Yes perhaps that would be helpful. Also I’d like to point out that I fantasize not actually do those things. And I ruminate on it.
I also noticed that I’m very conscious of who is looking at me. I feel bad when no one glances at me. I have this need to feel desired. I know this isn’t right but I have been doing that since I was a kid. I often get attached to guys who are even jerks, but they make me feel this way. And if they possess a specific set of features, I start obsessing over guys who look similar. In reality, I know that I don’t have a type because the people who I ever really connect with on a deeper level, were unexpected. And as I obsess, it just doesn’t feel right. I know it isn’t right.

for my parents, my dad was gone for three years when I was 10. After he got out, he persisted to work jobs that invovled being away from home. My mom was also a full time working parent and I would always be at the baby sitter or left home alone. I’m also an only child.

Thanks everyone for your input. 🙂