Thanks to the three of you for such great, thoughtful advice. I think the women’s abuse survivor support group may be a good idea if I’m unable to get past this on my own. My only reservation would be that I did not suffer any physical abuse or anything to the degree that other women who utilize those services go through. I wouldn’t want my presence to be an insult to women who have “real” issues.

I ended up texting the ex to ask when he was thinking about coming by to get his things. He told me he could come by at a specific time. I did not agree to it, but thirty minutes before that time he texted to say he was “on his way”. I considered telling him no, or not answering the door when he arrived, but a large part of me just wanted to get this behind me so I let him come in and get his things, including the stupid bed (lol Will). It was uneventful, versus the scenario I had built up in my head, and he was on his way. Though he did leave in heaving sobs which pulled my heartstrings. I appreciate the validation and support in telling me to follow my heart/stick to my guns. Perhaps I should have, though honestly I am relieved to have it done and not hanging over my head anymore.

Since then, he has texted me some condescending, manipulative and controlling type messages but I did not take the bait. I simply told him I didn’t wish to engage. He threw some more angry words at me but I did not respond.

And yes, Will, this is the actor. The same guy I wrote about in another post as well. Needless to say, this relationship has been a challenge for me to leave behind.

Thank you, Lila, I very much appreciate your kind words. It sounds like you can relate to what I’m going through. When I spoke to a therapist about my fears and pain, I said to her “what if this was my love story and it’s over now?” Because there were so many things that happened between us, conicidences that made us seem meant for one another, that I feared this was IT. She said to me “what if that was only the preview before the real movie starts?” That new love you speak of might be the “real movie”. I wish the same for you as well. But in the meantime (and always), you’re absolutely right that we have to love ourselves first and foremost and trust that everything is happening perfectly. My best to you <3

Thank you, Elisabeth, for your wise words and sharing the process you are going through. I recognize I have some codependency issues. Even now that we’re split up, my mind keeps going to him and feeling bad about the activities I have planned for myself and my (our) friends. I think about how he would like to do the things I’m doing with me. I picture him sitting all alone and it breaks my heart. Then I get a flare of anger because I think of the night I was sitting all alone and he was out, introducing himself to another woman and developing an interest (the character of which I will never truly know). But even those feelings of anger are tempered by my belief that he is a good, loving person who is just lost right now and he’s grasping for anything that can take away the pain. It makes me sympathetic to him. Despite that, I can’t move forward with him as long as he continues lying about it, and I know at this point there is no hope for him to fess up. I’ve even considered moving on with him, knowing in my heart what the “truth” is, even if he’s not emotionally mature enough to admit it to me and to himself. But that’s all kinds of wrong and really selling myself short. I deserve better.

This past Saturday he texted me asking me to go to breakfast with him. He says he thinks spending some time together would help. I feel like I couldn’t even look at him anymore. He says he wants to hold me and look into my eyes. I feel like I’d be looking into a stranger’s eyes, desperately searching for the ghost of the man he was. Or, like you suggest, the man I thought or hoped he was. I declined the breakfast and he responded by sending an email urging me to go to counseling with him. He has an (what I believe is unorthodox) idea that we should attend counseling together, even if we are breaking up. He thinks it is the only way for us to truly learn how to better operate in relationships and that it would help our future relationships whether or not they are with each other. This is mind-boggling to me. I don’t want therapy as a post-mortem on our relationship, I want it to be the birth of a new me. I told him I would only consider it if it were in order to heal our relationship together. I don’t know why I am still hanging on. This disagreement about therapy is just one more instance to add to the long list of things we don’t agree on.

Thank you so much for your encouragement Howard. Your words really resonated with me. In fact, mere minutes prior I had received an email from my ex, telling me that our love is real and we can work through things together, etc etc (he wants to go to counseling together). I was reduced to tears, wondering if I should go back and then *bing* in came your message and my tears stopped. That likely sounds melodramatic but I wanted to let you know how much you’ve helped me by putting some consideration and care into my situation.

You’re right that I’ve had one foot on the dock and one on the boat, admittedly for quite awhile. In fact, I had been contemplating leaving him for the last several months. It’s a bit embarassing to read back in my journal all the way back to 6+ months ago, where I plotting the “right time” to leave (maybe after my parents visit, maybe after this trip because we already have airline tickets, after his birthday, and so on). I think more than anything right now I’m feeling a sense of loss, and it’s clouded by what I consider to be a betrayal. It’s very confusing to have a man seemingly wanting me back, urging me to work on things with him, telling me how I’m the most gorgeous, loving, warm, smart woman in the world and then having the knowledge that he has developed such an interest in another woman. He says he viewed her page as a “distraction” just like he looks at other people’s pages, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. And I guess in a sense his distraction has distracted me from what I need to keep focus on: myself and my needs.

Did the relationship pay dividends? Not nearly enough. I will say that I never felt so adored, cherished and loved by anyone before, which likely seems dubious in light of recent events. Before the relationship started falling apart, he made me the center of his world along with his son. He cheered me on at my events, left me cards, flowers, really romanced and nurtured me in the way I crave. Did all our grocery shopping, cooked all our meals, made me feel like I was beautiful. I think that is what I am hanging onto, that feeling I had with him. The emails and letters he’s written me in the past month offer glimpses of that and it’s tempting me back. But I know all the larger issues won’t just go away. I need to work on my self-esteem and recognize that I am a great person even without him telling me that. I guess I just want to feel wanted, and he gives that to me. Not to mention other practical benefits of having a life partner – all my friends are partnered, our social lives revolved around each other… someone to talk to at the end of a hard day at work, someone to check in with. Someone who would be worried about me if I didn’t come home at night. I have images of being left dead in my house with my pets wandering around my corpse for days before anybody checked in. haha ok, not really…….

Anyway, thanks again Howard. Your encouragement really helps.