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  • in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428801

    Hi Anita and Tee,

    Thank you for the feedback, i feel when i write this stuff down i need a couple of days to come back and deal with it. Its like this endless flow of emotional stuff that doesnt seem to end.
    I think the bit about C-PTSD is very interesting, the concept that you don´t feel safe or feeling like you need to be a “warrior” to the outside world is pretty familiar.

    I realise this stuff is deep-seated and problematic. Even trying to identify my mom as a source of this issue is still hard for me. She said only yesterday that i should try EMDR therapy and had my therapist suggested it? my therapist has really only suggested i join groups, classes and get out more.

    I am unconsciously attracted to the same relationships over and over. Thus i decided to stop trying to meet people altogether but thats not really a solution either, unless i want to be alone and i dont. Its just i dont know anymore. What i am attracted to naturally seems wrong and i dont know the right way.

    I met with a friend yesterday though, we took a walk and it was nice, i really needed to meet someone. I just need more friends like that, she is older and fairly busy. I stopped communicating with another close friend..sadly i realised some things about our relationship were not great and now i cant look past it. I think the problem is that i cant complain, cant argue with friends for fear of losing them..but will anyway. If you cant be honest with each other then where is the reality. Another friend just left the area and will only be back later in the year. Its just unfortunately where i live people are usually passing through.

    Basically, ive written a whole essay on this and could go on. I have deep-seated fear of rejection and yet get constantly rejected. I fear confrontation..and get the feeling of being attacked all the time. I have the ability to stand out, i have a presence but i fight it because apparently from my youth i was taught not to be too big in order to have support.

    My head hurts from trying to understand why, and trying to motivate myself to work now is the main concern as i feel a lot of shame for not having a career. Shame! another factor that i dont really need right now.

    What happened online is just a result of my isolation i suppose, and people turn on someone who they think is weaker. Problem is, i know im stronger…maybe IM the covert narc or able to emulate one. How complicated.


    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428688

    Hi Anita and Tee,

    Im still feeling very angry all the time, at stuff that others may see as “just normal life but unfortunate” its just that the “unfortunate” keeps persisting.

    I cant cope with any bad news. To escape it i go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much. I was trying to loose weight and get fit,….im unable to keep it up, thats not a surprise, my mind is on full stress. I can´t handle any small problem. My mind races with negative thoughts, i get exhausted..i get nothing done. I feel more angry with myself.

    I have several bigger issues, things going on but for the sake of an example,

    I had this body lotion that i really liked, a relative bought it while they were here a year ago. i thought “great, ill get more of this” long story short, it seems like you cant buy that specific cream anymore…, i tried everywhere, also online. Its frustrating, its also not the first time i have had this problem being unable to find a product, you start to feel you are going crazy.

    I need to emphasize that at the beginning of that i thought i could get something easily, that i would feel a sense of sastisfaction having taken care of something i needed and at the end of this story im angry, disappointed and feel despair. Its only a story about a body cream but to me its just another metaphor of how messed up my life is getting.

    I tried making a bread starter, twice..it won´t ferment.

    I tried knitting..(which ive done fine before)…i can´t keep the stitches from slipping, i can´t follow the pattern

    It seems that everything i try throws up a problem that needs fixing, and therefore takes over the project..taking the fun away and presents only issues and frustration that it cant be resolved and overcome..there is no break from this. Especially if you factor in tech issues with computers, its never ending. Its no wonder im angry all the time. And when im angry, other things go wrong…

    Basically, im totally unable to focus…im too stressed out. People say let go..i cant.

    The therapist said about one example that was particulary frustrating, “well, you tried, you did your best and thats all you can do” but that isnt ok with me. Especially when i see other people i know, seeming to get everything right, getting what they want, being complemented on their work, going out on dates, easily meeting with friends who want to see them…i dont ever. Is that just “unfortunate”? really? Or is there something else going on?

    call it the cinderella complex ?probably.

