We were poor. I had run out of options of going to school in the state i was in – it was a desperate move.  I see your point though.

Dear Anita

Thank you for your considered response.  I can relate to most of Wiki says. It’s a crazy rollercoaster.

Please erase my name for protection. I feel paranoid someone may figure out who I am.

These are the quotes that stand out to me:

It is the unobtainable nature of the goal that makes the feeling so powerful.

That’s worrying. It feels so powerful. It can be overwhelming.  It makes me feel alive.

Those suffering from loneliness are significantly more susceptible to limerence… By dwelling on the memory of that social contact, the lonely person comes to magnify it into a deep emotional experience, which may be quite different from the reality of the event.

I was very lonely at the time. This was impacted by the fact my boss and colleagues weren’t around most the time. Also, obviously going through what was happening at home.  If it wasn’t for the signals this man keeps giving me (with his eyes), I tend to flit between “is this all in my head” to “I bet he has no idea how I feel”.  I’m not sure if he even knows my name.  You see – reality vs fantasy.

You say that “this condition is born in a childhood where the child is separated from his or her primary caretaker, usually the mother”.

I was placed into boarding school at age 6 and remained there almost my entire schooling. I still remember the trauma of my first day there when my mother prepared to leave me as if it was yesterday. I recall being very distressed and crying and my mother eventually just left me with one of the teachers.  One thing me and my sisters I suffer from is separation anxiety.

My mother never had a mother. She was shunted from one relative to the other when her mother died at age 5.  She always said it was her responsibility to raise us and ensure that we could fend for ourselves. She did that quite well. There wasn’t much affection though.  I don’t doubt that she loves us but she has her own demons. She has the mentality that, what she doesn’t know can’t harm her.

When I got to my teens, I started rebelling at school and was expelled numerous times. I was the rebel, allegedly without a cause.  To a certain degree, I am still the rebel without a cause. Although, I have tried to improve my life and studied late in life and became a professional.  When I was 15, I had a 21 year old boyfriend. My brothers found out and went and warned him off. The guy never wanted to see him again.  My mother called my father and told him that I was out of control. She never used to ring him for anything but for some reason she did that time.  He got on the first plane to our house and came to speak to me. Although his intention was never to speak. He started by beating the hell out of me. Full face punches etc.  The most traumatic memory of that experience was that my 2 brothers, who I trusted and got on with very well, shut the door and let him do that to me.  The only person who came to help me was one of my sisters, that I am not even close with. They pushed her out the room and let him continue to beat me.  The next day, he drove me to school 3 hours away. I was battered and bruised and he didn’t seem to care.  I recall crying at nothing for weeks after that. Then I got expelled from school again.  I was then forced to go live with him for 6 months so I could go to a school in another state.  That lasted 6 months. I never forgave my brothers for what happened that day. My relationship with them to this day is civil.  The next day, my mother felt terrible and tried to apologise to me saying she didn’t expect that to happen. I remember saying to her “what did you expect”.  Seeing her feeling remorse made me forgive her.

My childhood is full of trauma.  I thought it was normal. My sister was abused by an uncle. She fell pregnant. Had the baby in boarding school.

None of my parents ever comforted me. I still haven’t really experienced that in any of the significant relationships I have had. In fact, I am always the driving force. Once I feel I am not getting what I put in, I start withdrawing. I have not been with someone more intelligent than me before. Not that any of my ex’s were not intelligent. It’s just something I’ve been thinking of lately.  Nobody ever really guides me. I am a product of my boarding school upbringing. Made to be super independent and now men can’t generally handle that. I think I see in the Italian someone with the strength to handle me. I see some of myself in him. He’s strong and bossy. Takes control. We are both vulnerable for different reasons. He told me one day that he was feeling overwhelmed and in that second, it made me think, this is something that is attracting us to each other. It was also in that instant, I felt like I fell in love with him. I don’t know what’s going on in his life or why this is happening but I don’t think he’s taking steps to leave his wife and children and I wouldn’t want him to do that for me. I would want him to do that for him. Once he is free, nothing would stop me.  See, I am about to flit into fantasy land.

