How do I come out of this never ending circle of Mental Torture?

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    I am 26 years of Age.i was in relationship with a girl for near about 3 years. It was 2nd relationship for both of us. She had a terrible time with the guy in her previous relationship that gave her lot of pain, physical and verbal abuse. She left that guy and we both (me and her) started. It started very well for almost 1 and half year, and then we used to have fights over silly things. But I took it as a part of a relation, which is quite normal. But things got worse.She even abused me, said things about me, my family, even my parents.i used to get hurt, but I never insulted her in the same way. She started taking things for granted, but I had a great limit of patience in me. she used to say things and then apologies, and I used to forgive her.i loved her a lot,even she loved me, and I did not want to loose her just because of her silly mistakes. I just wanted her to realize what she was doing. But she never realized. She kept on doing the same kind of things again and again ultimately being a human even I had my limits. We used to have long fights, we did not talk for weeks, but even then I never abused her verbally or physically did not want to hurt her by treating her in the same way, because I knew that unlike me she would not be able to accept that, as I did. So I had a hope that things will be fine and she just needs some time, or she needs some time to grow up.

    Initially I failed to find a good job for myself, but I was doing some job in a Multinational company and she got a good job, moved to a different city. We had a long fight before she moved. when she was about to move, we met on her birthday, had a great time, spent the whole day together.but when she got to know that she going to get a job in different city,I could feel the change in her attitude. She started avoiding me, and even if we used to have fights, she never tried to make things better .I felt like she was just counting her remaining days in the city with me. Once she even said that if she gets a chance to move on with some body in the new city, then probably she will do that. I thought she was kidding or said just to make me jealous. When we were together for 3 years, we never had any issues because of any third person. She was loyal to me, and so was I.

    When she moved to different city, she started avoiding me. She met some people there, became friend with them, and started avoiding me and and the relationship was almost over. Mean while, even I got a very good job, and professionally we are on the same page now. she met some guy in her office, and moved on with him.she did not tell me, I was living under the impression that, she is far from me now, away from home,surrounded by new people, so now she will realize and understand the importance of true love and our relation will be much stronger and intense than ever before. she finally told me after almost 7 months, that she was dating some one there, and eventually even that guy left her for some reasons.I was broke, I was hurt. No words can explain that. I was depressed, my health got affected, and my work got affected.

    Now she is back home, we both live in the same town, I deleted all our pictures, changed my no. and distant my self from her, because I was hurt, frustrated and felt like, I was robbed. That feeling of being dumped,being left alone, being avoided, killed the human in me.Out of frustration, I even thought to call her, insult her, abuse her, but never did that. She called me when she needed me, I was there for her once again. When she got her things done, she started avoiding me once again and I felt like I have been used and thrown away.I decided not to see her ever again under any circumstances. Then all of sudden she called me, cried, apologised and said.”I have realized what I have lost. I owe you a lot, please forgive me, lets give this relation another chance.” I asked her to give me some time to think, which she did. I thought people loose their ways, and make mistakes , so I should give her another chance. I loved her a lot ,so any how I convinced my self to give her another chance. when I approached her, she again changed her mind. she said, I still love that guy(the guy she was dating when she moved to another city).I was hurt once again, felt really bad. I felt like, I have become a kind of toy, and she just plays with it, when she has no one around.I have heard people saying that its really difficult for girls to move on. but I don’t know what made it so easy for her, to move on with some guy with in weeks, after being with me for almost 3 years.she dumped me for no mistakes of mine’s .I loved her like a child, loved her when she gave me every reason not to love her. And the present status is,I am going no where. She is busy in her life; don’t know if she is going around with somebody. I feel like I am stuck.she calls me when she feels like,but if i call her,she avoids me..I know this sounds really pathetic.

    I don’t know what should I do. there are people around me, and I can discuss things with them, but I really don’t want to, because I don’t want any one to say or perceive any thing negative or wrong about her or character, because somewhere I feel that we might be together once again, so I don’t want any one to treat her differently or say any inappropriate things about her. You know what I mean.I don’t want to hurt her,physically or verbally.I don’t feel like to be in a relationship with some body else, because I know I am not ready for it and i don/t want use some one to fill that empty space in my life,I know it wont be a good idea.

    Please suggest me, give me some advise, how do I deal with it????
    Thank you for Time.

    kay ludwig

    You are caught in an ongoing cycle of pain-based loving. You have been mentally abused in the relationship described and you have not completely broken the spell this type of “love” holds over you. I would suggest you have some fixed beliefs about yourself that have to do with not feeling worthy of truly being loved. Examine your childhood experience because this is where we learn our model for loving. Commit to psychotherapy and open your mind to learning why loving turns into such a painful experience. Use your anger (it has not been used effectively) to commit to yourself you will not step back into such a cruel relationship as the one you described. I am not talking about exploding behavior–I am talking about self-reflection, getting in touch with why you allow yourself to be abused, and committing to changing this pattern from this day forward. Life is short and you are young enough to truly change this pain-based love model you described. It starts with learning to love yourself because when you do, you will no longer allow anyone to abuse you. Good luck!

