Dear Roberta –

My goodness! Who am I to complain and vent about the deaths I have endured? You didn’t ask for empathy, but I offer it here. You have my admiration, too – for finding a way to make the best of each day.

On the theme of making the best of life, I find it to be a strange experience. Most days are ok – I have an agenda, do part or most of what needs to be done, and sometimes enjoy an activity. My problem surfaces when I get anxious about missing out and wonder about my future when I look into the crystal ball. Most days, I am not only okay being single, but somewhat relieved, because I feel like I have more than enough to keep me occupied. Then I will have these spells where I feel a strong desire to share life with someone, to really be close to another person from day to day. I am trying to let life come to me and be open to such possibilities without forcing them. I realize it’s possible I will never fill this deficit – sometimes I’m not okay with that.

Today, though, was a good day – I felt at peace and reasonably content with life, with all of the challenges it poses.

Sorry for rambling on here –

Sincerely,
Omyk

Dear Roberta –

I am grateful for your compassion and your comments. I am trying to make my current single adult life work. I think I will know how it’s going to go only over a period of time. And your comments about choosing it and having it imposed on you are spot-on. Wishing you all the best

Omyk

Thanks for these helpful responses. I kept things going after my wife’s death and often feel like I’m just going day by day, with no real goal in mind. I think I have found a fairly happy space with my religious community – I accomplished a multi-decade goal of advancing within the ranks, and have found motivation in meeting the new challenge.

I notice that I start to unravel emotionally – mostly anxiety and the fear of being alone – if I try to look into the future. Can I really make it on my own for another 25 years or so and be happy?

When I tell myself to just try to make tomorrow a good and happy day, then everything goes well, usually very much so. And if it doesn’t, well, I can’t say that I was happy every day I was married. In fact, I was often unhappy.

My goal has been to try to be open to all possibilities and people. The only major goal I have is to downsize my life. I want to live meaningfully, but more quietly. (I spent a lot of the last two years traveling for work – exciting, but tiring, and ultimately fleeting). I’m tired of feeling like I’m always behind the eight ball, never caught up on everything that needs to be done.

Dear Roberta –

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am encouraged by your words and am genuinely happy for you.

As it happens, I did have the “discussion” with my wife before she died, because of the uncertainty of COVID. I had told her that she could have a new partner, but she did not indicate her feelings to me one way or another.

Your description of longing sounds very wise. I would say that I am fine most of the time, and that bouts of longing for another still come, but I am learning how to endure the moment until it passes. I, too, am trying to track my feelings over time. I haven’t been on a date for over four months now, and I feel like I am finally allowing myself to grow into a single life – one that has powerful episodes of fulfillment, despite the cold fact that I do miss my wife.

Wishing you all the best, with gratitude –

omyk

Dear Helcat –

You raise a valid point and I received it happily and with a clear mind. My situation is a little complicated. I am a lower ranking minister in my religious community, which is somewhat conservative. When I was widowed, the rules state that I will be removed from ministry if I remarry. I have been doing ministry for more than twenty-five years and was considering taking the next step up when she died. Remarrying or cohabitating means giving up the ministry. A lot of people in our community don’t like this rule, but it’s not the kind of battle you can win. I’m trying to take it all as it comes. I do realize I might feel differently later, and if I do, I think I will have the courage to say that I ministered for several decades and can move on with dignity. I have another source of primary income, so I’m not financially dependent on it. Right now, there is so much on my plate in between single parenting and managing the job I have (there are serious issues at my workplace) that being still sounds very good to me.

What you say definitely makes sense and I am going to try to remain open to all good things, in as much as that is possible.

Gratefully,

omyk