Dear anita,

Today she broke off the relationship with me as neither of us were happy. I am heartbroken and miss how good things had been just little over a month prior.

Thanks, Harry

Dear anita,

A huge amount has happened since I started posting here a little before Valentine’s day. The problems I faced then are definitely no more than a distant memory, with the exception of overthinking. We are now officially going out: my feelings for her came rushing back, and I’ve spoken to her about my problems and anxieties since. She’s been very understanding, and much of that is due to the fact that she suffers from severe generalised anxiety.

In many cases of anxiety, suffers end up having to deal with ‘bad thoughts’: for her, these are the urges to self harm, kill herself, and a poor body image. We had a mutual friend who effectively served as a third wheel at the time, and he opened up to us in telling us he thought he had schizophrenia. We went to hospital appointments with him, and gave him emotional support when things were bad. I’d seen him so frequently that it had started to wear down on me, given the fact that he relied on me so much, and started seeing him less. She explained to me that her anxiety is triggered just by thinking about her condition, and she used to suffer with many of the same things experienced by our mutual friend. When he talked about it near constantly, it made her own mental state bad, so she cut him off entirely. I told her not to blame herself for doing so as it wasn’t her fault. Later she began talking about it as though it was his fault (because he should’ve been more considerate), despite the fact he was obviously oblivious to the fact that it affected her.

This mental instability continued into the next month, where she began acting slightly strange around me. Having previously been very publicly affectionate towards me, she began rejecting this affection, which made me feel like she didn’t love me. I addressed it, suggesting it might be a result of her body image problems, and she agreed. I was happy just to know it wasn’t me. Shortly afterwards she had an anxiety-fuelled breakdown, in which she messaged me saying she had the urge to self harm. I tried my best to calm her down, but found it increasingly difficult because I was panicked and she treated me horribly as she vented her anger. She ended up self harming in the end, and it seriously upset and disturbed me, feeling like it had been my fault. This came at a bad time, when I was simultaneously trying to complete both my university choices and my coursework. When combined, this put me in the worst mental state I have ever been in. Despite knowing she couldn’t control her anxiety, I felt angry toward her, as I’d put off doing coursework and deciding on my university to help her, only for her to treat me badly and end up self-harming anyhow. We talked it out and resolved the problem, but another couple of arguments followed.

The next argument came on a day when she barely spoke to me at all, and when I tried to hug her to cheer up the obvious bad mood she’d been in, she snapped at me.  This had really upset me, as once again I’d been mistreated for trying to help her and it seemed like I was the only one being treated this way. I stormed off without telling her what she’d done (she didn’t realise) and after resolving things, she told me to tell her directly if she’d upset me. She later explained she hadn’t wanted to hug since she’d been in pain and on her period, but also because she was having trouble showing affection.

The final argument came when she was feeling bad, and when cheering her up, I told her that I had thought of a way I could help her with anxiety attacks without it upsetting me too. This upset her, and she claimed that I’d made her problems about myself, later telling me that she was having an anxiety attack while we were arguing (something she hadn’t previously mentioned). We argued and she realised she had been harsh on me. I ended the night by finding a way to distance myself from the emotional trauma of her bad thoughts so I could help her, and managed to calm her down like I wish I had the first time. She said I’d massively helped, and recovered over the next few days. We talked more openly about her mental illness and in coming to understand it better, become much closer again.

I’d hoped that that would be the end of it, but she was still acting strange around me. When around her house she was talking less and being much less affectionate. Soon, in school, she was barely speaking to me at all. When she did she would make a harsh comment, which would upset me. I confronted her about this and she apologised, saying that she had also upset one of her other friends doing the same thing that day. I started to notice that she was showing other people (especially one of my other friends) affection, but not me (she definitely doesn’t like him in that way though). She told me that she’d been struggling because she had become numb to everything (she says it isn’t linked to her anxiety) and while she knew she was in love, she couldn’t feel it. She told me she was also uncomfortable with affection and barely talking to me because she feared she’d upset me. She’d been trying to joke like we used to, but it had only upset me as what she was saying was just harsh: there wasn’t a comedic tone to it, it wasn’t lovingly teasing like we used to, it was just insulting. In essence, what she had been doing to try and avoid upsetting me had actually been all that was upsetting me. I have explained this to her, but to this day she still acts strange around me. The harshness of her jokes likely links to the fact that, feeling numb, she struggles to read emotions.

On the last day of school, she barely spoke to me again, though things did seem a little better. Everyone had pictures together, and she had a picture hugging my friend. Afterwards she said that she’d better have a picture with me or I’ll start crying, telling the entire group. She later claimed this was a joke, but the reality was that it hurt to see her embrace my friend in a picture and awkwardly stand next to me by contrast. We had been so in love just a month prior. I explained how she’d upset me, and she said that everything she did was upsetting me, but apologised and we said that we loved each other.

I went to meet her with the rest of the group for drinks after school, and she talked to my friends but not me. When I told everyone I was leaving I waved to say goodbye. She put her hand out as though she wanted to hold it, but then tried to take my cigarette instead. I was shocked and disgusted and left in a bad state. I cried the entire walk home.

The next day we were going out for her friends birthday. She dropped off her things at my house earlier, seeming excited to see me like normal, and passionately kissed me before leaving. I was under the impression things would be fine again, but later that night, she embraced my friend, excited to see him, and I got a measly ‘hi’. I tried to start numerous conversations with her and failed time and time again. On the way home she spoke to everyone else, I walked ahead in isolation. At my house she came upstairs, got ready for bed, and when I came in offered me a sad, understanding smile. I gestured to hug her and she said no, so once again, back to square one, we said nothing and went to sleep. Except, I didn’t really sleep at all because of the heat. She woke up on several occasions and I offered her water for her hangover each time. In the morning she gradually became more and more affectionate, and soon things seemed almost normal again. I asked if she wanted to talk about Friday and Saturday and she fell silent. Conversation soon returned to normal and things seemed fine, the exception being that she didn’t say I love you or kiss me before leaving, and I realised for the last few days it had been me every time.