    Yes i probably had less support growing up, some people i knew got hit or got hyper controlling parents, with mine i was always glad they let us do whatever, within reason. I was a good child, did as i was told, my sister more rebellious so i guess i felt the need to be responsible, which made my sister more resentful and absent. But i had nothing to push against something i guess that leaves you wondering if you re doing the right thing..if no one says anything. I didnt get disapproval but the comparison to others was definitely present. I dont know how to fix this. To feel better about and to be able to make decisions more quickly and with more conviction. To be confident. I wondered for a while if i had some autism that i could blame but when it comes down to it i cant put a finger on it. Im just sensitive and it seems like a crime, something that puts other people off.

    Part of the process im upset about now is that i feel now i dont know who to trust.

    Ive already recently backed away from 2 former friends because im sort of realising the toxic side to the friendship…and that i put up with it because deep down i knew, it served a purpose so that i could even have any friends, without them, id have none. I still have a couple of others but they are not available to hang out all the time. I certainly miss having that every day kind of friend but its just so hard to get that without in fact being in some kind of toxic relationship. Im scared that…to have a friend or relationship with someone, we would inevitably slip into the patterns of leader/follower, with some form of abuse in one way or another. Its one of the main reasons im so wary of dating.

    I think im always trying to triple-guess what people´s intentions are. Because sometimes they can be dual or more. This is extremely exhausting and draining, then i just want to be alone again but still miss company.



    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428637

    Hi Anita, Hi Tee, Thanks for your messages

    Its been a while and ive been seeing a therapist.

    So far, not really getting much further, just talking about feelings. Its tiring to dredge through thoughts and try to make sense, i so wish i wasnt in my situation…The therapist is talking about the emotional child state and the rational adult state..fair enough. I think she feels im trapped still in my early adolescent child state when it comes to relationships. Im tired of looking to my parents as a source of my problems..even if they fit a picture, they have been supportive through this. I know you might say its perpetuating a certain pattern in my life but right now..i have no one else really around me.

    im aware that losing my work (which i strongly felt a sense of worth through) has had a terrible affect but its also the way it naturally seemed to play out so unfairly. I lost my main job and then due to similar circumstances changing the market, my second job decided they would not continue working with me…they had given me enough notice and i just drifted to the finish line going through the motions. …. After i lost this side job i just sank into a big depression and felt cut off and isolated from the social circle i had (my work colleagues).

    My attempts last year to widen my circle of friends and meet someone to date also were painful and unsuccessful…depressing again to think of. I have a hard time with social stuff and often find myself feeling attacked by others, i guess i come across as too soft with others but its not in fact how i am…in any case, social interactions are like a minefield of intentions, game playing and hierarchical domination…i read so much into it that in the end id rather not try! Dating used to be pretty easy…now it seems the guys i met were distant, not compatible or just plain looking for a quick connection..not my thing.

    Therapist and family both saying just take your time and be kind to yourself. I just find that really hard…i feel myself getting frustrated and angry all the time. I want things to work NOW. Small things going wrong in the day have almost sent me over the edge…. I dont really know how to get out of that negative spiral. I get upset and just think this is fate, im failing in every way. Then i try and take a breath, take a break…get so tired by the problems and overthinking that i cant do anything productive.

    I cant let go of the need, the feeling i need, to achieve things..to compete and do well compared to others. By contrast a friend of mine who also left the same company has been going from strength to strength, business going well, even meeting a nice guy online. Im not talking about lover forever..but just that its going well is a real sting to me…he has even helped her get a project doing something she always wanted to do.  Im never really jealous but now i just felt really like life is giving to other people and not to me..I was happy for her but at the same time she seemed to be rubbing it in my face. She and I used to hang out a lot but now she´s too busy most of the time (or not wanting to meet) and tells me casually about things she is doing (with others). Finally i just got angry about it and stopped replying to her, i know its childish but im going through a really hard time and have this sinking feeling that we are moving apart naturally and i should move on.

