August 13, 2013 at 9:48 am #40349
I don’t even know where to start. I will try to keep this short.
I am getting out a marriage that went badly. I trusted him to help me with bills. That never happened. I had to take out 2 loans in order to pay my electric bill. My soon to be ex told me he would pay and he never did and now I’m back where I started from. All of this took 3 short months. I may get shut off at any time. I may have to move as with my current income I don’t think I can afford to keep the house. My father helped me get the house and now that I’m alone i don’t think I can afford it. I feel like I have failed at everything in my life. I couldn’t finish nursing school as i ran out of money. I cant get financial aid as I already have 2 bachelor degrees. I have a job as an emt. It’s something.
I’m in a relationship with a nice man. He’s very kind and is trying to help me but I don’t to turn him into my therapist.
I just feel like I’m never enough and I’m not good enough at anything to make a success of it.August 13, 2013 at 10:19 am #40354
Oh but you are enough! You are a human and so you are limited to the core so it is so easy to think or believe that you are not enough but what you have are the same deficiencies and weaknesses that the rest of humanity deal with their whole life. You are not alone. We are all limited. We are all “failures” in some way or another.
The subject of your post, “I’m a failure” – this is a message that you are sending yourself, do you realize this? This is not scientific, concrete fact. It is a message, it is something that you are telling yourself. It’s completely made up! Even though it seems to be rooted in fact it is in fact not! You could just as easily send yourself the message, “I am a bowl of orange jello” and it would be just as true. Your marriage failed, you trusted someone who turned out to be untrustworthy, you do not have enough to pay the bills, and you were not able to finish nursing school due to not having enough money. Dear – these are not failures! These are your present circumstances. Labeling yourself a “failure” is something extra – you added it on top of everything else! And this label – ask yourself – is it helping you? Does it make you feel empowered? Does it make things easier?
It’s interesting timing that you post this because just last night I was not able to sleep because I was up thinking about all the things that I needed to do. I need to fix my car, I need to mow the lawn otherwise the city is going to fine us for having uncontrolled weeds (already happened once – $200!), I have all these other expenses that I need to figure out, all these other people I have to call, my future to plan out, my future to face. I just kept spinning that over and over in my head and I was not able to fall asleep until I got up and said, OK! What is going on here? And after about 10 minutes of silent awareness it hit me…”oh…I don’t think I’m good enough!” I think that I am failing at all my responsibilities. I think that I am deficient somehow! And so I began to send myself the message, “I am enough, I am enough” It’s a quick fix but it worked. I turned toward myself with a feeling of lovingkindness and compassion and I wished myself peace and offered myself the thought, “I am enough”. And soon those “problems” no longer seemed so gigantic. The Buddha once suggested the strategy of “knocking out a rotted peg with a new one”. Meaning that if one thought is not working for you – send yourself the contrary thought – send yourself the thought that is opposite to how you feel. If you feel like a failure and continue to tell yourself that you are a failure – send yourself the message, “I am human, I am doing my best, my best is good enough. I am good enough” See how quickly a thought like that acts as a balm. You can do it through effort. You won’t be able to resolve all of these painful, hard, difficult life circumstances right away but you can start to feel better right away! And then you can face these circumstances with a new found freshness and resolve!
You are enough. If I am enough then you are enough. All humans are limited. We are all limited – and that is still enough to be human.
-J.D.August 13, 2013 at 10:47 am #40357
I’m sorry for the difficulties and painful feelings. Your post left a clear picture of where you think and feel you are, but where do you want to go? What are you looking for?
Inside our minds, knowing those answers can help us aim. You in moving forward, and us in helping.
MattAugust 13, 2013 at 11:36 am #40363
If you can’t afford the house, have you considered roommates?
Also have you considered a second job for another source of income?
“I’m in a relationship with a nice man. He’s very kind and is trying to help me but I don’t want to turn him into my therapist.”
I completely agree with you especially since this is a beginning relationship. Honestly, it sounds like you may need some down time to focus on you and to focus on what you can learn from the experience with your ex. Also if you need a therapist, have you considered seeing one or attending free group therapy (if you can’t afford one)? Also some people aren’t aware that some insurance programs cover mental health.
Can the degrees you already have help you find a new career, one that pays more?
It seems like you have a lot of tough questions to ask yourself in order to find direction. As Matt suggested, once you have clarity then you can go forward.
It also sounds like the real issue may be feeling like you aren’t good enough thus you continue to handicap yourself. It may be that you are clinging to this belief and if you were to succeed then it would debunk your belief. Thus if you want to continuing believing you aren’t good enough then you have to do things to support that belief such as “failing”. If you believe and feel that you are good, basically good, good as you are not good enough, then maybe you will take actions to support that belief.
Here is a quote for you: “I must let go of what I am in order to become what I might be” Lao Tzu
Sending you my warmest regards and a little light for your journey,
August 13, 2013 at 6:42 pm #40390
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Zenhen.
I’ve been feeling like a failure lately, too, and trying to find ways to stop thinking this way. This is kind of corny but today I went to the car dealership to pick up my car, and they had all these motivational signs on the wall behind the service desk. One in particular caught my eye. It said, “Failure is an event, not a person.” I really liked that. I hope you like it, too.
Love and blessings,
ChupacabraAugust 18, 2013 at 7:26 pm #40735
Thank you everyone who replied.