You mentioned “violence, threatening behavior etc” in your interactions with your father. When a child experiences aggression and violence, that increases the child’s need to be comforted by a parent.

I always refer to my birth father as “a gun toting psychopath”, which he is. High on the narcissism scale.  Violent bully whose mother enabled him by treating him as if he was God. Entitled and selfish and who never gave a damn about the 5 children he created.  The Italian always refers to his children with love. I wonder if it’s a signal as to why he stays with his wife.  He never speaks about his wife. Not that we have spoken that much.  I always think that his children are so lucky to have him. He’s so strong and dynamic and clearly loves them a lot. You see him softening up when he talks about his children.  I would hate to be instrumental in splitting up a family but I also have this crazy desire that I am trying to deal with.  I never had any comfort from anyone growing up really. My older sister was like my mother in boarding school and is the most important person in my life today. Although, she lives in our home country, we communicate daily. She does not know about my limerence with this man. She would not understand. She has been with her husband for so many years and the relationship is positively toxic. She stays for the sake of the kids but there is no love or respect, just a comfortable lifestyle.  I always vowed I would never live my life that way.

Fast forward, the child is now a woman, 45, having suffered a year of loss, including the loss of a long term relationship- you are anxious and lonely, like you were as a child, and this “unfulfilled, intense longing” for a parent is revived, a longing for a strong, capable, loving parent.

I get what you are saying but, if I never had comfort from either parent (or anyone really), then how can I long for something never had?

Next, a physically attractive, sexy, strong and capable looking Italian man enters your workplace. Your sexual attraction to him pulls with it that deep childhood desire, that intense unfulfilled longing, and the attachment to this man is formed.

There is definitely an unfulfilled longing. I have thought that many times.  For me, it was the fact I wasn’t getting what I wanted from my husband and I saw no way out at the time. I did not want to live my life in a toxic relationship.  I wonder what it is in me that the Italian is attracted to. I think, the mutual vulnerability whilst appearing strong and in control. I also think the fact I am independent.  I also wonder though if in his head, this could be just another potential fling for him. He seems to have that effect on woman.  Women go weak at the knees for him. I suspect he is a player. I may be wrong. It’s all speculation and part of my obsessive thoughts.  I hope I am wrong. I will never know. I wish I didn’t care. All this energy wasted on someone who may or may not even know my name.

What makes him such an intense object of attachment to you is your increased of anxiety and loneliness in the last year, and therefore your need for that parent figure to comfort you and take away your fear and loneliness.

You adore him like a child adores his parent; you see him like a young child sees her parent: “attractive characteristics are exaggerated and unattractive characteristics are given little or no attention”. A child sees her parent/s this way because it makes her feel safe, feeling that she is in good hands, being dependent on the care of strong, capable god-like.

I adore him. He can do no wrong. Yet I am fully aware that a married man should not be giving another woman signals. I struggle to internalise or see any of his bad points and even if I do, I overlook them.  Fantasy land.  I want him to protect me too. He has before. Always subtle ways.  Did I mention that if he sees me with another man, he seems to get territorial and what I think is jealousy. He cannot take his eyes off the person.  If someone is in my office, he struts about curious as to what is going on. He will then smile at me and make intense eye contact. I feel as if I cannot imagine myself with anyone else. My heart is with him.

I think I am self aware, although it has been suggested whilst doing research, that 2 people who are limerent for each other have no awareness.

I keep hoping that I will wake up one day soon and the feeling will be gone. This situation is doing nothing for my emotional progress.  I am aware that I latch on to this fantasy world to escape the reality. It feels good most of the time.  I want it to stop/I don’t want it to stop. How do I snap out of this?

Thank you