    I can see there are others who feel this way, either lost their purpose or have been mutely going through the motions, feeling stuck. Im now at another crossroads in my life where i have to make some big decisions and im frightened to do the wrong thing. Im aware that you can´t in fact “make the wrong move” when life is a question of trial and error anyway (and so, to give myself a break) but my fear is still there.  I dont want to be in this situation, if i look at others they seem fortunate. I also just dont have faith that what i put my heart into will be a success, ive seen so much disappointment that i cant bear any more.

    So im not doing much…just day to day stuff and feeling uneasy about time passing but unable to shake the depressed feeling. I dont know if any of this introspection will lead anywhere.


    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428053

    Hi Anita, i didnt see there was a second page and started answering before i read the rest!

    Thanks for the description of RSD, it does sound like my experiences..i guess that you would say you have to find the root cause of the sadness to stop from overfeeling? Or does that make a difference? Do i just continue with the same experiences because it is how i am made up. For instance, i could say, Well im a scorpio, a water sign and people will immediately roll their eyes because this is typified as someone who is intense, emotional and deep or mysterious. What you identify with in your head though is what matters and it takes enormous will power to convince myself that i can be something else.

    Hi Tee, it sounds like a similar family experience to mine. There was no violence, no shouting even but my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak. I know that he comes from a similar experience with his mom so its perhaps not surprising but it was a negative effect on us kids growing up. We basically learnt…that bullies always win. My mom could victimize herself easily with him being very apologetic. I believe in fact many people have grown up with this dynamic either way if they had two parents. Inevitably, with two people there is a push and pull of competition with each other and affection.

    That “dual” mentality, my subconscious being from that background and my consciousness knowing what is in fact right, is very difficult for me. I get tired easily by my thoughts going left and right trying to work it out, the uncertainty wins. And in social situations i often dont follow what is going on, the subtexts below the talking. I reckoned, if i was “nice” in life, id get by but that is far from the case! you get crushed by the people who are out there looking to win against other people. I feel like there is always a lot of jealousy around me and i cant control it, how others react to me, but it ruins everything. I often feel angry that other people are rude, mean or wonder what their problem is. I know what it is though…they want attention. Maybe my childhood has made me cold, unreactive…but then again, i have to defend myself against what i perceive as possible danger right?

    I do try to do the small things, and have been. Its not always successful, but ive been conscious of just being kinder to myself if possible. Im well aware theres no such thing as the perfect childhood. People i will come across will have been through stuff. I just want to be able to function enough to have friends, a relationship. It felt lately like everything just fell away. I got resentful about friends not answering my texts, not able to meet. Then tired, then depressed. Not a big surprise.

    Thanks again

    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428036

    Hi Anita, well being a soldier means to stay tough and fight an enemy in a physical way. The symptoms i feel of my life, are in the end, physical.. exhaustion, tension and stress in my body. I dont want to go off on another tangent but another factor can be hormones and changes im going through (menopause). I feel im aware of all these possibilities but i just wonder why everything feels so difficult for me when other people are much lighter.

    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428024

    I would say, its like someone who feels like they are in a battle, trying to communicate, trying to get by, trying to stay strong, There is really no choice if you want to survive in the world as it is. The difference is that i am highly sensitive. Trying to navigate social communications is like a minefield to me.



    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #428007

    Hi Anita,

    Ive managed to get a therapist, its basically another person to complain to so far! They are just listening to my stories. Im just frustrated and angry that i seem to get so beaten down with problems. Today im actually having another one of “those days”. I dont want to list it all but so far ive discovered some cash went missing (from my bag~something that hasnt actually ever happened to me) and i have the usual excruciating multitude of tech problems with my computer. All of this adds to my already overloaded mind. I feel im going crazy sometimes by the way im so sensitive and reactive to things. I know it could be any combination nr of things, including depression, anxiety, PTSD from being hacked and persecuted online, bullied by my workplace and overhauling my problems with family or lack thereof. I know..it can take years to recover…to meet someone compatible to me so i can finally relax a bit more, enjoy life more..ive been like a soldier for so long, there is no mistake when people say this.