    Mick Norris

    I totally agree with Kay on this one. Your pattern (cycle) of behaviour is unhealthy and undoubtedly stems from some feelings of not feeling you’re good enough or worthy of being loved. This usually means you have low self esteem and find it difficult to be self-compassionate and love yourself. The only reason I feel this after reading your circumstance is because I have just done exactly the same thing. Broke up after 5 years but kept in touch , partly cos I couldn’t let go, and then i was pushed and pulled and used as and when it suited her needs. But I didn’t complain because I still loved her and wanted to get back together again. Eventually she wanted to move on just like your situation and I was deeply hurt. The long and short of it tho is that this pattern of behaviour (according to my psychotherapist) has gone on all of my life. I was never properly loved by either of my parents as a child, my dad was violent and abusive and psychologically a bully. I grew up feeling worthless. My mother didn’t show me love or affection cos my dad would beat her if she did (he was jealous). Therefore I grew up craving that feeling and this only became apparent as I formed relationships. I ended up in relationships where the other one was stronger or more dominant, but when the relationship broke down i couldn’t cope and crumpled. But now, I’m learning to have some self-appreciation, self-forgiveness and self-acceptance. Once I get to the point where I know I’m happy with my own self then I know I’ll meet someone who deserves me…and this will happen to you but you need the time on your own to reflect, and look at yourself and hopefully begin to realise your true worth and that you only deserve to be loved properly, not toyed with.Don’t be angry with your ex girlfriend, be grateful that what has happened has brought you to this point in your life. Good luck. By the way there are lots of articles on this site that might help you too.


    Thank you for your time.if i talk about my childhood,it was great.being the only child,I parents gave me everything I ever asked for.and i grew up in a family where i got love and care…my ex girlfriend could knew the difference between me and other guys,and its like she knew where to strike.but i know I made certain mistakes after breaking up. I started avoiding my friends,isolated my self.but now I have accepted that all over with her.I am yet not ready for another relation,but I am trying to best distract my self and not to think of her(to be honest,i am finding it very hard),but i am doing every thing I can.


    Hi Mick,thank you for your time.

    Ya that is true,I used to have low self esteem.sometimes I feel that the problem with me was I could not be rude to some one.I mean,i was like,if there is some one,who means something to me…if he or she disrespects me even for no reasons,I used to take everything on me,never replied them back,not because I could not,but because I did not want to loose them over silly things or did not want to create any differences with them over such things.I used to think,let them realize their mistake,I used to forgive them every time.My ex girlfriend knew this.she did every thing that she should not have done at first place,and I forgave her every time,just because I did not want to loose her.and if I talk about my family,I am the only child of my parents,I grew up under good conditions,and I am thankful to God for this… I am not angry with my Ex-girlfriend,but i am hurt after see her double faced character.she did every thing,that I had never expected from her.and ultimately I am the one who had to go through all that pain,and that too for no such mistakes of mine’s.and honestly speaking,I don’t think that I am not good enough.there are people i know,who say that I am good guy,can be a good husband,my family believes that i am a good son,and at work my bosses are happy.even a very good friend of mine approached me for a relation,but i told her that I am not ready yet for a relation…its just I am very hurt,and have not been able to accept what all I got in return.


    Hi, I have actually been in a very similar situation myself. In my relationship for more than 4 years, first 2 years I have behaved similar to your girlfreind and now in the next 2 years my ex-boyfreind is behaving similar to her so i can give you opinion from both persecptives.

    1. you are afraid of confrontation and hurting her feelings (which is awesome) but because of that you havent been able to tell her and show her how much shes hurting you and how you feel. TELL HER. sometimes people dont realize these things. when they do, they change. by not telling her, you’re robbing her of the opportunity of rectifyin her mistakes. you’re just growing resentment inside of you and she probably isnt even aware shes hurting you so much! if you can’t say it write an email. BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL HER. its your only hope to salvage whats left of this.

    2. im currently dealing with an alcoholic, abusive and infidel relationship, which you have also commented on post about. what helped me was taking 5 mins to imagine what my life would be like if we did get married and spend the rest of our lives together. JUST IMAGINE. if you do, you cant escape each other for weeks. will she break all contact with the other guy? will she keep thinking about him or how her life could be with him? will she be there for you? how will she behave with your parents? will she continue to abuse you? will she leave you and go if another job comes up somewhere else? after imagining what life would be like with her, think – IS THIS THE KIND OF LIFE YOU WANT AND DESERVE?


    see its not like I never told her about what all she was doing.its just she started taking things for granted,made this habit of repeating her mistakes again and again,then apologies. but i used to forgive her every time,why ,just because I did not want to loose her.and i thought she will grow up with time.but that never happened.besides, she broke my trust when she got a chance.and when i got to know,that i was left with no reasons to love her.leaving her was never easy for me,even today there is hardly a moment,when I don’t think of her.but I am full of anger,frustration and at times,i feel letting it out on her,but I don’t want to that.i don’t wan’t to kill the human in me or in her,so best thing I have found is to distant my self from her,leaving her busy in her life and keeping my self busy in mine


    and to be honest,it sound kinda funny..I mean,we both are going through tough time,post break up consequences,everything is so messed up,but we are consoling each other,advising each other..sharing experiences 🙂

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