Thank you, Anita. My health is better – I just had post-surgical fatigue for quite some time and am having some minor problems with my respiratory system. I think everything will be okay.

my employer renewed my position for several years after I had started arranging for an alternate job. One thing led to another (so to speak), and the people involved with the other job announced my hiring. It is possible for me to do both jobs, so I am going to see how it goes – especially since one never knows how things are going to go in a new position.

In all of my mental gymnastics, I finally realized that the life I have been leading is fine. The only real change I needed to make was to allow people in, which is more difficult for me than it was when I was young. If no one new comes along, I am fine. If new people come along, even better. I think I was looking for something to fill a void – a job where I felt appreciated, a companion so that I would feel loved. Much of what I was looking for was already a part of my life. I did not need the second position. (Though, in my defense, three years of being told you are likely to be let go does motivate one to look for new opportunities).

I am concerned that maybe I have boxed myself in, but I do have time to see how it goes and evaluate everything before making related decisions (like relocating closer to the second job, which has fewer opportunities for remote work).

Staying in the present and resisting orchestrating the future is hard work.

Hope all is well!

Omyk

Hi Alessa,

Thank you for your encouragement. I will eventually figure it all out. It may be that there is more than one good choice. And that is something I can be grateful for.

Omyk

Dear Anita –

I like emojis – it is a way I connect with my child. Fun has been in short supply. I like to take long walks in forest trails and alongside water. Not easy to do this in the winter – it has been cold and snowy in my region. My schedule has been unrelenting of late because my child is very active with extracurricular activities, so I have been driving quite a lot.

Later in the spring there will be some time to devote to more intentional activities. Maybe I can challenge myself to learn how to create fun in the darker, quieter, colder seasons of the year.

I hope you are well –

Omyk

Dear Anita-

Thank you for your positive wishes. I am grateful.

regards,

Omyk

Hello to everyone here. I thought I would surface and begin by wishing everyone well.

Life has been hectic. I have learned a lot about myself in the last several very intense months.

Today, I am honestly feeling very sad. I continue to struggle to find contentment.

I am convinced that I am a terrible parent. We had a rough summer – a failed overseas study abroad trip for my teen child. I had to bail them out. Multiple contributors to the request for SOS. I was glad to bring them home, and we bonded both before and after the trip. But I also sense them detaching from me, even pushing me away, snarling that I don’t understand and only talk about my own problems. (We are both in counseling and also on meds). Trying hard to be self-aware, to not talk about myself so much, but I just can’t break through. My head tells me that it “takes two.” It’s an instance where you have zero say in how they’re feeling. There was an event at the high school that led to a huge letdown for them and they’re refusing to talk to me. I’m just sad. I feel powerless.

Lots of self-doubt. I am still professionally successful, but care a lot less about this now than I had. My dive into ministry has been okay. I overdid it – I work way too much and am paying a price for it. My brother is very worried about me. I admit that I am, too.

And as hard as I tried, I still crave opposite-sex companionship. Someone from my past reached out and asked if we could be friends, and I agreed. The two meetings have been quite nice. Yesterday, she asked me if we could jump back into a full-blown relationship. I thought we were just friends. She said that she is disappointed and does not understand why I won’t pick up where we left off a year and a half ago. I said I don’t feel ready for it (despite some inner urges).

I feel stuck in this arena, too. I might not be able to find common ground with her. I have tried everything I can imagine. Anchoring in community is not working for me (because someone always has a question for the minister). Pretty much everyone else in my social circle is married and legitimately busy. Not giving up and I am aware that this is a common dilemma for people.

Feeling very lost in general and overtired as well. I am actually about to spend a couple of days alone in nature. Hope they might be restorative while this enormous war wages within my heart and soul.

I don’t expect responses – just want to thank you for listening and sending good vibes.

Omyk

Dear Anita –

“Risking realness – that’s where depth starts.”

I am grateful for the wisdom you have shared here.

I am struggling with my own inner contradictions. I remain social, but have been hesitant to get too close to people as a result. I have shared a few of these issues here, so there isn’t a whole lot that is new.

What I continue to struggle with is the joy in doing my work with the requirement of celibacy.

I have had a few rounds sharing my thoughts on this here. Sometimes, you can’t have everything you want in life. I knew it would be a struggle and was doing okay with it at first.

But now it’s really wearing on me. I don’t always feel this way, but right now, I feel like I’m trying to convince myself that I am supposed to be celibate. On the inside, I feel like I’m not really being myself.

My counselor tells me that he appreciates that I am keeping my options open for myself. The truth, though, is that I have been trying to close that door when, in my heart of hearts, I don’t want to. Yes, losing my spouse to sudden death was awful. It will always be a part of me. But a very human part of me still feels capable of loving and being loved.

This week was filled with some guilt and even shame for desiring companionship, including physical touch. It takes a lot of energy to deny these feelings. A small part of me wonders if this is like constructing your own torture chamber.

There is a lot going on in life right now, so I’m not going to initiate anything. But I end the week hanging my head, wishing that I could just be content.

Thanks, as always, for listening.

Omyk

Dear Anita and Alessa,

Thank you very much for your thoughtful posts. You have given me a lot of material for reflection. These are very good questions and I will respond later on Monday, June 16.

With gratitude,

Omyk

Thank you for checking on me, Anita. I am ok.

I was really struggling because my birthday was on the horizon. It turned out ok. I had some friends over, I cooked for them, and we had a nice conversation.

I have a lot of days with wide-ranging emotions. Sometimes I wake up and feel anxious, without much hope, and the day gets better. Other days begin calm, but descend into difficulty. So highs and lows often in the same day, though not always.

There are two constants.

The first is wanting to simplify life, to downsize. I have made that a longer-term goal.

The second is wondering if I will ever choose what I want for myself over what others ask of me.

I’m not really sure how that’s going to go. It sounds achievable, but I find myself struggling to set much of anything or any time aside for me.

Thank you for your care for the people who visit this Forum – and this is for all of you, knowing that many of you have interacted with me on multiple occasions.

Sending good vibes and sincere prayers for all of you –

Omyk