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Zenhen

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 52 total)
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  • in reply to: What is the secret to change? #40557
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Matt,

    “impatience is just agitation, ripples in the mind that are painful.”

    I never thought of impatience that way. In some ways I felt prideful that I was an impatient person. That meant I was a go-getter, doer, action taker, etc. Works well in the work realm. However, I realize I need to acquire patience, especially in my spiritual practices. The old does act like a fuel at times. I just have to be careful not to obsess about it. Acknowledge the old but focus on the now and where I want to be (without obsessing about the future either). Such a fine balance.

    In regards to self nurturing and the salve, I really need to learn how to do this more. It feels odd or different or even wrong at times. Ironically, I love nurturing others but find it difficult to do the same for myself. I fret over others, remind others of appointments, inquire about their new activities, offer help, guidance, food, etc. At times, I want someone to just take care of me and nurture me too but I realize I really need to do this for myself.

    Thanks for your insight Matt!

    Namaste,

    Zenhen

    in reply to: Struggling to stay positive #40434
    Zenhen
    Participant

    LupieOne,

    Please seek help for your suicidal thoughts. Here is some helplines for the UK

    http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

    Home

    Please get help!

    Zenhen

    in reply to: What is the secret to change? #40428
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Kaya,

    Thanks for sharing your experience! I am glad you decided to make changes. From your post I can tell you have moved far from the depression/anxious state of mind. I can see your hope and your determination. Way to go!

    These words really stuck with me: “Sometimes I feel that I will be stuck in this transition phase forever, because it feels like it will never end, and has been very painful.”

    I am highly impatient and really I have learned not to fight it but just laugh at it. I am finally getting professional help with healing from past abuse and my therapist told me to slowwwww down. Not everything has solutions or can be solved. I just wanted answers, fixes, solutions. I didn’t want to dive deep into the gray, into the unknown. I am learning to enjoy, who am I kidding, tolerate this transition. Because I have tried to rush the process, I have only delayed myself more. It’s kinda like when you rush in the morning because you woke up late and you end up spilling the coffee on yourself, then you have to change your clothes or you drive fast just to be stuck in traffic. I realized the reason I didn’t like waiting or being patient is because I am a doer. Patience is passive. I needed action, I needed to see something happening now. But like all of creation, it happens in the dark. Such as is the case with conception. Sperm meets egg in the dark. During these changes we are like an embryo in a dark womb. With time we will and can give birth to our new selves. In the meantime, lets just celebrate all of the small developments along the way!

    Namaste,

    Zenhen

    in reply to: Struggling to stay positive #40423
    Zenhen
    Participant

    LupieOne,

    I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. Although this may not have been the life you envisioned for yourself, do you think you can create a new vision for yourself. A new vision revolving around your present circumstances. For example, if you cannot conceive could you adopt, thus you still have the opportunity to be a mother. Can you work with your doctor(s) to prescribe you less medicine? Are there alternative treatments or life style changes you can make to help with your illness? Have you tried yoga or meditation or other calming techniques for your anxiety? About not having a partner. Have you taken the time to evaluate why your relationships aren’t long lasting? It takes two to tango. I kept thinking I was with the wrong men and realized there was a lot about myself that was wrong. The way I am in relationships needed changing. I had/have fears of deep intimacy, fear of abandonment, trust issues and fear of commitment. Write down the type of partner you want to be and the type of partner that you want. For example, not to be a perfect partner but I want to be a supportive partner or a fun partner or a trustworthy partner or compassionate. Work on building those traits within yourself.

    Also I know you feel very lonely but don’t take your friend’s lack of time too personal. I know it is hurtful to not have them around all the time but try to be understanding. My sister, is currently staying with me and she has a toddler. I imagined we would be having some fun sister bonding time but every second revolves around her child because it has to. I didn’t realize how demanding child-rearing was until I actually experienced it first hand. I don’t want to be in her place. I used to feel bad for not having children since my sister who is younger has children and even my two older brothers. I am the only one without kids. I feel pressure from family but this just isn’t the time right now. I am in my late twenties and approaching thirty as well but really everything happens in its time. It is more important for me to work on my internal self so that when and if I do have children, I can be the loving mother I want to be. Also so that if and when I marry, I can be a loving partner.

