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I’m going to take some time assessing myself. Maybe I was too, confrontational. I’ll get back to this soon.
if ONLY you teamed up, of only you operated like a Team instead of you vs. him, instead of you letting him know that he does not measure up to what you need him to be
I always did want to be a team with him but I guess my ways of doing it was incorrect. In the very beginning I had this weird feeling that this was the person I wanted to fall in love with and love. Now, I’m thinking was I just trauma bonding with him? I felt close to him because we came from similar childhoods?
I feel somewhat less crazy and alone knowing that someone went through something similar to mine.
I have made it very clear that I want a family around age 32 from the 2nd year on. He mentioned there is a lot he wants to do personally and financially before he settles down and even if he does he’s not sure if he wants kids involved rather just a life partner. He said he’s okay with being alone and that if someone wants to join him great, if not he doesn’t feel the need to have someone with him forever. He too has lived a life of pain, he never felt loved and cherished growing up (I came to this conclusion since I never saw him close with his family rather just work-related) and his parents were never there for him. His parents have their own business so whenever it was business related they would see him and nothing more. Maybe deep down he’s afraid of having a family of his own and not being able to provide for them properly. He didn’t grow up rich either. I mentioned to him that I’ve been working hard to not ever be a financial burden to anyone and be able to sustain myself and one child. Before, I left I told him he can think things through before he responded but he seemed sure of it. Before all this he never was against kids either but all of a sudden he has take a sudden change of heart. Maybe his age made him feel incompetent since he saw his friends at certain points of life that he’s not there yet. I wish he would’ve talked to me but in the four years we’ve been together he didn’t always talk about his feelings much even when I questioned him. He kind of brushed it off. If anything he seemed to open up a little bit when I was tipsy. I don’t remember much after certain amount of drinks. I always told him he can speak his mind and I’m the last person who would ever judge him for it. Maybe we were both too broken inside to sustain anything.
Just because you had the childhood experience that you had, which requires healing, it does not mean that any and every man you meet is right for you (and therefore, if you were healthy enough, you would have realized it).
Thank you for the insight Anita. Maybe you are right, I may need to see a psychologist before I think about having any relationship with anybody. Maybe I kept trying and trying with him in hopes that he ends up fitting the “perfect” mold I want him to be in. Or, I just didn’t see him trying and he gave up on me too because I’ve been fixated on him fitting my description of a relationship. He’s unsure about starting a family and having kids so that’s why I walked away. I just didn’t want to be hurt four years down the line when he makes up his mind. I didn’t want to chance getting my heart broken then. Maybe I’m running away from pain after experiencing it so many times. I never imagined my personal life being this way. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
Thank you, for your time. I really appreciate the feedback.
Hello, everyone hope you all had a wonderful new year!
So much has happened to me. Back in April during the time we were talking me and him had a huge fight. Where he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me and figured it’s best to separate. I removed myself from his life only to have him contact me few days later saying that he was just overwhelmed by the emotions I unleashed and he made a mistake. I didn’t blame him at that time considering it was a lot and the way I unloaded my emotions was not fair to him. Ok, so I go back and try to work it out. But, our communication problems did not improve too much and my feelings wasn’t reciprocated enough. I did more reciprocation than him where he just went on with his days. I let go of wanting 2 hours of undivided attention and let him choose how he wanted to communicate. Days went by and a week and he doesn’t show much attention to me. I just wanted a conversation here and there when we don’t see each other. Because of quarantine I would only see him once every week or two weeks so I got lonely I guess. We would say our routine good mornings and good nights and a few exchange of words but that’s about it. It felt like we were strangers/friends when we didn’t see each other. I even pointed that out to him in October and hoped he would do something about it. I soon came to resent him for it, realizing now when I saw him having spontaneous hang outs with his friends when he won’t even initiate a hang out with me. I’m the paranoid one for covid and he knows that but there’s other ways to spend time with someone while still socially distancing. I guess I just wanted him to put a little thought and effort in thinking of ways to spend time with me. Now, I know you’re probably thinking why haven’t you planned anything? I got tired of it, since I’m always planning for every holiday and date. I wanted him to think of something for a change. Maybe, I’m expecting too much from a guy? Fast forward last week of December I figured let me ask him directly what he thinks of our relationship and if he even had a plan to get married. That would be my cue to know if I want to continue the relationship any longer. I asked him if he plans to get married in 4 years or even have a family and he replied; I don’t want to be broke and have a family, I don’t know if I even want a family at this point, there’s a lot of things financially and personally I would like to do before settling down. After hearing that I realized he doesn’t seem to know what he truly wants and do I even wait any longer? I will be 32 in four years and he will be 34 and if I wait any longer than 32 I’m going to have pregnancy complications since at that point woman have a tough time conceiving and healing properly. I graduate with a degree this spring and I feel like I’m ready to prepare to settle down. Him, not so much it seems like so I decided to walk away…..I love him a lot and now I am heart broken and confused. His reply was not one I was expecting and it broke my trust in his feelings and conviction for me. I feel like a stranger more than ever. Can I feel this way or am I just being dramatic? Well, whatever the case we’re not together anymore and all I’m left with is just a broken heart.
