In that regard then it feels like the piling troubles and shitstorm of grief that I’m in doesn’t feel like it’ll end any time soon. Essentially you’re talking about letting a bad day pass and then weighing the good days even heavier because the bad day is over. Like how people say you have to experience pain to get true joy. But the thing I can’t get anyone to understand is what do you do when you feel like you’ve just been on a slope, and there’s not many highs to even speak of? I mean I was so optimistic when I’d graduated in June, but like two weeks after that doctors said my mom was getting worse. Then I thought she’d get better going to the specialty clinic in August so all summer was alright. Quit my job, had a vacation, that was cool, then we find out nothing can help her. Then from September to October I was applying, still hopeful, but then came an avalanche of job rejections so then I was broke. Then I got my job back in late October which was cool, I get some money even though I don’t want to work there, and she died not even a week after I went back. I keep reading these things about being grateful for small things, but I feel like the only thing I have to be grateful for is being alive and even that sucks. It just feels like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, there’s no way out of this shitstorm, and how much things go up there’ll be more disappointments immediately around the corner. It just isn’t balanced. I know no ones life is great but for most for every bad event there’s an equal number of good. I feel like for me it’s highly disproportionate

And doesn’t that make me a shitty person if I don’t talk with my friends? Like I’m blaming them because my life sucks ass? I like them a lot but it’s just a constant reminder of exactly how much shit is going on. Plus in a way I’m tired of always being the sad friend. Like catching up is always “I’m dating a new guy and got a promotion what about you?” My response is mostly “same as always and I’m not dead.”   I really am trying it just always seems like it’s for nothing, and trying to explain that to people who just float through life and stumble upon good news is damn near impossible 

I know it takes work and I know no one is truly ecstatic about the mundane, but most people would rather boring and mundane as opposed to sad or negative things. And they’ll talk about the things they go through too, like whenever they have disagreements or their job is pissing them off or something, but having more good days or boring days is better than nothing, and there’s disagreements but they’re workoutable and that’s better than having someone beat you or threaten to leave you. Having someone you can talk to about anything and even if they don’t agree you can go back and forth about opinions until they get to a point where everything makes sense. Nothing is ever 100% amazing and that’s not what I’m looking for. Just that even on the worst of days there’s a balance of the good

I think too that everything I’ve been feeling has been negative for so long I’m starting to annoy myself. So I’m okay to let them get annoyed at me for what I’m saying and thinking. I don’t want to be this negative and I don’t want to feel this down. I hate that I’ve taken everything that’s happening and I’m probably just blowing it out of proportion but I just want my own good luck. I want to feel like I’m moving forward and the work I put in is paying off, or something. And even if I turn out to be one of those people who don’t end up with that much luck, I just don’t want any more bad luck. I’d rather nothing at all than disappointments and heart breaking 

That’s what I was hoping for, and I did know that trying to be open and candid was going to be really difficult. But I feel like if I do that from jump street it would make that obvious early on whether or not they would listen and try to understand and make it easier to keep doing it. And it’s always been pretty wary for me to do so hopefully it would be moderately smooth from there. It’s just getting there, and trying to feel like it’s even possible to meet that person 

Yeah there’s that. But not that dad sort of knows what I’m talking about now in terms of not feeling like you can change anything and all you can do is talk about it. But I’m talking more broad picture instead of being unheard. I know people telling me to be hopeful actually isn’t a good thing and not helpful, but it’s not helpful because I don’t know how to be hopeful about anything. I want to think tang after getting so low it can’t possibly get any worse, but having had to deal with all this stuff and things ending up getting worse in general, why would I think it would end up any different, and then that makes me feel like a crap person because in the meantime all my friends are happy and in love and working hard and living their lives, and I don’t want to talk to them. I feel like if I was such a good friend I should be able to deal when they get excited about something, but all I can think is I’m tired of there only being just enough good luck for everyone but me. I don’t want to have to celebrate things with them because I don’t feel celebratory, just like I don’t want to bum them out with my misery because they shouldn’t have to feel miserable

I see, and I agree with that. Then I guess it really is looking into. I’ll look into it and see what I can find out. Thank you!

Hmm… it’s possible

I’ve told my dad about my mom before and that I feel like she doesn’t really listen to me. But neither of us really know why that is or how to fix it. She’s gotten to be a bit more overbearing but in the sense that she doesn’t so much talk to us but rather just tells us what to do. She’s interrupted and changed the subject but part of me thinks she’s not being malicious, she just won’t focus on what she’s thinking about. And I try not to think of it too much because even my dads started to be like that. He’ll definitely listen but instead of recognizing there’s something that upsets me they just wonder ‘why focus on it when there’s so much else you can be thankful for?’ It’s helped a little bit but it’s just not that easy

About my parents, they got married when they were 25, on a whim even. They married after some months of knowing each other and they’re still together. They disagree on things of course but I think they just like each other. My dad used to tell me it wasn’t the fact he loved her that made him marry her so fast, but the fact that he just liked her. They were friends and they knew of all the things in the world that could be against them so to speak, they knew they’d always be for each other. Well they had kids in their 30s, now they’re on the downhill to 60, and on top of that my mom has had cancer for about three years now. So in addition to just wanting someone I could be with, I also want a family of my own and for my parents have enough time to be part of it. Which just adds even more stress

Plus I’ve become a bit disenchanted with people. My standards are too high or something. My friend gushed about her first date to me and I’ve never done that. Last time I did was probably high school. So I don’t know if i could even regain that excitement beyond ‘ah, they’re okay.’