It had been more than 48 hours after leaving and she hadn’t spoken to me at all over messages. I sent her an instagram post and she opened it and didn’t reply. My friends encouraged me to try and talk to her, so today, I messaged her: ‘How you feeling?’

She replied ‘good’, clearly making no effort to continue the conversation at all, and I suppose this is where I find myself now.

Sorry for the long post, but I am unsure what to do. I have never been in a situation like this before. In a month I went from the happiest I’ve ever been to the most miserable, and everytime a problem seems resolved another seems to come up. Now she isn’t talking to me or showing me affection, and previously I’d felt like I trusted her and could talk to her more than anyone. She doesn’t seem to want to talk about our problems despite telling me I should tell her if I had any. She hasn’t changed how she’s been acting particularly even after telling her that it upsets me. What upsets me more than anything is knowing that the only problems caused in this relationship have been caused by mental illness. Even if she was back to normal, I’m not even sure whether I would be able to be the same way I once was around her. In the past she told me she loved me more than anything, and she’s the only girl I’ve ever fallen in love with, but honestly, I’m struggling to see any way I could sustain this relationship.

Any advice is greatly appreciated,

Thank you,

Harry

Dear anita,

I am certainly glad to hear that the thoughts I’ve been having are normal. I’m particularly relieved to hear that I shouldn’t blame myself as I was feeling immensely guilty.

I think what it’s worth bearing in mind with my situation is that my anxieties aren’t too prevalent. I have had fairly bad social anxiety in the past and my feelings over the past week haven’t came close to that level of severity. What’s more is that I only conquered social anxiety by being more social, just like I’ll likely only conquer my relationship anxiety by experiencing a relationship. While sleep deprived and exhausted I found my worries surfaced, but I don’t see them as a major obstacle for the relationship, at least not something that couldn’t be overcome with a little time. A friend of mine described his first relationship as initially “daunting” and I feel that more closely reflects my feelings as opposed to me being “nervous”. I think many people in a similar situation may have had thoughts like these and probably just dismissed them, but perhaps because of my own introversion I felt the need to analyse and dwell on them and feel guilty about them.

It’s also worth noting that I am only eighteen, and three months ago I was still legally a child. I’ve never been in a relationship before, and everyone I’ve spoken to has claimed to have gone through something similar when they started dating. Obviously because the whole process is later for me, it seems a little harder to dismiss, but I don’t think that quite warrants therapy.

I feel like the way forward probably is to simply proceed with the relationship. What I am aware of is that my fear of rejection probably resides in my lack of experience on the physical side of relationships. Virtually everyone I know at my age has had some kind of sexual experience in the past, so I’m very much in the dark. Despite this, what the girls best friend told me is that she is obviously aware of my lack of physical experience, and is willing to be patient. It doesn’t put her off of me. And in that sense I am feeling much better about the relationship.

I feel the other main source of my scepticism of relationships comes from those my friends have had in the past. One my best friends stopped talking to me almost entirely as the result of an extremely committed relationship. Fortunately he came back, but I another one of my friends broke off contact with entirely because of a relationship. I found myself distanced from another friend who was once very close to me because of a relationship that changed him. I suppose in many ways this put me off of relationships, but now I’ve found someone I consider worth the risk. What’s more is that my two best friends have also found themselves dating recently, and we’re all still seeing each other frequently. We’re all very understanding of each others situations, and are even talking about going out together as couples.

I’ve came to realise is that I remember that when I held her hand all of my anxieties seemed to just disappear. I’ve been talking to her non-stop for days and I’m certainly feeling less anxious, much like how I used to feel. I’m also feeling much warmer towards her: perhaps getting these anxieties off of my chest yesterday has allowed me to move on?

Either way I’m confronted with the fact that I’ve never been in love with anyone else. This girl seems near perfect for me, and I’m not the most picky person when it comes to relationships but I’ve never felt strongly enough to act on my feelings before. I feel like if I were to choose not to proceed with the relationship I wouldn’t have another for a while. It just feels like that would worsen my
anxieties by having to initiate a sexual relationship even later in life.

Last but far from least I was very worried about the fact that my feelings for her wavered, but I understand that at the very beginning of a relationship they’re still developing, and as such, I can’t expect to be head over heels for her even if I wanted to be. I must be patient and give myself time. I’ve still only been on one date and I’m thinking of planning the next one soon.

Do you feel what I’ve said is justified or do you have any suggestions? I am open to therapy but I’ve battled much worse anxiety in the past myself and I’ve came out on the other end a much better person for it. I feel I can move past it once again.

Thanks once again for your input,

Harry

Hi Anita!

I asked her out for valentines day and she said yes! We’re both thrilled and it’s exactly what I needed to get to know her better.

Thankyou so much,

Harry

Hi Anita,

In previous potential relationships I do seem to remember losing my edge and interest randomly after a certain period of time. At the time I just thought I didn’t like them anymore, but looking back I think it might have been this fear of rejection.

It never occurred to me this is what it might’ve been. While I’d spoken to my friends about my anxieties about being in a relationship with the girl before, I hadn’t thought it might be the reason my feelings had changed. In a way I suppose I did notice it, I just didn’t connect the dots.

In general I’m not usually too worried about being left out or rejected. I think it’s just specifically in romantic relationships.

Thanks, Harry