This unmet need for positive, calm attention is the reason why your need for your boyfriend’s attention is intense: “I told him to just give me at least one day out of the week to hangout and spend time… to text me more throughout the day.. 2 hrs of undivided attention“.
You missed them/ needed them so much, but they didn’t miss you or need you back much; it is this lack of reciprocity that still hurts in the context of your boyfriend: “I felt like I was the only one feeling, doing.. trying to make time… I just miss him more than he does”.
Wow, I never looked at it that way. Maybe when I thought I was being strong I was just desperately calling for help. Now, that I think about it I did miss them a lot when I was alone and wanted to go on vacations or do family things like everyone else. I remember when I was able to have friends and I went over to my friend’s house and saw her family dynamic it gave me an utter shock. They were so close knitted, supportive, and loving no matter what. It made me feel sad and jealous almost. I couldn’t understand why I wanted so badly to be a part of them. Looking back it makes sense, I just longed for that family dynamic. Now, it makes sense why I was always over her place, it was to somehow feel that family atmosphere. I considered them my second family at that point and they sort of adopted me too in some way. They didn’t mind me and I felt so happy. I feel like they kind of saved me in a way. Maybe, they saw through me and stayed by me. I’m still in contact with them and they consider me part of their family.
I just cried writing this. A lot things are coming to light now. I guess I really needed to talk about it. Maybe this quarantine is making me think and look at myself.
For the longest time I felt like everything was okay with me and my parents. I just repressed and ignored them honestly now that I look at it. I somehow became very good at repressing certain feelings and emotions it seems like.
I guess in this relationship I’ve been trying to get everything I didn’t have growing up.
As, much as I love my parents I really need to remove myself from their lives for the time being until I can truly recuperate and acknowledge my repressed memories and emotions. My parents are immigrants so they require a lot of attention and involvement.
Makes me appreciate my boyfriend more now because he’s been able to stay sane with me despite my emotional roller coaster and unreasonableness.
Thank you Anita & Valora! I appreciate this more than you think. I didn’t think I would get so much. Talking is good.
I’m definitely high strung compared to him. I feel a lot better talking here. I actually visited this site when I had a problem and it helped a lot, I figured why not join this community so here I am. Maybe one day I’ll be able to help someone here too.
If you want to share with me more about the relationship between your parents, please do. Share not how you interpret that relationship now, but what you saw/ heard/ felt about their relationship back then, when you were a child.
I kind of repressed a lot of memories to be honest and it is a bit hazy. I don’t think my mother ever realized how her relationship was affecting me. I didn’t know it was affecting me or how I really felt about. I knew I was sad and wanted to help but didn’t know how. I remember trying to tell her to stay strong and maybe fight back if she could. I knew one thing for sure that how she was being treated was wrong. I remember her always telling me it’s just problems between adults and to ignore what’s happening. I did as I was told and stayed in my own world. I did not have any playmates growing up. I did not get to have friends til I was in high school. My parents had this paranoia that I was going to get kidnapped every two seconds since we lived in a bad neighborhood. I studied hard and did not question much since I didn’t want to give them another reason to argue.