    When you wrote “do you loathe yourself”? at first my reaction was “no!” in shock…i had meant purely based off the way the character was portrayed in the movie but thinking on it and now some weeks later i realise that, yes..probably i do loathe myself in the sense that, i cant seem to put a foot right..just nothing works out for me. Like i seemed to discover, oh! im a dork…not a creative nerd. A real loser who can only fuck up. And if i really go for something i want, oh its way way worse! I get rejected even harder by others, things get even more crazy. It feels like the world is against me. Im old enough that i dont even cry anymore, its internalized.

    So its no wonder i walk around with fear, worrying about anything done wrong and its a catastrophe in my head. And i just feel i feel i cant afford a catastrophe, im already back down at base camp ffs… trying to climb when others are almost at the top, even if you say its not that bad.

    My sensitivity is therefore, really high right now. i just dont want to lose any more, experience any more negativity. Im trying not to drink, sometimes i manage and sometimes i cant do without it. I also know..that will affect my mood and make things worse, but being human…i need some kind of out. I do walk a lot already, i try to exercise a bit, then get depressed about ageing…its normal i do know.

    Part of finding the therapist has also made me very sad that i have to accept and become aware again. This is me. who i am. I am depressed and always was. Ive stopped reaching out to friends…just shut down, to survive this moment. Its not pretty to see someone go through it either. I always wish (ha! wished as well!) i could impress someone with some different news! I also dont want to hear other peoples great news either.. It would be nice to believe other people go through this but i know, its not the case for a lot of people and they are just chemically/behaviourly different than i am. There are people out there who do not get depressed like this and dont understand it.

    I notice when i hang out with some other people that they have light minds…there may be some sad stuff or difficult stuff, but they are not weighed down, brush it off quicker and move on. I am of course, most attracted to those who seem like that. Who wouldnt be.

    Seeing both sides to every thought is exhausting. I do it all the time and get tangled up in these thoughts. I want to write about it and then i think “who would want to read that?” I see other people speaking and think they are so smart. I write my own ideas down and disregard them, i somehow cant formulate anything coherently or smoothly, even in art i was never satisfied with what i did because it just didnt have the right effect. But not being able to turn left or right..that fear of choice…its mindblowingly hard..if i could figure that out maybe something would move forward?


    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #427556

    HI Anita,

    I agree with you that sometimes the people who you think are doing great just arent all that great, maybe they are just the kind of people who are better at hiding disappointments and their emotions, they can also be people who are better at always focusing on anything good and rejecting the bad..I suppose i always draw attention to the bad. I just never felt like hiding anything. I have a strange need to explore the total emotion of emptiness and i cant explain that. When i was a kid i remember i was the one helping everyone else process their emotions, trying to empathize with others was my thing. My friends were all oddbeat and sensitive in one way or another and i loved that. I never felt popular and i never felt on top of things. And i felt guilty if i ever had more, if someone was left out. There were times when i dumbed myself down, wore baggier clothes, i didnt speak up. In my experiences…when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me. Ive always looked out for the underdog.

    Today im struggling again…and then in between i have maybe have some hours or a day max where i think im going to be able to handle it, like its really not so bad and that everything will be ok. Im swinging between these moods.

    Ive not yet heard from the therapist i emailed..second time i tried and second person…. go figure. Id like to see someone in person. I have issues with doing stuff online. Having been hacked a couple of times will do that to you and because im an old school human being i would prefer it.

    I watched “Bridesmaids” the other day and recognised with some horror that i am the main character Annie. Everything keeps going wrong in her life…she lost her business, her boyfriend and her self respect, she starts sleeping with a guy who doesnt care about her, works in a job where she is constantly confronted with other people´s positive dreams. Her best childhood friend gets engaged and has made a new best friend, who appears to be perfect in every way and seems to challenge Annie. She considers her lowest point moving back in with mom when she is kicked out by her gross landlords.