    Also the grass isn’t always greener. A lot of my settled down friends envy my lifestyle. Imagine having kids, a house, a husband and still feeling just as lonely as you do now. Many people do this. They think a family would fix things and they find themselves worse than before. Join a lupus group for support, hang more with single friends and check out new (free) things to do where you can meet potential partners. Maybe a meditation group. Then you can find a mindful man. Heck, get a new job and move to a different city or country. Teach English abroad for a year. The road is wide open for you. Take this time to really focus on yourself and loving yourself.

    Here is a quote for you; “Your task is not to seek for love but to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi

    Here is a Ted Talk that really motivated me to do some heavy internal work:

    THIS IS A REALLY GOOD ARTICLE ON TINY BUDDHA ABOUT NOT GETTING WHAT YOU WANT: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-you-dont-get-what-you-want-something-better-may-be-coming/

    Warmest Regards,

    Zenhen

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zenhen.
    in reply to: help, i'm scared of my marriage #40375
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Blhlh,

    I read your post earlier but as many people had already given helpful responses, I chose not to reply. However, I was reading some online news articles and the sidebar contained a report about a Texas man who commits suicide one hour after his wife gives birth. It reminded me of your story. Hopefully this will serve as a wake up call to you and prompt you to get help and or get out of your situation. He has ultimate control over his life and his decisions. You cannot be held accountable for any of his choices. Below is the article:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2391397/Michael-Nobles-killed-Texas-hospital-maternity-ward-1-hour-wife-gave-birth.html

    Warmest Regards,

    Zenhen

    in reply to: Is it me? #40369
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Hopeful,

    I recently had to remove myself from a girlfriend just like yours. She was rude with everyone including me at times. She didn’t respect the time I gave to listen to her and demanded more. She never listened to me vent or complain. If I started to, the topic would quickly turn back on her or all of a sudden she had to end the conversation. Although I went out of my way for her often, she only did the same out of convenience and just enough times so that the relationship could survive. She didn’t respect boundaries.I just felt so emotionally drained around her because she was so negative all the time. Her energy began to wear off on me. Other things happened too, which is way too much to go into detail about.

    I finally decided to cut her out when I began my healing process from a narcissistic mom and prior abuse. I couldn’t focus on healing myself and attending to her every need at the same time. She too wasn’t supportive of my decision to heal. Things didn’t get easy. They got nasty. Luckily, not as nasty as your “friend” but still nasty. Guilt trips as to why I don’t make time for her and mean text messages. We have mutual friends so it was very hard to avoid her. Most of us keep her at a distance and a few have cut her out completely. I was the only person she really had left from the group. So this hurt her and she let me know via text message. (I stopped taking her calls). She stated she knows she can be rude, unpredictable and moody but this was no reason to exclude her. I simply apologized for her feeling hurt, stated that my intention was not to hurt her and that I wished her the best. I haven’t talked to her since then. It’s been about a month. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. At the same time, there is sadness because we were friends for 6 years. However, I know this is best. I learned three important things from our friendship:

    1. All things are temporary

    2. Listen to your intuition. When I first met her, I didn’t like her because of the way she treated other people. When picking friends or a partner, if they are rude to everyone one but you, know that eventually they will treat you the same. So watch how people treat others.

    3. Be firm yet gentle. I am learning to set boundaries and to be firm yet gentle at the same. I was going to extremes. Setting no boundaries then being hurt by people walking over me. Or right off the bat setting firm boundaries without even giving people a chance, just out of fear that they might cross them.

