Forum Replies Created
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LupieOne,
I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. Although this may not have been the life you envisioned for yourself, do you think you can create a new vision for yourself. A new vision revolving around your present circumstances. For example, if you cannot conceive could you adopt, thus you still have the opportunity to be a mother. Can you work with your doctor(s) to prescribe you less medicine? Are there alternative treatments or life style changes you can make to help with your illness? Have you tried yoga or meditation or other calming techniques for your anxiety? About not having a partner. Have you taken the time to evaluate why your relationships aren’t long lasting? It takes two to tango. I kept thinking I was with the wrong men and realized there was a lot about myself that was wrong. The way I am in relationships needed changing. I had/have fears of deep intimacy, fear of abandonment, trust issues and fear of commitment. Write down the type of partner you want to be and the type of partner that you want. For example, not to be a perfect partner but I want to be a supportive partner or a fun partner or a trustworthy partner or compassionate. Work on building those traits within yourself.
Also I know you feel very lonely but don’t take your friend’s lack of time too personal. I know it is hurtful to not have them around all the time but try to be understanding. My sister, is currently staying with me and she has a toddler. I imagined we would be having some fun sister bonding time but every second revolves around her child because it has to. I didn’t realize how demanding child-rearing was until I actually experienced it first hand. I don’t want to be in her place. I used to feel bad for not having children since my sister who is younger has children and even my two older brothers. I am the only one without kids. I feel pressure from family but this just isn’t the time right now. I am in my late twenties and approaching thirty as well but really everything happens in its time. It is more important for me to work on my internal self so that when and if I do have children, I can be the loving mother I want to be. Also so that if and when I marry, I can be a loving partner.
Also the grass isn’t always greener. A lot of my settled down friends envy my lifestyle. Imagine having kids, a house, a husband and still feeling just as lonely as you do now. Many people do this. They think a family would fix things and they find themselves worse than before. Join a lupus group for support, hang more with single friends and check out new (free) things to do where you can meet potential partners. Maybe a meditation group. Then you can find a mindful man. Heck, get a new job and move to a different city or country. Teach English abroad for a year. The road is wide open for you. Take this time to really focus on yourself and loving yourself.
Here is a quote for you; “Your task is not to seek for love but to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi
Here is a Ted Talk that really motivated me to do some heavy internal work:
THIS IS A REALLY GOOD ARTICLE ON TINY BUDDHA ABOUT NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-you-dont-get-what-you-want-something-better-may-be-coming/
Warmest Regards,
Zenhen
Alexa,
If you can’t afford the house, have you considered roommates?
Also have you considered a second job for another source of income?
“I’m in a relationship with a nice man. He’s very kind and is trying to help me but I don’t want to turn him into my therapist.”
I completely agree with you especially since this is a beginning relationship. Honestly, it sounds like you may need some down time to focus on you and to focus on what you can learn from the experience with your ex. Also if you need a therapist, have you considered seeing one or attending free group therapy (if you can’t afford one)? Also some people aren’t aware that some insurance programs cover mental health.
Can the degrees you already have help you find a new career, one that pays more?
It seems like you have a lot of tough questions to ask yourself in order to find direction. As Matt suggested, once you have clarity then you can go forward.
It also sounds like the real issue may be feeling like you aren’t good enough thus you continue to handicap yourself. It may be that you are clinging to this belief and if you were to succeed then it would debunk your belief. Thus if you want to continuing believing you aren’t good enough then you have to do things to support that belief such as “failing”. If you believe and feel that you are good, basically good, good as you are not good enough, then maybe you will take actions to support that belief.
Here is a quote for you: “I must let go of what I am in order to become what I might be” Lao Tzu
Sending you my warmest regards and a little light for your journey,
Zenhen
Niraj,
Dig deep and even deeper about what your real concern is. We all at some point or another worry about what people think of us. Don’t try to stop it but entertain it for a bit and you will see just how silly it is. For example, if I worry people will think I am incompetent. Then I say to myself, John whom I really like thinks I am incompetent, this must be true. If he thinks I am incompetent, does this mean I am unimportant? Does this mean I am a failure? And what if I am a failure and unimportant? Then what? Does this make me unlovable or unlikable? And what if I am unlovable or unlikable? Well, then I might be lonely? And if I am lonely then what? If no one is around does this mean I cease to exist? Will this be the death of me? No. If I don’t have approval, validation, or love from others, will this be the end of me? No.
