i remember it well, it Xmas and i was 5.
Mum and Dad were at boiling point 99% of the time. he was a drunk who had no respect for my mum, when he was not playing away. which was not often.
Mum was trying to hold the family together!

My Aunti bought me a small cassett player and a tape of 1980 classic hits.

I still know all the words to every song on that tape. It was an escape. i am flighting back the tears now remembering putting my ear so close i couldn’t hear the flighting……

go forward 10 years and my whole life was changed by the illigal rave scene. it was the “brotherhood” i was looking for and the drugs were pretty good at helping me escape too. or so i thought.

go forward 10 years and i am in my mid 20’s. i needed to remove myself from the dance music scene as i was taking to many of those good drugs for them to be good anymore. i set up my own studio. i spent the next 5 years in my loft making music. mainly stuff to get things out of my head. it was wonderfull.

go foward 10 years. i now have a great partner and a lovely little boy. our whole life is centred around music. not in a profesional way but socially. we have music playing most of the time in our house and i still have a small studio to disapear to when i need some “me” time. oh and i would argue our 2 year old is the best dancer in the world !!!!! 🙂

music is very very powerful….

my favorite song if i had to choose 1. fools gold (the stone roses)

the pack on my back is aching
the straps seem to cut me like a knife…..
the gold road sure is a long road
windes on through the hills for 15days……
i’m no clown i won;t back down, i don’t need you to tell me whats going down.
down down down down down
fooooooools gold !

i remember it everytime i am working too hard and need some family time. music still moves me as much as it did when i was 5. i just don’t need to put my head to the speakers anymore… (sic)

This sounds like me last year, I was that bad i quit my job and sat at home doing nothing…. it did me no good but I had no energy at all…. you get to that point where you can’t even remember the last you had a smile on your face let alone when you last laughed… its no fun at all so I feel for your current position ! but… and this is very important…. realise it is just that, a current position. it will change and you have the power to change it !!!!

I was given pills by my doctor and i tried them for 2 weeks. i became a lot worse. to the point where i was snapping at people i loved and becomming somebody i hated. its very unpleasant and at the time i thought it would never end.

How i got myself out of it was to focus on Nature and helping others.

I went for a walk everyday. no matter if it was the worst weather known to man, i still went for a walk. some days i walked 2 miles. once i did 18. (with my 9 month old son on my back which was a little silly but thats what i needed that day.) I have kept this up even now i am back at work. sometimes i walk in the park at 10pm. nobody is there appart from me and the ducks. The tv / internet / radio / etc… they do not work for me. i need to feel alive, funny thing is, those days I don’t want to go out as the weather is so bad, they are the days i now feel most alive. It keeps me intune with nature whilst getting gentle exersize. i will do this for the rest of my life !!!

i also had a friend who was suffering bad with family life. his mum and dad died within a year of each other and it hit him bad. quite a few days i walked to his house. (7miles) did nothing more than had acup of tea with him and a chat, then walked home. it gave him something to look forward to as he was home alone and it ticked both my boxes… win win !!!

both helping others and exersize outside probably seem like non important side issues to you right now. maybe they are. but maybe there are 1 or 2 little things that you can tweek in your life to help you get back on track. its probably nothing too great and it will probably feel at first like its making no difference……… just try it though, you never know untill you do.

oh… and i just quit another job as i am starting to feel the same…. where are those walking boots again ????

just a thought….

communication, communication, communication….. However it’s what you communicate that is important.

are you communicating that you are here just to serve him ? (maybe ?)

Most men like confident, self respecting partners….. Are you just serving him… in fact others in general ?? (ie miss fixit ?) instead of doing things for you?

Just a thought…. next time something is expected of you. nothing important obviously. Just don’t do it. comminicate it first, make sure you both know that you can’t do “X” bacuse you are taking that time back for yourself. go to a spar, have a weekend away with the girls, go and take a trip to your friends and go for longer than usual..go for a 20mile walk………. whatever it is, do something for you at a point where you normally do something for him. Do this with love for yourself rather than to spite him. (hence the communication prior to it happening)

Over a period of time there are 2 probable outcomes from this path…….

1st/ he will love the new self respecting you and will drop everything to be with you (remember to him it now looks like you “don’t need him”)

2nd/ he will fight it, start to try and control you and stop you doing things for you… at that point you know what your next move has to be. However at least you will be prepaired for it as you will have spent your time building up your self repect…..

as i say, just a thought….
TJ