    Its a really good movie because it uses this to tell the story about depression and self loathing in the most simplest of ways…her car is a piece of s*t that won´t drive to where she needs to go. The hot guy is shown as driving an expensive flashy sports car, the dependable guy is a cop who regulates the traffic.

    Finally, reaching her “bottom” Annie realises that she is not losing her friend who is getting married, or in competition with the beautiful new bestie, she sees that the hot guy is not meeting her expectations and that the dependable guy was waiting for her to notice him. She rediscovers her love of baking, the thing she is good at.

    Im waiting for my moment. What im “good” at.  I need to learn how to be more positive in my outlook, how to deny the negative even if it seems tempting to see “what happens next”. I have to fight these feelings. If i have a uniquely melancholic personality, then i need to learn how to fake my way. I would love to have a partner but it has to be someone i also believe in….ill never be one of the cool gang but i dont feel like what im asking is too much.



    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #427475

    I just contacted another therapist, so hope there is some news this time. I really need to get some support from somewhere.

    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #427474

    Thank you Roberta and Anita. I appreciate that there IS somewhere to go as it just seems things continue to snowball. I dont know what im doing wrong i just know that i feel very alone. I feel the need to explain why i feel so awful, as it may seem nothing to some people, just one or two things. But when you layer them on top of each other it suddenly may seem like, yes. There may be something wrong in the universe..or at least, i need help.

    I know i need a councillor to speak to, somewhere to go and talk about all these difficulties. But im still scared to pick the wrong one and to be stuck despairing in that. Up till now im just strong on the outside and fighting constantly a losing battle inside. Sometimes i feel so bad i have suicidal thoughts..its only thoughts i know, i just really know how to make myself feel shit.

    The main issue right now is the feeling of panic, anxiety and fear. Im feeling so overwhelmed by feelings and negativity that i panic myself. When i talk to others im aware of how negative it all sounds but im scared, there is no one else for me to turn to when i get home. Im scared for my future…there is no real pension to speak of from the work i did, i relied on just being able to keep going…my plan was to buy property to rent out but i cant get to that point, i dont make enough. I own my own apartment..i can sell it but then id quickly run though the money. I can only find brick walls and problems..my friends try to help but they know i have to figure something out myself.

    I just got into an argument with my mom, who called me to see how im doing. Whenever i am super vunerable, feeling mad at the world and upset like this..my mother has no words of support for me.. She will in fact find ways to tell me off and make me feel worse. There are times when you just want someone to hear you out, for them to tell you something that will calm you..to listen to you. She invariably talks about someone who has everything going well or some really small problem that SHE has and my mom is really well taken care of. In this case she said how my sibling is looking for a property to buy and i wasnt helping her (my sister just recently bought an expensive property last year) they are doing amazingly well because where they live the income is relatively good (in USA), he works and my sister raises her child and supports business but generally has a lot of free time. She wants to buy something near us and i want to be happy for her but she has had so much good fortune its sometimes too much to hear. It feels like my mom wanted to thrust that in my face again.

    My sister saw a house she wanted me to go see it for her. At one time my sister lived alone in a trailer and did garden work…but she really landed on her feet, met a real committed guy, had a kid, built a tiny house and just recently bought their own place…she also managed to get all this before she got too old to do it…the partner has achieved most of this for her, so essentially she has become like mom. you know what i mean by the luck? Its bittersweet because i do care for them and want them to do well but it hurts sometimes that i never have any good news of my own. I dont tell my sister about all my failed attempts to meet a guy..she would just feel bad, theres nothing you can say. Its just bad fortune i ended up in a place where meeting a decent person would be near impossible and bad fortune that we make so little money here. She is always upbeat about my options but i know she knows its hard for me and that i am alone. Or rather, alone and dealing with our narcissistic mother, she feels similarly about it but made the right choice, when she visits its a party and my parents do everything to make them welcome, even used to always buy their plane tickets. In the past my sister always fell out with mum but now has found the perfect balance and i guess that has a lot to do with having a partner to share difficulties with. And of course, producing the grandchild which i now cant do.

