Dear Rumia

Sorry, it took sometime for me to reply.

Like I said, I’m still in a dark place right now tying to fight my own people, the society against my ideals,morals,dreams etc. It is so exhausting sometimes and I literally don’t have one single soul to support me. All my friends are married and they recommend the same to me- some went through arranged marriage; some love marriage. It’s just that I haven’t been lucky enough in both cases. And I’m at home currently because I had been called selfish to go out and have a life myself but being insensitive to my parents and family.

And the tension and stress is unspeakable. I literally don’t get out of home because the people I know only asks about my wedding. The new workplace I joined last year had people commenting on my single status since day one and I hated it there and quit my job.

I want to get away from this place asap and go far where people don’t know me and judge me based on my relationship status. I can’t believe that I could let it affect my self esteem and emotions like this. When everyone around you consider you as a failure for not getting married( even though you have a master’s degree in engineering from one of the best university in my country), you become so depressed that you can’t even face people.

My orthodox conservative society sucks big time. While I was doing masters, I liked a guy but he was quite younger than me:7-8 years. Hence I didn’t even pursue it though I could guess he also liked me. But we never spoke to each other and though we have so.many common friends, both of us never took any steps further. All we did was just look at each other from far whenever we were in same surrounding.

I comforted myself by telling that this is doomed from beginning since our family, society would never accept it. Now all I do is check on him once in a while in social media(even though we have more than 30+ common friends, we are not even friends in social media) and see how he is doing. Well….that’s just my story right now. And I have heard and read that if someone is interested, they would let you know. I keep telling myself that he is not interested since he hasn’t shown it in anyway other than just looking at me.

Just wanted to share it with you. Love is the most hardest thing I have ever seen in my 38 years of life. I just can’t get it right till now.

Hope your heartache gets lesser with each day.

Vida

Hi everyone..
Thanks a lot for the reply.
MORE INFO
Well…
I know that running away is not the answer. All I want to do is to shift from a job which has become mundane and I’m bored to hell with this job. Its been 5 years in the same place and that too without any promotions or added advantage. I don’t know how to express it, but I guess I’m trying to make ‘this’ person and what I’m feeling towards him as an excuse to move away.
Coming to him telling me – well..i don’t think that’s going to happen coz from what I have seen both of us are very shy when it comes to initiating anything. Its all about some glances and nothing more. We work in the same office building and I have noticed that whenever he is with his colleagues he tries hard not to look at me. He never smiles also. But if i catch him alone along the corridor or so, he looks straight into my eyes like questioning me.since I have seen him with the lady somewhere else, I have come into the conclusion that either he is taken I not interested. Also its been almost two years like this. If he was interested, he would have shown it in some way.
@ Matty-
For the very first time im relieved to hear that there is nothing wrong with me if I develop feelings for someone who is otherwise unavailable. Like you mentioned, I haven’t acted on it or made my life hell coz of it. But yes, I do think sometimes- what if he is single or something in those lines.
– Vida

Adam,
Thanks a lot for the reply. I really appreciate it.
I’m really struggling with ‘love yourself’ phase because from childhood I have thrived on external validation and appreciation.
Very recently I have realised that I have very less self-love and self worth. I was never comfortable with my looks and always felt I wad physically not beautiful. I was made fun of during my school and college days(dark and fat) and I had rather become reclusive and an introvert.
The people whom I dated cheated on me and left me for others and it affirmed my belief that I’m not worth it at all.
The so-called friends and relatives used me ti get their work done and they dumped me thereafter.
Very slowly I’m getting out of these cycles and surrounding with people who genuinely keeps reminding me of my self – worth.
Everything wad going fine till I got rejected and I wad thrown into the same well of self-pity.
Thanks again for the reply.
PS: Going through your blog and there are really some good stuffs out there.

Thanks a lot for the reply.
Yes, I’m aware of the fact that once I open up, I’m more in control of my emotions. I had done that a year ago. I went and told hi to the person whom I had a crush on. Introduced myself and spoke for 5mins and left. It gave me such a joy. But later when I realised that he wasn’t interested in me, I felt so bad.
I know rejection is a part of this and would like to take it in my stride. But most of the time I end up being taking it personal.
I have noticed that I also have certain pattern in these encounters. I will be the happiest if my crush sees me or when I was in a relationship then, if that person calls me or meet me. The other days I will pull myself to the rock bottom and think that they aren’t interested in me or I’m not worthy of them. Those days when I feel like that are dreadful and scary. I think that stems from my childhood experience wherein I was called names and no one really made me understand my worth. Even now, I think I’m unconsciously looking fir validation from outside people.
Today also I saw him, but he didn’t even look at me and hence my day is doomed. I know and I keep telling myself that I should not place my happiness in other people’s hand, but this keeps happening.
I guess I really need to work on myself in order to get out of all these patterns.
I wish the best for you too and its good knowing that even I’m not alone with my emotions and feelings.