You are caught in an ongoing cycle of pain-based loving. You have been mentally abused in the relationship described and you have not completely broken the spell this type of “love” holds over you. I would suggest you have some fixed beliefs about yourself that have to do with not feeling worthy of truly being loved. Examine your childhood experience because this is where we learn our model for loving. Commit to psychotherapy and open your mind to learning why loving turns into such a painful experience. Use your anger (it has not been used effectively) to commit to yourself you will not step back into such a cruel relationship as the one you described. I am not talking about exploding behavior–I am talking about self-reflection, getting in touch with why you allow yourself to be abused, and committing to changing this pattern from this day forward. Life is short and you are young enough to truly change this pain-based love model you described. It starts with learning to love yourself because when you do, you will no longer allow anyone to abuse you. Good luck!