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omyk

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  • August 9, 2024 at 9:51 am #436005
    omyk
    Participant

    Dear Roberta-

    I’m sorry about the passing of your childrens’ fathers. Your messages are inspiring.

    I am finding that if I take some time to allow myself to endure episodes of loneliness – they usually last one day – I remain content with my life as it is, the single parent of a teen. This seems to be working out well for me, and has contributed to the reduction of stress and anxiety. I hope to be able to report that all is well at some point down the road, after a little more time has elapsed.

    Wishing you and everyone else here well –

    omyk

    July 28, 2024 at 2:16 pm #435458
    omyk
    Participant

    Dear Roberta –

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I am encouraged by your words and am genuinely happy for you.

    As it happens, I did have the “discussion” with my wife before she died, because of the uncertainty of COVID. I had told her that she could have a new partner, but she did not indicate her feelings to me one way or another.

    Your description of longing sounds very wise. I would say that I am fine most of the time, and that bouts of longing for another still come, but I am learning how to endure the moment until it passes. I, too, am trying to track my feelings over time. I haven’t been on a date for over four months now, and I feel like I am finally allowing myself to grow into a single life – one that has powerful episodes of fulfillment, despite the cold fact that I do miss my wife.

    Wishing you all the best, with gratitude –

    omyk

    July 24, 2024 at 6:40 pm #435352
    omyk
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, there is much to unpack here. Thank you for compiling this information. I have a few thoughts.

    First, one cannot deny human nature. Sexual desire and connection is normal, it can be good, and (I would say) it can even be sacred.

    For the few who seem to embrace celibacy without difficulty, hopefully they find healthy ways to give and receive love.

    I am looking at later life celibacy as a potential choice, and certainly not an easy one. I agree with O’Brien, who says it is difficult. Difficult is not impossible. I’m not sure if I will ultimately choose celibacy, but if I do, I will try to adopt the mindset that I had a good marriage, it is a worthwhile sacrifice to do something else good, and I can find healthy ways to give and receive love. And maybe it is just as much a “soulset” as it is a mindset. I’m meditating and praying on it now, and it’s definitely difficult. But I think it might be possible. Or at least I hope it is.

    I think the important thing is to avoid denying that one has urges. I don’t want to deny my humanity. I also don’t want to lie to myself. Dostoevksy says that lying to yourself eventually leads one to cease loving.

    With gratitude –

    omyk

    July 24, 2024 at 4:21 am #435334
    omyk
    Participant

    Dear Helcat –

    You raise a valid point and I received it happily and with a clear mind. My situation is a little complicated. I am a lower ranking minister in my religious community, which is somewhat conservative. When I was widowed, the rules state that I will be removed from ministry if I remarry. I have been doing ministry for more than twenty-five years and was considering taking the next step up when she died. Remarrying or cohabitating means giving up the ministry. A lot of people in our community don’t like this rule, but it’s not the kind of battle you can win. I’m trying to take it all as it comes. I do realize I might feel differently later, and if I do, I think I will have the courage to say that I ministered for several decades and can move on with dignity. I have another source of primary income, so I’m not financially dependent on it. Right now, there is so much on my plate in between single parenting and managing the job I have (there are serious issues at my workplace) that being still sounds very good to me.

    What you say definitely makes sense and I am going to try to remain open to all good things, in as much as that is possible.

    Gratefully,

    omyk

    July 23, 2024 at 10:37 am #435312
    omyk
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Helcat,

    Thank you for responding. I appreciate it. I appreciate your words, too.

    Acknowledging that no two of us are the same, I have learned that sex signifies something much deeper to me. Regardless of how it sounds to someone else, for me, at this point in my life, I want to reserve it for deep love shared in a committed relationship. I understand that it’s something else for others, and I respect everyone else’s freedom to view and practice it how they wish.

    A huge part of my upbringing was constantly obtaining approval of elders. I try to be conscious about avoiding acting in an overbearing way with my own child. But I sense that I have been shape to act in ways that others approve of – even if they’re not hear to signal their approval! So, I’m working on that right now. It is really hard work to unlearn and then learn a new way of thinking!

    Thanks again, and all the best –

    omyk

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