    Im trying not to panic but its hard not to.

    the work i am most experienced in is currently oversaturated with new competitition, soaring prices going up and taxes on living, richer and richer people moving in who can afford it as well as new immigrants who will fill the roles in offices.. The pay is awful in other jobs..i just applied to a place i thought i could do part time..they want to pay equivalent to what you imagine a highschool student could get and wont offer many hours…so i have to turn it down.

    I wanted for the longest time to start a shop but i cant afford the rent, and would need to spend a lot of money to start..i thought of doing some shop online but i feel overwhelmed. Ideally i would have done something with a friend but other people have their own thing going, there is no one who is up for that (unless i fund it all!).

    I thought of writing jobs, vlogging, blogging, doing content work. I know you can do that and i have in the past, a long time ago now…but theres competition from other countries that charge even less for their highly qualified work…i have to do something that does not rely on being paid by someone else..im too old to start at the bottom.

    I dont know how to stop spiraling in negativity…i get exhausted trying to do one thing and getting angry when it doesnt bring an answer or progress…i get so tired then stop, listen to music or take my dog out. In the evening i need about half a bottle of wine to feel ok. I know i have to stop but at the moment im trying to be kinder to myself.

    I think what is truly exhausting is when you ARE trying your hardest…and its just NOT WORKING OUT. And then you see someone else, who may or may not have your same situation, and things just pop up for them…like fortune cookies, and they are suddenly ok again. This is why i get to the point where i think, something in the universe is deadset again me having anything…..i feel like ive been beaten up mentally. I feel starved of help and fortune.

    Another example of it is that a random guy shouted at me today when i was walking my dog.. i was on some rough land i go to 3x a day for the past years with no problem and there we dont need to pick up the poop, only of course if it was in the path but i would if it was in more public and pedestrian areas…he yelled at me to pick up after my dog and was extremely aggressive in his attitude..i talked back to him and told him to mind his own business but it upset me of course….im in my own neighbourhood and he is a visitor.

    Afterwards i was reviewing the encounter..just before i levelled up to pass him, the guy was just standing around smoking and spit on the ground…some of the more basic local men do this but not really visitors and its considered rude in any shape…but as we came level my dog suddenly decided she needed to poop…in the verge but opposite his van, it wasnt intended but of  its still in the verge. So he obviously took offense and the position that, he had just arrived, so now WE were in his backyard! I reckon, i just have that face people think they can be rude to..and let out their anger..because for certain he would not have said it to an old lady from the area, or a big guy, or a group of people right?

    in reply to: A study in loneliness and rejection #427327

    Thank you Anita and Tommy,

    Im not new to depression and i suffer from social anxiety. I was diagnosed as HSP once as well. Needless to say, somehow, ive managed to survive this far, mainly by finding the strength in myself…no drugs, no therapy..just hanging in there. Where i live it is not very advanced in this area and i dont have a lot of money to waste on trying to find the right thing. I struggle and have done, to deal with self worth and existential anxiety. That even sounds contrived and pompous to me. But its the case. Even if i had a wonderful relationship with someone…i would still feel like this. I would wonder what my purpose is..what im doing…could it be better…i would still struggle to find contentment.

    So i live alone, eat alone, am mostly alone…..and most of the time i can handle it. I cant say im happy, im so much happier with friends around and doing stuff together. But others..they dont stick around. Maybe they are too busy themselves or maybe its because nothing ever seems to get better for me and its painful to watch? i notice that sometimes i have to fill silence with talk because they are not saying anything, or worse, looking over my shoulder…so i have to conclude that im not much fun to be around.

