So I understand that only I can save myself, but I my major hope with that whole situation was that I just want someone to have my back or to watch it while I fix everything. As of graduating high school, I literally dropped everyone due to how toxic and life sucking they were. But this inevitably left me in a situation where I am quite literally alone and have no support system besides family, which isn’t the best option.

My family have not been the greatest in terms of support or my childhood, both of my parents were extremely abusive and my step mother was borderline abusive. When my step mother passed, I ignored my mother when she messaged me because I was super busy with my dad and sisters and I explained that to her like i’m busy I can’t bust out an hour everyday to talk to you. But she went off and took it the wrong way and manipulated the whole situation and basically told me to fuck off and if this is what I wanted then she won’t talk to me period. I’m not really sure what happened between my dad and my one sister, but they both haven’t even tried reaching out to me since the funeral. My oldest sister sometimes messages me, but she hasn’t filled dropped me. I am not sure if my one sister also saw the LGBT pins i have on my school backpack, and told my dad and this prompted them to drop me because they are anti lgbt. So all in all, I am don’t have my moms side at all, and I haven’t since things went sour between us back when I was 12. But my dad and step moms side just completely dropped me. I still have my one Aunt and cousin on my dads side I think, but I’m not sure.
Another thing about the funeral is that my step mom wrote a whole stack of letters before she went into a surgery and wasn’t sure if the narcotics would cause an allergic reaction and kill her. But long story short I did not get a letter from her when the church handed them out, which really hurt a lot.

I know I have a lot of baggage and I just literally am at a loss due to the combination of my past and now my present. My life has already been a wreckage and the one thing keeping me going for literal years was the expectation that I will go to college and finally be away from home, but now that I’ve been here, it has been nothing but pure chaos and misery. And I just keep having to be like “oh once i get to this point, it’ll be okay” and then once I do actually get there, it’s never okay. Which is causing the hopelessness even more because Im stuck in this vicious cycle of hope that is proven futile each and every time.