Thanks Anita,

Again, I do know this subconsciously.  I just didnt want to admit it.  I truly havent had enough time not being in touch with her to even get through the grieving process.  I allowed her into my life over and over again and it kept stalling me in it.  I probably started it a dozen times in these 6 months.  She doesnt seem to understand this.  Once I get some distance, which will start today, I will surely see things differently.

Hi Anita,

YES! That makes perfect sense.  They would sprout and wilt all the time.  We were in therapy together and did well while we were.  She was also in her own and did well until we couldnt afford it anymore.  I truly am ok with letting her go, deep down I know that what you are saying is true.  I do have the kind of love for her that I just want the best for her even if it isnt me.  I would like to say its true love.  Part of me knows what is meant to be will find a way, and if its us we will find each other again.  But part of me has such a hard time LETTING GO.  This was a woman whom made all the ones before her, when what I thought was love, look like nothing.  We were in love an order of magnitude more than we ever had felt before, along with pain an order of magnitude more painful.  Still to this day I cant explain it, the instant attraction.  The magnetic pull, the amazing love life we had.  I mean earth shattering for both of us.  Shes 9 years older than me, but looks my age.

Thanks Anita,

I am very angry with her right now.  Part of the issue is that she keeps saying she wants me back, and I have maintained I need some space.  Before that all of her messages for the first 2 months were full of anger and hate, saying all the time how she wants to get even with me for what I did, when I wasnt the one who left, nor was I the one who dumped her, after that and since then its been shades of “please take me back, this is the biggest mistake I ever made, i cant lose you, youre the love of my life, etc”.  However she refuses to give me the space I need, despite telling me over and over she would do anything to take away the pain shes caused me.  She wants me to take her back right away.  Just today she agreed to stop contacting me, going on 6 months.  I had requested in the very start of our split that we take a month of no contact so we can sort this out, and she refused.  She said speaking to me helped her get over things(which just turned out to be a nightmare) so I relented and stayed in touch with her.   I stupidly left all the doors open because I love her so very much.  And its caused me nothing but problems.  The one time I blocked her phone number, I didnt tell her, and she had been trying to reach me for a week about some mail that I didnt have.  When she couldnt reach me, I got a very threatening, 1 line email from her, that really set me off.  I responded in anger and said that I had blocked her number and apologize for not telling her, that she clearly wont stop until shes crushed whats left of our relationship into dust and to not speak to me again.  She responded with telling me that she cheated on me with someone that i know of for a year while we were engaged and lived together.  This ultimately is not true, I cant see it to be.  And shes said as much, however I cant tell you the pain that caused me, and I literally cant unfeel that or unfeel how it made me scrutinize years of our past looking to see when it could have possibly happened.  And dropping this bomb couldnt have come at a worse time, as I was on a road trip with my current partner hours away.  It really (I let it) take a lot of wind out of our sails that weekend.  And it really made my new partner feel like 2nd place the way i reacted to what she said.  I do need to tell you that shes a self destructive person, and generally when she feels threatened employs the “scorched earth” policy of trying to pre emptively strike.  Ultimately it doubles her hurt, she is just now realizing it.  I know shes a troubled woman, I want to believe she didnt do what she said, and has maintained after the fact that she didnt.  But she also lied about and made up a whole bunch of stories in that same time just to cause me pain, and has admitted as much since.  Now that shes in therapy, she really appears different.  However I have only texted and spoken on the phone, I havent seen her.  She wants to see me, but I havent wanted to.  I am too angry.  It comes out on the phone, so much so that I really wish she would just leave me be.  I hope she does.

I also really do think that is part of my issue not feeling all the cylinders as well.  Part of me is still deeply connected to her.  Im sure its from regular contact, among other things.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Mike.

I should add that her dumping me was completely irrational based on what it was in response to.  She had promised me several times, and broken several times, the “no exits” rule we had when we would have an argument.  It was how she dealt with issues in her past before me.  She totally betrayed my trust by doing so as many times as she had.  Since we split shes done a litany of things to deliberately hurt me and further erode it.  Then she started going to therapy, and around that same time she came to the realization that she totally screwed up.  But now I dont trust her anymore.  She wants to show me that she can be trusted but I am having a hard time believing anything that comes out of her mouth anymore.