Thanks for your reply! First I didnt say my thinking was irrational& this is where it gets sticky: that guys naturally like bodies. So how could it be irrational? You mean when i said that its impossible that he’ll like every female he see’s- thats irrational? Yeah.

To clarify a bit, I had Selective Mutism as a child it wasnt targeted to help even though i did get supposed-help. Then As a sophomore in HS I got diagnosed with Social Phobia. So untreated SM escalated into Social Phobia. Then they said I had depression. So this issue did not create me having Social phobia. But not being 100% comfortable around people makes it twice as worse because I just think they look at me like theres something wrong in me, which I know its not reality.

My jealousy started with the 2nd bf. I was a junior then. Since I already was a highly sensitive girl, i might’ve taken the betrayal twice as hard. I just couldnt shake it off my head then it lead to arguments because the image of him staring elsewhere brought hurt. I didnt socialize well at school through all my young life so how could I know about relationships or social skills?
It was until I was 19 that I learned about selective mutism online. Thats when it hit the nail. It all made sense. Thats what I had & no so-called professional could figure that out. They said I didnt need help anymore when clearly SM is an early anxiety disorder that could’ve lead to other anxiety disorders.

Going back. Im trying to see my partner as an angel see if that’ll help since I once had a dream where he was standing next to my bed staring across with head held straight with his bright white sparkling wings. That really brought comfort & peace.

Yeah. Thank you. Ive been meaning to share with someone but most don’t even get this. It has gotten worse now as time passed. I control him to the point that I have prohibited him watching TV or going out because of the fear that he’ll peek & enjoy. There were many times where I got violent too. I just cannot seem to stand that there can be hot women around him. Hes kind, trustworthy, very patient, very mature, loving me unconditionally, supporting me, being my crying shoulder. I can tell him anything & Id get comforted. I love being around him and animals. Those are marvelous times but as soon as I hear a female voice outside, I assume he likes that too. I also have asked him not to look their way to avoid an argument. It just escalated so quick. I wasnt like this in my 1st relationship. My 2nd one was what triggered it. It was a shock. I got deeply wounded as the other stared at a girls chest & that made me feel worthless.
Since then I accused this ex of looking occasionally. It wasn’t as severe as this current one. It just escalated and my anxiety made it worse. I have untreated social phobia since very young (im 22 btw).

I know that its impossible for him to think others are attractive but I just overthink & overanalyze & this has gotten me deeply depressed to the point of extreme lethargy.
Ive told my mom about my depression & anxiety disorder but I dont see her completely helping me (she has chronic illness). I tried looking for therapy but most dont accept insurance or are full. This year was the worst depressed episode ive experienced. My fam has heard me fight before but its very hard to control myself. So just because we still laugh & have a good time, i think my fam assumes my issue isnt huge & not really a problem.

Most women dont even think twice about their hubby looking but i think its cuz they dont wanna overthink & are better off just avoiding all that pain; but I just cannot let go of the envy. Im trying to help myself best i could but its hard. We’re not crazy, It just excessive jealousy. Living in a crowded city makes things even worse.

But my partner is willing to go through all my difficulties. I know he loves me like he never loved, he does things to make me happy. Hes a wonderful guy & im thankful for everything hes given me. The best of all is his support, love , patience, & unconditional mature love since i met him (at 17&16 yrs old).