    You have the right just as anyone else to feel upset or even angry about the way others treat you and to voice that. Don’t let anyone shame you or make you feel guilty. Also don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself and bringing good things into your life. You deserve it, especially after spending so much time on others.

    Someone on this site shared this link with me. I was surprised that this classification fit perfectly with both my mother and former friend. You might already know about it but I hope this helps: http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder.html

    Sending you much love,

    Zenhen

    in reply to: I'm a failure #40363
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Alexa,

    If you can’t afford the house, have you considered roommates?

    Also have you considered a second job for another source of income?

    “I’m in a relationship with a nice man. He’s very kind and is trying to help me but I don’t want to turn him into my therapist.”

    I completely agree with you especially since this is a beginning relationship. Honestly, it sounds like you may need some down time to focus on you and to focus on what you can learn from the experience with your ex. Also if you need a therapist, have you considered seeing one or attending free group therapy (if you can’t afford one)? Also some people aren’t aware that some insurance programs cover mental health.

    Can the degrees you already have help you find a new career, one that pays more?

    It seems like you have a lot of tough questions to ask yourself in order to find direction. As Matt suggested, once you have clarity then you can go forward.

    It also sounds like the real issue may be feeling like you aren’t good enough thus you continue to handicap yourself. It may be that you are clinging to this belief and if you were to succeed then it would debunk your belief. Thus if you want to continuing believing you aren’t good enough then you have to do things to support that belief such as “failing”. If you believe and feel that you are good, basically good, good as you are not good enough, then maybe you will take actions to support that belief.

    Here is a quote for you: “I must let go of what I am in order to become what I might be” Lao Tzu

    Sending you my warmest regards and a little light for your journey,

    Zenhen

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zenhen.
    in reply to: Fear of 'what people will say' #40359
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Niraj,

    Dig deep and even deeper about what your real concern is. We all at some point or another worry about what people think of us. Don’t try to stop it but entertain it for a bit and you will see just how silly it is. For example, if I worry people will think I am incompetent. Then I say to myself, John whom I really like thinks I am incompetent, this must be true. If he thinks I am incompetent, does this mean I am unimportant? Does this mean I am a failure? And what if I am a failure and unimportant? Then what? Does this make me unlovable or unlikable? And what if I am unlovable or unlikable? Well, then I might be lonely? And if I am lonely then what? If no one is around does this mean I cease to exist? Will this be the death of me? No. If I don’t have approval, validation, or love from others, will this be the end of me? No.

    Often times, we worry about what others think of us because deep down inside we just want approval and even deeper we just want love. We let the external world define our internal world. Funny, how the people we worry about the most are the ones we aren’t even that close to. It’s even funnier to think that if most of us are running around worried about what others think of us, then no one really has time to pass judgments on others. I noticed that I inserted thoughts I already had about myself into others people’s mind. These were my ill perceptions about myself not theirs. I am the one who thinks I am incompetent not John. We are our own worst critics, remember that.

    In our culture, we are dying to be liked. Just look at all of these people begging via cyber space to be liked via status updates or like my website or like this or like that. It is almost as if our survival depended upon it. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Try not to worry about people’s negative criticism or positive statements. Sometimes we can cling to the positive statements or attention that people say or give in order to find self worth and validation. So either way, good or bad, no need to worry about what others think. Put your energy elsewhere such as in caring about what you think about yourself. And if you don’t like what you think or how you feel about yourself work on transforming that. You are a pretty brave person. For someone so worried about what other’s think, you still had the courage to start this thread with the risk of getting negative criticism.