    People are also more attracted to someone who has it all together, clearly i dont. I lose jobs, men and friends and i dont have answers to why things happen. Im not proactive, i dont have plans or ideas of what to do. These days it is increasingly just panic. Its like there is something wrong with me and i cant put a finger on exactly what..i feel that there is so much inside that i would like to do, but i cant get there with this brain. i feel trapped.

    When i was a kid i did prefer to be alone, i was shy, your typical introvert, great imagination, able to entertain myself no problem. As i got older ive had friends, boyfriends but i never got married, had kids, these things are a big step i couldnt make and in a lot of cases i was rejected at the times when i would have taken the leap. Work life has been patchy and very difficult for me so ive developed an anxiety of not having work, not making money. I studied art..it has been fairly useless and i taught myself everything else that i know from computer design to marketing to business administration. I should be proud of that but there has always been someone more accomplished vying for my job, or next to me or coming up behind me. Always a boss who wanted more and made me feel like i wasnt enough. A boyfriend who needed more of something i didnt have. I never mastered a corner of the room for myself that somebody else couldnt do. So therefore i feel fairly worthless.

    I have parents who achieved a lot in their life, you can say its my dad´s hard graft but it was a combination of that and great timing when jobs were available, opportunities were there. I have needed their help financially quite a bit. My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when i am depressed and when i have achieved something great..she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy. Over the years ive understood how complex that affect is and exactly what type of family i got. My sibling also gets very jealous if i achieve something and she goes quiet if i need help. So i cant rely on them.

    Ive never experienced that trajectory where things just keep rolling forward and getting better due to your effort and network. I reckon if i had..i would feel encouraged, i would feel valued. Ive pulled myself up from suicidal thoughts many times but i stay fairly low energy and if anything im always dreaming and see dark things in everything, the dangers rather than the benefits. Part of my negativity stems from my parents im sure, they always expect the worst but i reckon they are happier not being around me. They are very much a self contained unit, not needing any other person..my sister also experienced this neglect of us but in her own relationship she is starting to mirror them as well. And has achieved a lot by steering her partner where she wants to go. I do not possess this skill.

    I really tried this last year to find someone to date, i decided to put emotions aside, to dream a little less and focus on whether i was compatible. I had a few dates but realised that most of the guys only want a faceless hook up, a warm body. Ive thought about writing about this in some sort of comedic way because it was the only way i could deal with the feelings..again, the rejection. I can look objectively and see that they were all people that were lonely, looking for something but not sure what. But i was looking for a genuine connection and couldnt find it. By contrast, my friend, who has a lower expectation, found a guy almost immediately and is happy to have a casual connection. I have to admit, i expect the kind of fire that i felt with my ex. Ive looked into star signs, cultural background, hobbies..to see where the magic click is that would make someone right for me, im still looking, it seems like good fortune is the only factor sometimes…

    In the midst of my constant self questioning i got caught up with online bullying..by sticking my head above the waterline i became a target from some young guys. Im white, they are black..they took my interest in them and twisted it into racism, made fun of everything, hacked my phone and i suspect..also my family and friends. It got dark, nasty and political. While i watched this happening to myself, i realised that this happens to a LOT of other people…the videos that you see that are joking about something, are likely to be targeting someone they dont like or want to oppress and either you are in the loop, or not even aware. I know some people are half aware of this online targeting, we are seeing more extreme things will happen with AI. To put a long story short, i realised the end goal might be to ruin me (steal money and my ID) but they didnt need to do anything..it happened all on its own. At the time i was watching a lot of tarot readings, watching a lot of entertainment videos and i guess…generally escaping my reality. There is nothing wrong with that except, some things aligned very much, or made sense a little too much. I decided to stop watching any of it. To take a break. I know a little too much about the motives of others and its so contrived.

    i realise im just lonely right now..there is potential for me to feel better. i just kind of wish i could get more motivation to move, change and shake my life up..instead of waiting for things to change. i dont know why i have such apathy.

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