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Fear my long time girlfriend no longer loves me

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  • #41400
    Tommy
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    My name is Tommy and I’m very much in love with my girlfriend. Not sure she feels the same for me anymore.

    We have been together for 9 years, with a 2 year break in between. It’s been 4 months since we got back together. We originally broke up because she wanted to move forward in our relationship and I was depressed and in the ruts and not doing much with my life; namely financially. Though I wanted to move forward, I had it stuck in my head that I needed financial stability before doing so. Looking back, I wish I didn’t have that mentality and that I would have taken that step. In the 2 years we broke up, I was fighting the entire time to win her back, even though my financial situation didn’t change till most recently. I admit, I made mistakes in our relationship, namely not being responsible with my career, but I loved her with all my heart and still do.

    Over those 2 years, I tried to fix my life and remained loyal to her and refused to meet new women. I was lead to believe she was not meeting anyone either because she told me so. She would tell me she loved me and still wanted to be with me and this was the hope that kept me going and kept me fighting for her. We were on and off a few times in this span, but there never seemed to be 100% commitment to it from both sides at the same time. I later found out that she had been in an on/off relationship with someone for 10 months and she had been lying to me the entire time about it. I can’t emphasize enough how traumatic this was for me. I felt destroyed and my self-esteem and positive attitude destroyed with it (this was 1 year ago and I am still working on it today). I was angry at first, but after a day it all turned into pain and sadness. I still loved her though and so I said I could forgive the lies and just wanted to work things out. She didn’t fully commit to it and I sensed she wasn’t sure how she felt about me anymore.

    I spent the next 8 months giving her space and time to figure out what she wanted and again, I remained loyal. 4 months ago she came to me and said she still loved me and wanted to be with me and we have been seeing each other ever since. Things were amazing for a month, but then she pulled back as she had so many times over the last year. I’m admittedly insecure and have no confidence since hearing the news about her and the other guy and expressed this to her in the beginning and that I just needed her to have some patience with me as I work on it.

    I don’t know why she pulled back again. She says she still loves me, but she seems so emotionally distant to me many times. I’m very open about my feelings for her and wanting to move forward, but she doesn’t return the same affection to me anymore. It’s really frustrating that I can’t seem to connect to her anymore and the effort lately feels extremely lob sided. She will never tell me she loves me on her own, it’s always an ‘I love you too’ but her actions don’t seem to imply that. I’ve tried bringing it up numerous times, but it seems to turn into an argument and I don’t know why. She is clearly tired of talking about it, but I would stop if the problem was addressed.

    I love her very much and I believe when you find the one you want to be with, you do whatever it takes to be with them. Last week she cried and said how much I loved her was overwhelming. She said she was afraid she couldn’t return that same love to me. I took this as a bad thing, but she said it wasn’t. I don’t see how? Regardless, I appreciated her showing me some emotion.

    My plan was to fly her to Paris for NYE and propose, but she hasn’t committed to going and with the way she’s been acting, I doubt whether she still loves me even though she says she does. I really want to connect with her again. I want her to show me more affection and be more vocal about it just as she used to be, but I’m worried it will just turn into a fight if I bring it up. I would appreciate any feedback and if I am wrong somewhere, then please tell me. I’m afraid I’m losing her for good

    Thank you for reading.

    #41402
    Yuliya Guliya
    Participant

    Tommy,

    I am sorry to hear your are going through such a tough time. Relationships are hard work and it can be tricky at times to figure out what is the right thing to do. I applaud your efforts on what sounds like keeping the communication channels open and making sure you talk.

    That being said, you shouldn’t be afraid of bringing up how you feel for fear it will turn into an argument. I have suffered from that as well and learned that it brings nothing but anger and resentment. Trust me, it is better to have brought it up and fought about it that explode about it later at inopportune moment. If it is something that is important to you, it might take more than one conversation/argument to get things moving. Don’t be afraid of conflict – but make sure to end it on a good note. If you are arguing and nothing is going anywhere, say “I love you and I really appreciate you listening to me. We don’t seem to be getting anywhere but I want to solve this with you. Let’s talk about it a little later when we both have had time to think”. Do this several times and see if it works for you.

    On the issue of her pulling away, I believe that is totally natural. In relationships people love in a variety of ways. That is not a bad thing, it just shows that people love differently – some more passionately and express it all the time, some quietly and in a more reserved manner. It doesn’t mean you are loved less if you are the passionate and expressive one. It just means that you have different personalities and need to learn how to be in sync.

    I would strongly urge you against proposing to her on NYE. It seems that what you both should be doing is slowly working on your communication, discovering what love languages you speak and how you can be a stronger couple. Your love for her scares her because she is afraid she can’t match it. You need to convince her that with work and commitment, you can both get on the same page where she will feel secure and stable in the relationship. She seems vulnerable right now, so I would wait before jumping into engagements – let her have time to get used to being with you again. Take things slow, make sure you initiate meaningful interactions every single day and take your relationship one day at a time. Don’t expect too much from her at once and also adjust your expectations on how this relationship is going to work.

    Also, I don’t think her dating someone else is cheating or lying. You guys were not in a relationship so you both were free to date whomever. The fact that you chose not to doesn’t mean that she had to as well. Don’t blame her for dating someone else and not telling you – she clearly did not want to hurt you. You sound like a good person and a responsible partner. I would suggest working on this I mentioned above and see how it goes.

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