    Warm Regards and Namaste,

    Zenhen

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zenhen.
    in reply to: Attachment, Relationships, and Misconceived Buddhism #40257
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Anil,

    I too was uncomfortable with this notion of non attachment. In a way, I felt like it was a cop out. It is easy to be peaceful, compassionate and kind when no one is around. lol. I really like the way you framed this notion in a Western point of view. Some people non attach in an equally unhealthy way as those who insecurely attach. For example, someone who is afraid of being hurt or who has a hard time trusting, etc. Then they are non attaching out of fear, which defeats the purpose. Attaching without clinging is the key, thus one can attach without pain. If a relationship were to end, yeah one would feel sad and even hurt but one wouldn’t be addicted to that heartbreak feeling, causing themselves unnecessary pain. It wouldn’t be a tragic ending. It’s all about finding the balance.

    Thanks for sharing!

    in reply to: How can I ever forgive my past abusers? #40063
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Marilyn,

    Thank you for your words of encouragement. I am inspired to know that you were able to forgive and let go. I am working towards that. Now more than ever I see healing myself and letting go as a tangible possibility or should I say reality. Once, while feeling some pain stir up inside of me, I saw an image flash in my head of me carrying a carcass of my wounded child self on my back. At that time it felt like a burden. I wondered how long would I go carrying this dead child. Now I can see myself holding that carcass lovingly and finding a proper resting place for her. I don’t want to bury that carcass the way I did before. I found shallow burial grounds, thus she always came back up. I suppressed her and her voice and her pain and didn’t want to hear her story. Now, I can bury her and honor her, place her on a high peak in the Andes of my heart. Now through this healing she can rest in peace.

    Strangely enough, during this healing process I have had dreams of caring after a baby girl. It took a while to realize this was really about taking care of my self. I hope you take care too! Thanks once again!

    With Love,

    Zenhen

    in reply to: How can I ever forgive my past abusers? #40043
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Matt,

    Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I feel extremely relieved and reassured knowing that I am not alone. Last night, I looked up Ajahn Jayasaro’s metta meditation. You were right, it is amazing. I went to sleep so soundly. Since I first posted this, my feelings of anger, hurt and fear have subsided. They have slowly been transforming into compassion and understanding for my self, my experience and my abusers. I love how energy can slide back and forth like that. I still don’t know what I will do tomorrow, to go or to not go, but regardless of my decision I will be at peace. The potential encounter was what prompted me to write this post and some incredibly great things have come of it. Things are getting harder yet easier at the same time.

    I think because I am an ENFP, I am acutely aware and perceptive of the undercurrents within myself and others. This is a mixed blessing. I know what I see but don’t know what to do with what I see. You pointed that out clearly. I am slowly acquiring the wisdom and discernment to know what to do with those perceptions and findings. I am so thrilled that you recommended the Pema Chodron book to me. In January I went to a nearby Shambhala center for about two weeks. I even attended a weekend meditation seminar with Judith Simmer-Brown. I saw that book on the shelf and scanned through it. I put it back down though. I said I would go back and get it later but didn’t. I actually never went back because the meditation was a trigger for all of the memories. I had forgotten about that book but will go back and get it : ). Hopefully soon what seems like fire breathing dragons will become gnats!

    ” The heart has too much love in it to let anything stop its pouring for long. Know what I mean?” I do know what you mean. My initial reaction (and honestly I think that of most) is to love but things get in the way. I am learning to remove them!

    Thank you so much for all of your kind words and warmth!

    Sending Lots of Love,

    Zenhen

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zenhen.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zenhen.
    in reply to: Overcoming Low Self-Worth #40000
    Zenhen
    Participant

    LisaS,

    Cooking, dressing nice, entertaining guest,etc, do not make you a woman. I hate how we use these restricting, limiting, shallow traits to define what it means to be a woman or man. If you are a tom boy then be one. This doesn’t make you gay. Remember there are “lipstick” lesbians. By the way I love getting clothes from Target and goodwill. I find that if people try too hard to fit these molds of being a man or woman, then they cease to be. We should just focus on what it means to be..not what it means to be x,y,z. Have you ever met a woman so “feminine” that it made you want to vomit or a man so “macho” that it was off putting? That is because these people weren’t being authentic.

