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Jessica

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Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • in reply to: The downward spiral of my relationship with myself & partner #122521
    Jessica
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply! First I didnt say my thinking was irrational& this is where it gets sticky: that guys naturally like bodies. So how could it be irrational? You mean when i said that its impossible that he’ll like every female he see’s- thats irrational? Yeah.

    To clarify a bit, I had Selective Mutism as a child it wasnt targeted to help even though i did get supposed-help. Then As a sophomore in HS I got diagnosed with Social Phobia. So untreated SM escalated into Social Phobia. Then they said I had depression. So this issue did not create me having Social phobia. But not being 100% comfortable around people makes it twice as worse because I just think they look at me like theres something wrong in me, which I know its not reality.

    My jealousy started with the 2nd bf. I was a junior then. Since I already was a highly sensitive girl, i might’ve taken the betrayal twice as hard. I just couldnt shake it off my head then it lead to arguments because the image of him staring elsewhere brought hurt. I didnt socialize well at school through all my young life so how could I know about relationships or social skills?
    It was until I was 19 that I learned about selective mutism online. Thats when it hit the nail. It all made sense. Thats what I had & no so-called professional could figure that out. They said I didnt need help anymore when clearly SM is an early anxiety disorder that could’ve lead to other anxiety disorders.

    Going back. Im trying to see my partner as an angel see if that’ll help since I once had a dream where he was standing next to my bed staring across with head held straight with his bright white sparkling wings. That really brought comfort & peace.

    in reply to: The downward spiral of my relationship with myself & partner #122520
    Jessica
    Participant

    Thanks for your help, much appreciated. The problem is because it hurts. Why is it hard to understand? I just dont get people, dont mean to sound rude. It hurts that he can think he can get away with even the slightest look or admiration. I know admiration isn’t harmful but theres something about it that just stings. Maybe because Ive been like this for about 6 yrs now that it seems quiet impossible to detach from it?
    And yeah hes a wonderful guy being happy no matter what but to accept that ill be having straying eyes just rages me. Ive asked him many times if he’d stare & he always says no, he doesn’t need to because Im everything he has been looking for and his heart is set on me. He also has said that thats considered a bad behavior so he wouldn’t do it. So the fact that he’ll stare, is contradicting what he said & he rarely lies. So… I just cant have that thats why I control. Im learning to accept myself & bring self-compassion. Im try to be happy but i guess it needs more work.

    in reply to: The downward spiral of my relationship with myself & partner #122485
    Jessica
    Participant

    Yeah. Thank you. Ive been meaning to share with someone but most don’t even get this. It has gotten worse now as time passed. I control him to the point that I have prohibited him watching TV or going out because of the fear that he’ll peek & enjoy. There were many times where I got violent too. I just cannot seem to stand that there can be hot women around him. Hes kind, trustworthy, very patient, very mature, loving me unconditionally, supporting me, being my crying shoulder. I can tell him anything & Id get comforted. I love being around him and animals. Those are marvelous times but as soon as I hear a female voice outside, I assume he likes that too. I also have asked him not to look their way to avoid an argument. It just escalated so quick. I wasnt like this in my 1st relationship. My 2nd one was what triggered it. It was a shock. I got deeply wounded as the other stared at a girls chest & that made me feel worthless.
    Since then I accused this ex of looking occasionally. It wasn’t as severe as this current one. It just escalated and my anxiety made it worse. I have untreated social phobia since very young (im 22 btw).

    I know that its impossible for him to think others are attractive but I just overthink & overanalyze & this has gotten me deeply depressed to the point of extreme lethargy.
    Ive told my mom about my depression & anxiety disorder but I dont see her completely helping me (she has chronic illness). I tried looking for therapy but most dont accept insurance or are full. This year was the worst depressed episode ive experienced. My fam has heard me fight before but its very hard to control myself. So just because we still laugh & have a good time, i think my fam assumes my issue isnt huge & not really a problem.

    Most women dont even think twice about their hubby looking but i think its cuz they dont wanna overthink & are better off just avoiding all that pain; but I just cannot let go of the envy. Im trying to help myself best i could but its hard. We’re not crazy, It just excessive jealousy. Living in a crowded city makes things even worse.

    But my partner is willing to go through all my difficulties. I know he loves me like he never loved, he does things to make me happy. Hes a wonderful guy & im thankful for everything hes given me. The best of all is his support, love , patience, & unconditional mature love since i met him (at 17&16 yrs old).

    in reply to: The downward spiral of my relationship with myself & partner #122467
    Jessica
    Participant

    Hi. Thanks for replying. I know its not because im lacking something. He only wants me- he keeps repeating it since we 1st met & I believe it. We’re on our 6th yr now & its gotten worse because im controlling unconsciously. I dont mean to its just that it hurts when he can get away with a peek. Its not fair to me. I dont think relationships should work that way.
    I know that I have the right to gawk too but I dont want to. We’ve already talked about this issue many times but I just cant bring myself to accept that he’ll like others beside me. I know its a waste of energy but the sting.

    Maybe I have different views/standards than majority of population.

    in reply to: I hate my existence, what's the point? #122466
    Jessica
    Participant

    Maybe its not all about you but them. It seems like it. It seems like she just wants to go from one to the other. I have social anxiety too (had selective mutism as a kid) & i dont know why no one helped. Im 22 still with heart beating fast EVERY SINGLE day- every hour. SA is much more than social conversations. Its stares, its overthinking, its being sometimes afraid… Ive fallen into deep depression. So-called professionals didnt target my problems. They just let me go on my own. I cant believe that. Ive no job or degree yet. School was Too overwhelming. I think I wasnt meant to be in society. I dont fit in anywhere. Im hypersensitive thats why. But maybe you should look for help.

    Jessica
    Participant

    Thanks for responding. Yeah, I feel like at that moment he cheated and left me betrayed. I know hes not cheating but it feels like it. Like Ive gotten my trust broken every time.
    Maybe its unprocessed fear? Trapped pain?

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)