Often times, we worry about what others think of us because deep down inside we just want approval and even deeper we just want love. We let the external world define our internal world. Funny, how the people we worry about the most are the ones we aren’t even that close to. It’s even funnier to think that if most of us are running around worried about what others think of us, then no one really has time to pass judgments on others. I noticed that I inserted thoughts I already had about myself into others people’s mind. These were my ill perceptions about myself not theirs. I am the one who thinks I am incompetent not John. We are our own worst critics, remember that.
In our culture, we are dying to be liked. Just look at all of these people begging via cyber space to be liked via status updates or like my website or like this or like that. It is almost as if our survival depended upon it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Try not to worry about people’s negative criticism or positive statements. Sometimes we can cling to the positive statements or attention that people say or give in order to find self worth and validation. So either way, good or bad, no need to worry about what others think. Put your energy elsewhere such as in caring about what you think about yourself. And if you don’t like what you think or how you feel about yourself work on transforming that. You are a pretty brave person. For someone so worried about what other’s think, you still had the courage to start this thread with the risk of getting negative criticism.
Warm Regards and Namaste,
Zenhen
Matt,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I feel extremely relieved and reassured knowing that I am not alone. Last night, I looked up Ajahn Jayasaro’s metta meditation. You were right, it is amazing. I went to sleep so soundly. Since I first posted this, my feelings of anger, hurt and fear have subsided. They have slowly been transforming into compassion and understanding for my self, my experience and my abusers. I love how energy can slide back and forth like that. I still don’t know what I will do tomorrow, to go or to not go, but regardless of my decision I will be at peace. The potential encounter was what prompted me to write this post and some incredibly great things have come of it. Things are getting harder yet easier at the same time.
I think because I am an ENFP, I am acutely aware and perceptive of the undercurrents within myself and others. This is a mixed blessing. I know what I see but don’t know what to do with what I see. You pointed that out clearly. I am slowly acquiring the wisdom and discernment to know what to do with those perceptions and findings. I am so thrilled that you recommended the Pema Chodron book to me. In January I went to a nearby Shambhala center for about two weeks. I even attended a weekend meditation seminar with Judith Simmer-Brown. I saw that book on the shelf and scanned through it. I put it back down though. I said I would go back and get it later but didn’t. I actually never went back because the meditation was a trigger for all of the memories. I had forgotten about that book but will go back and get it : ). Hopefully soon what seems like fire breathing dragons will become gnats!
” The heart has too much love in it to let anything stop its pouring for long. Know what I mean?” I do know what you mean. My initial reaction (and honestly I think that of most) is to love but things get in the way. I am learning to remove them!
Thank you so much for all of your kind words and warmth!
Sending Lots of Love,
Zenhen
LisaS,
Cooking, dressing nice, entertaining guest,etc, do not make you a woman. I hate how we use these restricting, limiting, shallow traits to define what it means to be a woman or man. If you are a tom boy then be one. This doesn’t make you gay. Remember there are “lipstick” lesbians. By the way I love getting clothes from Target and goodwill. I find that if people try too hard to fit these molds of being a man or woman, then they cease to be. We should just focus on what it means to be..not what it means to be x,y,z. Have you ever met a woman so “feminine” that it made you want to vomit or a man so “macho” that it was off putting? That is because these people weren’t being authentic.
Also understand that our society is highly extrovert. Some societies actually view extroverts as annoying like some Asian and European cultures. Only about 30% of Americans are introvert. Be okay with being an introvert and learn the right balance for you. I am an ENFP, the most introvert of extroverts. I am highly attracted to introverts. I find them mysterious and deep. Many introverts don’t like talking because they tire of talking about mundane, boring crap and want to talk about things that really matter. For this reason, I find introverts to be more stimulating to me. Below are some links that will help you embrace your introvert nature. Please start pleasing yourself. Your husband was seeing you as a wife not a person, not a human being. You aren’t a disappointment as a person.
http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/29/introvert-myths_n_3569058.html
http://zendotstudio.blogspot.com/2012/11/bidding-for-good-and-embracing-your.html
Much Love,
Zenhen
TO KRISTIN, AMELIE AND MATT ( IN THAT ORDER)
Kristin,
I am glad that my post was timely for both you and Amelie. As you all may have experienced and as Matt has commented on, secrecy is a major part of the abuse. I was really torn about whether I should openly talk about this. Even under a pseudo name it was extremely difficult to post. I almost thought about deleting it afterwards. When I first starting speaking of my abuse I spoke in third person as if it happened to someone else. I am glad that you were brave enough to speak up and that through our stories, experiences and kind words we can help each other heal.