    Also understand that our society is highly extrovert. Some societies actually view extroverts as annoying like some Asian and European cultures. Only about 30% of Americans are introvert. Be okay with being an introvert and learn the right balance for you. I am an ENFP, the most introvert of extroverts. I am highly attracted to introverts. I find them mysterious and deep. Many introverts don’t like talking because they tire of talking about mundane, boring crap and want to talk about things that really matter. For this reason, I find introverts to be more stimulating to me. Below are some links that will help you embrace your introvert nature. Please start pleasing yourself. Your husband was seeing you as a wife not a person, not a human being. You aren’t a disappointment as a person.

    http://introverts.net/

    http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/29/introvert-myths_n_3569058.html

    http://zendotstudio.blogspot.com/2012/11/bidding-for-good-and-embracing-your.html

    Much Love,

    Zenhen

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zenhen.
    in reply to: For reasons unexplained… #39999
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Hahaha! I love this John. I really don’t need to fill myself now do I!

    in reply to: How can I ever forgive my past abusers? #39994
    Zenhen
    Participant

    TO KRISTIN, AMELIE AND MATT ( IN THAT ORDER)

    Kristin,

    I am glad that my post was timely for both you and Amelie. As you all may have experienced and as Matt has commented on, secrecy is a major part of the abuse. I was really torn about whether I should openly talk about this. Even under a pseudo name it was extremely difficult to post. I almost thought about deleting it afterwards. When I first starting speaking of my abuse I spoke in third person as if it happened to someone else. I am glad that you were brave enough to speak up and that through our stories, experiences and kind words we can help each other heal.

    Amelie,

    I am incredibly proud of you for speaking up. I am sorry that your close friend/mother figure doubted you. I know how hurtful this can be. You know what is true for you and in your heart. I will keep this meditation in mind. As I am now rediscovering this pain and anger, I think it is too early for me to do the forgiveness meditation. I feel that I must purge first and shed this old skin. I am close to forgiveness though, I can feel it and first I have to forgive myself for a lot, mainly for being so harsh to myself. I have been doing the meditation though for other people in my life, even my pets when they have an accident = ).

    Luckily I never felt pleasure from the abuse. I did however see it as a form of love since it was the only type of affection and attention I received. So because of this I have made the ill interpretation that if a guy doesn’t want to sex me up 24/7 he doesn’t love me. However, when I am with men who physically want me all the time I just feel used and kinda disgusted. So now I have a relationship where my boyfriend has a low sex drive and some ED issues, it makes me feel safe in a way. I don’t worry about being used and abused but then I struggle with feeling unloved. Weird how this abuse creates all of this conflicting emotions. I am trying to sort them out now. I hope that you too find healing.

    Matt,

    “our root chakra was thrown out of whack and we slipped into states of craving and aversion. With the bottom half of our energy vibrating, so was the top half. The guilt is just a result… an empty feeling or residue from the out of balance root.”

    You really opened my eyes to a part of me which I just assumed was natural. I feel like I am constantly craving not just one thing but many. I didn’t realize that there was a correlation or that my root chakra might be out of whack, thus causing this craving nature. Funny thing is I could never truly pinpoint what I was craving so I went after them all never truly feeling satisfied. Many times I am ridden by guilt and shame. You really give me hope for healing. At times I think I will always be broken, scarred, wounded no matter what I do but after hearing you I see I don’t really have to be. Thanks again!

    AMELIE, KIRSTEN AND MATT,

    Here are some questions for all of you. I am trying to figure out what is “normal” or not and exactly what feelings are contributed to my abuse. I would like to know if you all had the same feelings and experiences and how you deal or dealt with them.

    1. I feel like I am in a fog. I feel like I am not real sometimes. I read this is disassociation. How can I wake up?

    2. Every now and then I can randomly feel my genitals tingle and I can’t discern if I am aroused or not. Is this just old pain trapped in that region? Or am I aroused? Or do I just feel uncomfortable with feeling aroused that I want to call it something else? It’s almost like I don’t know if I am aroused unless I am with someone else.

