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Hello Al! Hope your doing well…I was just browsing through and stumbled on this topic. I am a 32 year old guy who has experienced (and still do) very similar things to what you are going through. I have been reading through each of these paragraphs and wanted to share some of my thoughts if you are open to them. I feel like some of the insights I have might be of some help…hopefully.
First off, like Bob Marley says “every little thing is gonna be alright.” 🙂 I know sometimes things can get pretty dark inside and feel like the emptiness never ends. From what I am seeing when I read it seems to me like your mind may be resisting the moment, resisting what IS, living in past/future and the present moment is all that exists. The mind is a very powerful tool and you are the master but at this point in our human evolution the mind has become the master and has made us the slave. (This is starting to change)
Like everything in the universe the mind needs energy to survive (AKA THOUGHTS/EMOTIONS) One thought, then another and another. Our minds think in terms of future/past and the more you try to understand your past by identifying with experiences you have already lived the more you are in prison to yourself.
In the world the mind resides everything is extremely complex. Life in the present moment can be very simple….Try this- start practicing by sitting with whatever is going on inside of you… just sit with it… be with it…without judgement as if you are viewing the screen of a movie theatre from the back row. Your mind is the screen and you are the one watching. I know this can be hard and extremely painful but your true answers of what you seek lie within the silence. If you have not read the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle I highly recommend it. It helped me make sense of some things when I was going through some very dark, and painful times.
I am sending you some peaceful vibes as I type and know your soul will find what it needs in order to evolve. I hope this is somewhat helpful. Have a good day…ttys…