I remember my dad always being controlling over her whereabouts, who she spoke to, and who her friends her. He was always suspicious that she was seeing other men. Both my parents had to work at the time and my father would not like the fact that she was working. If she was late just 10-15 minutes coming home from work he would be very angry and call her to see where she was.
When I was 15 my mother got into a terrible accident and she could not work (even til this day she can’t work because her knee is severely injured) and he did not look after her. The responsibility at the time fell on me. I took care most of the legal matters and doctor’s visits. We do not have family nearby nor friends that could help out.
Now, that I think about it we only went to one family vacation and never again. We weren’t very fortunate and lived in a cramped one bedroom apartment til I graduated. I moved away shortly after and now I live with them (reliving the moments of childhood) because I can’t afford to live on my own for the time being (1 more year til I have my own place).
Oh, by the way I’m of South Asian decent and they are pretty traditional and hence why I can’t live with my boyfriend. My mother knows about my long term boyfriend but my father doesn’t. He’s extremely traditional. I could live in secret but I want to respect my parent’s values/traditions.
Also, I live in the East Coast 🙂 hello~
“If you can sort of get to the point where you’re more understanding of who your boyfriend is and how he responds to things and manages feelings and shows love, and if that understanding can make you feel better overall, then it doesn’t even matter what’s “normal” with other relationships, because understanding can make happiness normal in your own relationship, even if it appears different from others.”
You’re absolutely right. I think I was trying to normalize my relationship according to everyone around me. I didn’t realize that my normal is mine alone and it doesn’t have to be the same as everyone else’s. I felt like something was odd when we weren’t like everyone else. But, I guess we all have different circumstances. We are pretty compatible since I’m like fire and and he’s like water so we both somehow balance each other out. I’ll have to really be on the lookout for signs on how he shows love and what his true personality is like. Maybe, I missed a part of him. I’ll try to be more patient and see how he reacts/does to what I want. It’s just I got impatient because we had certain conversations for a whole year and nothing really changed. We are going on our 4th year…
I just spoke to him and he felt my vibe of disconnect but he still remained as he was before and didn’t get angry at me. He seems to understand emotions more than I thought he did. Maybe, he’s like at a level where he doesn’t necessarily act on it like I do. He’s pretty calm and logical when it comes to me it seems like. Goodness, I feel like a hot mess compared to him. I feel embarrassed now.
Maybe I did forget we are two different genders and that women are more emotionally receptive than men.
I think I’ll read that book soon. Not like time is running away any time soon.
I honestly though it was normal for couples to interact for more than an hour a day. I based that on my friends and their partners.
I honestly can’t wait to see a therapist and get these emotions in check. I want to have a stable relationship.
I sure do relate to this, spot on! My parents (more my mom, not so much my dad) was loving towards me but not towards each other. Seeing that growing up I guess confused me and made me second guess everyone and their feelings for me. It’s so funny my dad and my current partner have very similar personalities. Maybe, I subconsciously looked for that to try and fix it, the “un-required love?” Every time I remind myself that these people aren’t your parents and they are completely different people I somehow revert back to my old self. It’s like a constant struggle to be positive and look at life more objectively. I hope one day I can truly leave this emotional self torment behind and be happy.
After writing all that and reading it myself I realized those are problems only I can fix and I’m aware of that. I just want to feel I guess warm inside and feel safe somehow around him. Maybe I’m looking for some magical phrase or sentence to make the pain go away. I did look into therapy and I decided to take on that journey this year but I guess life had other plans this year.
I guess 2 hours is unrealistic I suppose. We don’t live together so I just really miss him more than he does. I told him that and he told me it would be better if we lived together. For various reasons at the moment I can’t. Maybe, I was just not seeing reality.
In the beginning of the relationship my feelings were not as strong as they are now so no, I didn’t demand much from him. I told him that as well. He, just didn’t know how to respond to that either.
It’s true. I guess I went through this relationship through one perspective and one way of loving someone.
(sigh) guess I need to see a therapist and figure myself out more. Maybe I didn’t heal as much as I thought I did over the years.
I just felt utterly lost as to what to do and how to react once I had this realization. I needed an outside perspective that wasn’t in my friends circle.
I appreciate the response thank you!