    3. Is it hard to read/feel your body? Doing yoga has made me realize I have little body awareness. Really I was stuck in my mind. How do I reunite my body with mind and with heart?

    4. Sexual desire is bad and I want sex badly. (On top of the sexual abuse, I grew up with this religious message). Do you have this saint/sinner complex? Also I am turned on by taboo sex. Sometimes I feel this makes me a pervert and wonder if my sexual abuse is the reason these things arouse me.

    5. Does your nonsexual desires and needs make you feel guilty? I feel undeserving of good things many times.

    6. Do you feel like people just want to use you? Do you have a hard time saying no?

    7. I feel like I am a bad person or that there is something secretly wrong with me. Do you ever feel this way?

    8. Do you ever worry that you might abuse someone else? I read that people who abuse were abused and can’t get this out of my head, even though I haven’t even come close to it. I would never want anyone to experience what I did.

    9. When you see children with adults in physical contact do you feel uncomfortable? For me particularly with little girls and their dads, uncles, male figures, for example, tickling on the floor or hanging/sitting loosely on laps, or kisses on the mouth. It makes me really sad that I can’t simply see that as affection. It makes me acutely aware of how my perception is warped due to the abuse. Also I wish I could have experienced such physical closeness as a child without fear of abuse. Tickle fights lead to abuse, sitting on laps lead to abuse, etc. How do I erase this? How do I rid myself of these suspicions? Not every man is an abuser. (I know women can abuse too but that wasn’t the case for me).

    10. Is it hard to trust? Are you frequently afraid that others will harm you? Not just people but even things. For example, I rock climb and even have a hard time trusting the equipment. When I posted this, I was almost certain I would get negative feedback. Even though logically I know it would not be the case since everyone on this forum is kind and interested in helping others.

    Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Also please feel free to add any other feelings or experiences. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by Zenhen.
    in reply to: Jealousy #39985
    Zenhen
    Participant

    Katherine,

    I feel you %100. Our backgrounds are very similar. My family ask me for money and my sister and her baby will be moving in with me this month (rent free). I grew up poor but had rich friends and partners from well to do families. I realized that the grass wasn’t always greener. A rich friend I always envied, her mother was suicidal and in and out of mental institutions. Rich people have the same issues and sometimes even worst issues than we do.

    Once, I got mad at a roommate when she said we should be grateful that our middle class families could put us through college. I was flabbergasted because she had known me for six years and didn’t even realize that I had to put myself through college. She just assumed everyone lived like her. When I got to the root of my envy, it really had to do with feelings of inferiority and lacking. What I really wanted wasn’t financial support from my family but just flat out support. It’s one thing to be poor and have the love and support of family but another thing to be poor and have zero emotional support.

    I started to focus more on what I had rather than what I didn’t have. Growing up in poverty and adversity gave me resilience and determination. I learned that my greatest form of freedom came from financial independence. Try to learn to be grateful for your struggles. Also be thankful that your boyfriend didn’t have to go through the same struggles. I am sure he had and has other struggles that he had to endure. Also know that money isn’t really ever free. The money his parents give him comes with strings attached. I am sure they love him but more than likely the money may be a source of control and a way of keeping him dependent. If you feel that working while obtaining your Phd is overwhelming, ask him for help. Since you live together maybe he can pay %75 and you pay for %25.

    I am very proud of your accomplishments and admire your strong will. Please don’t waste energy on envy, it only poisons you. You have more inside and out than you will ever know! The fact that you want to heal people and help them recover rather than fill your pockets with avarice stained bills, shows that you are rich in spirit. Money doesn’t matter much because we all die empty handed.

    Here is a Ted Talk by Mark Boyle (The Moneyless Man)…He lived without money for two years due to ethical reasons and the severe adverse effects that consumerism has on people and the environment:

    Much Love,

    Zenhen

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