Tommy,

I am sorry to hear your are going through such a tough time. Relationships are hard work and it can be tricky at times to figure out what is the right thing to do. I applaud your efforts on what sounds like keeping the communication channels open and making sure you talk.

That being said, you shouldn’t be afraid of bringing up how you feel for fear it will turn into an argument. I have suffered from that as well and learned that it brings nothing but anger and resentment. Trust me, it is better to have brought it up and fought about it that explode about it later at inopportune moment. If it is something that is important to you, it might take more than one conversation/argument to get things moving. Don’t be afraid of conflict – but make sure to end it on a good note. If you are arguing and nothing is going anywhere, say “I love you and I really appreciate you listening to me. We don’t seem to be getting anywhere but I want to solve this with you. Let’s talk about it a little later when we both have had time to think”. Do this several times and see if it works for you.

On the issue of her pulling away, I believe that is totally natural. In relationships people love in a variety of ways. That is not a bad thing, it just shows that people love differently – some more passionately and express it all the time, some quietly and in a more reserved manner. It doesn’t mean you are loved less if you are the passionate and expressive one. It just means that you have different personalities and need to learn how to be in sync.

I would strongly urge you against proposing to her on NYE. It seems that what you both should be doing is slowly working on your communication, discovering what love languages you speak and how you can be a stronger couple. Your love for her scares her because she is afraid she can’t match it. You need to convince her that with work and commitment, you can both get on the same page where she will feel secure and stable in the relationship. She seems vulnerable right now, so I would wait before jumping into engagements – let her have time to get used to being with you again. Take things slow, make sure you initiate meaningful interactions every single day and take your relationship one day at a time. Don’t expect too much from her at once and also adjust your expectations on how this relationship is going to work.

Also, I don’t think her dating someone else is cheating or lying. You guys were not in a relationship so you both were free to date whomever. The fact that you chose not to doesn’t mean that she had to as well. Don’t blame her for dating someone else and not telling you – she clearly did not want to hurt you. You sound like a good person and a responsible partner. I would suggest working on this I mentioned above and see how it goes.