Amelie,
I am incredibly proud of you for speaking up. I am sorry that your close friend/mother figure doubted you. I know how hurtful this can be. You know what is true for you and in your heart. I will keep this meditation in mind. As I am now rediscovering this pain and anger, I think it is too early for me to do the forgiveness meditation. I feel that I must purge first and shed this old skin. I am close to forgiveness though, I can feel it and first I have to forgive myself for a lot, mainly for being so harsh to myself. I have been doing the meditation though for other people in my life, even my pets when they have an accident = ).
Luckily I never felt pleasure from the abuse. I did however see it as a form of love since it was the only type of affection and attention I received. So because of this I have made the ill interpretation that if a guy doesn’t want to sex me up 24/7 he doesn’t love me. However, when I am with men who physically want me all the time I just feel used and kinda disgusted. So now I have a relationship where my boyfriend has a low sex drive and some ED issues, it makes me feel safe in a way. I don’t worry about being used and abused but then I struggle with feeling unloved. Weird how this abuse creates all of this conflicting emotions. I am trying to sort them out now. I hope that you too find healing.
Matt,
“our root chakra was thrown out of whack and we slipped into states of craving and aversion. With the bottom half of our energy vibrating, so was the top half. The guilt is just a result… an empty feeling or residue from the out of balance root.”
You really opened my eyes to a part of me which I just assumed was natural. I feel like I am constantly craving not just one thing but many. I didn’t realize that there was a correlation or that my root chakra might be out of whack, thus causing this craving nature. Funny thing is I could never truly pinpoint what I was craving so I went after them all never truly feeling satisfied. Many times I am ridden by guilt and shame. You really give me hope for healing. At times I think I will always be broken, scarred, wounded no matter what I do but after hearing you I see I don’t really have to be. Thanks again!
AMELIE, KIRSTEN AND MATT,
Here are some questions for all of you. I am trying to figure out what is “normal” or not and exactly what feelings are contributed to my abuse. I would like to know if you all had the same feelings and experiences and how you deal or dealt with them.
1. I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like I am not real sometimes. I read this is disassociation. How can I wake up?
2. Every now and then I can randomly feel my genitals tingle and I can’t discern if I am aroused or not. Is this just old pain trapped in that region? Or am I aroused? Or do I just feel uncomfortable with feeling aroused that I want to call it something else? It’s almost like I don’t know if I am aroused unless I am with someone else.
3. Is it hard to read/feel your body? Doing yoga has made me realize I have little body awareness. Really I was stuck in my mind. How do I reunite my body with mind and with heart?
4. Sexual desire is bad and I want sex badly. (On top of the sexual abuse, I grew up with this religious message). Do you have this saint/sinner complex? Also I am turned on by taboo sex. Sometimes I feel this makes me a pervert and wonder if my sexual abuse is the reason these things arouse me.
5. Does your nonsexual desires and needs make you feel guilty? I feel undeserving of good things many times.
6. Do you feel like people just want to use you? Do you have a hard time saying no?
7. I feel like I am a bad person or that there is something secretly wrong with me. Do you ever feel this way?
8. Do you ever worry that you might abuse someone else? I read that people who abuse were abused and can’t get this out of my head, even though I haven’t even come close to it. I would never want anyone to experience what I did.
9. When you see children with adults in physical contact do you feel uncomfortable? For me particularly with little girls and their dads, uncles, male figures, for example, tickling on the floor or hanging/sitting loosely on laps, or kisses on the mouth. It makes me really sad that I can’t simply see that as affection. It makes me acutely aware of how my perception is warped due to the abuse. Also I wish I could have experienced such physical closeness as a child without fear of abuse. Tickle fights lead to abuse, sitting on laps lead to abuse, etc. How do I erase this? How do I rid myself of these suspicions? Not every man is an abuser. (I know women can abuse too but that wasn’t the case for me).
10. Is it hard to trust? Are you frequently afraid that others will harm you? Not just people but even things. For example, I rock climb and even have a hard time trusting the equipment. When I posted this, I was almost certain I would get negative feedback. Even though logically I know it would not be the case since everyone on this forum is kind and interested in helping others.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Also please feel free to add any other feelings or experiences. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.