Having a few days to myself to let it all sink in is helpful. I see some things with greater clarity now.

I think, Anita, that you have identified something that has also come out in therapy – my tendency to stifle my own needs because I feel like I owe it to someone else to put theirs first. I struggled with this for a while because service is important and strong relationships include service (or acts of service, for those who prefer the love languages). But I think it became habitual in me, maybe even a part of my personality, to constantly accommodate everyone else, sometimes at my own expense. I even found myself on this last trip asking, why do I feel bad about taking an afternoon to rest after a bad night’s sleep, especially when I had already fulfilled my primary commitment. It’s as if I am constantly wondering if everyone is satisfied with my contributions. I even remember hearing this put into words in numerous family contexts as a child, going to some length to make sure that someone else is “happy” – usually my mother or grandfather. My late wife challenged that presupposition in me when she said “you’re not responsible for my happiness” on more than one occasion.

I find the process of trying to relearn all of this – what I really like and how I truly find satisfaction – to be challenging. But I am delighting in very small successes, like breaking my own self-imposed rules to eat what I wanted for dinner the other night.

Alessa, I think you’re right about socialization. I am trying to learn to accept that there are limits to what people can invest in professional social situations. I’m trying to open my eyes to see that people are giving me quite a bit and to be grateful for it. My own personal observation is that making the kinds of very close connections I am seeking is not easy and that I might need to revise my own expectations – and also be brutally honest with my own commitments to others in these interactions.

Thanks for listening – one day at a time!

Omyk

Hello,

Today is a good illustration of just how complex figuring out one’s life can feel.

Attended a big conference last week and received more validation for the work I have done than I had in the previous several years. It was stressful, we were on a tight schedule, and it was very hot outside. I was home for only a couple of days before going to another conference that was satisfying professionally, though i don’t know people who participate in this particular group.

I have had more meals with people in the last two weeks than I normally do in 4-5 months. I talked a lot of shop and did a great deal of business.

And yet, it still feels like it is lacking for me. I feel terrible even writing that sentence, but- it’s true.

It seems to be a craving for a different kind of connection with people. I noted that I have turned to work social events for my own social life, and while I have enjoyed it to some degree, I find something I’m searching for to be missing.

I guess the lesson is that the kind of personal engagement I’m searching for doesn’t come easily and will continue to take effort, maybe outside of work contexts. Maybe that means I have to take some risks I have shelved for some time.

Thanks for listening!

Omyk

Dear All –

I think I learned something important today, as I was able to return to ministry for the first time in two weeks. I have been in a liminal space since my wife died, one that has many factors – a child with two years left before university (who happens to excel academically), job insecurity, and my decision to take the next step in ministry. My contract expires the same year my child goes to university, and there is no guarantee that they will renew it, even though continuation is usually pro forma. So I had already experienced some radical changes, and more routine ones are coming.

I think all of this is the cause of the fear. Its not just a matter of being alone – I also have some financial insecurity.

I have been seeing the year my child leaves for university as a possible opening to make my own change – to move to the retirement home, or to the metropolitan area close to it. This will be the first major thing I have done alone since for over 30 years – maybe that is an added ingredient to the fear. (What happens if I don’t like it?). The decision to move forward in ministry is a good example. I knew that my religious community demanded celibacy, so I tried dating to see how it would go. I knew that there would be no chance to go in reverse if I decided to take on ministry, unless I risked being released permanently from my order. One of the lessons I seemed to learn during that time was that ministry was really important to me – more so than having a new partner. So, I stepped into that space, and figured that I would have second thoughts and some buyer’s remorse. That has happened, but it’s not nearly enough to cause me to really consider leaving the ministry. Right now, it is about the only thing I look forward to. The year-plus of celibacy has not been easy, but it is okay most of the time (not all). And I seem to be learning how to deal with it when it is not okay, when I miss having a partner who is also a lover.

Maybe the most concise way to express it is to say that I fear that the changes that are coming – some of which I am actively anticipating and even creating – will disappoint me, and that I won’t be able to handle them.

If I opt to go to the retirement home, I do have neighbors on my street, and I know two households quite well and get along with them. I would call one of the households friends, though we only see each other when I travel there. They were heartbroken when my wife died – they attended the funeral, cried throughout, and have been super supportive of me.

Today was a good day because resuming ministry energized me and gave me some courage to keep working towards taking steps that are for me and my life.

Roberta, I think you’re spot-on about ministers. I have discussed a similar issue with my counselor. He has pointed out that it has been my duty and task to take care of others for many years now, and to act in ways that pleased them. he has gently urged me to learn how to please myself. It sounds so easy, but it’s the hardest thing in the world to do, for some reason. Maybe unlearning habits is super hard.

Thanks for sending me good energy and prayers. much love to you all.

Omyk

Dear Alessa –

Thank you for your kindness.

My friend who made the comment doesn’t live near me. I have seen him once in the last eight years, when I took my first vacation after my wife died. I stayed with him and his wife for a few days, they are about 25 years older than me. We communicate almost exclusively over e-mail. He has never been here or to my other home, though I have invited him, so he doesn’t really know the landscape.

My fear is based on how long I can keep my spirits elevated in a rather lonely life. So all can really do is live one day at a time. Tonight was an evening I normally look forward to, of ministry in my community, but I was unable to do it because of obligations driving my child to and from a performance.

With gratitude –

Omyk

I am grateful for the opportunity to share my thoughts and life path here. Thanks to all of you!

Omyk

Dear Anita –

Thank you for following through on your promise to respond within 20 hours. That’s impressive! I’m able to deliver on a similar promise to students, but that’s pretty much it.

I need to think about my response. I’m at my haven now and do not get here very often. I did not mention that my wife is buried only 40 minutes away, and that seems to draw me here. I visited her burial site today and wept somewhat vigorously for part of the journey there. This is unusual…I am now typically calm when I go there.

In any event – more tomorrow.

Peace to you and yours.

Omyk

Dear Anita –

Thank you. Yes, my child has communicated emotional withdrawal. I sense my own role shifting gradually and clearly, into someone who provides space as they manage more and more of their own affairs. There were complications before their mother’s death, and the impact it had on my relationship with them was inevitable (in terms of an impact).

One of the issues that has come into play for me is place. My current city of residence is based on employment, but I have no anchor here outside of my religious community. My late spouse and I had chosen and slowly renovated a retirement home in a small, but lovely community in our native region (we were both from the same general area). We spent a few summers there before the pandemic and I have owned the property since 2016. It was very hard to visit the place at first and I put it up for sale twice. There were no buyers on the first round, and I took it off the market after a few hours on the second round. It has become a haven for me – I visit it as often as I can. I have been strategizing ways to make the place my home base once my child begins their university studies – not easy because jobs in my primary field are scarce.

If I could make a choice on the basis of location, it would be this homey haven on the water, even though it’s by no means splashy or posh.

What are your thoughts on the significance of place? A friend of mine says that it would be better to have a small salary and live in the place that feels like home to you than to make more money and live in a community that doesn’t feel like home. One advantage to making the retirement home my main hub is that my brother lives nearby, and he is really the only person I feel close to besides my child. (Sad as that may sound, but i suspect true for many people).

With gratitude for you –

Omyk