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help, i'm scared of my marriage

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Zenhen 6 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #40301

    Blhlh
    Participant

    Ive been married almost 5 years now we got married when we were just 21 years old. Im struggling to come to a decision on what i should do.. I feel so strongly that i cant live a happy life being married to this man. He is just mean spirited and hateful, he drove away all his friends, he cares about himself more than he cares about me. Another issue is he frequently talks about suicide and hes been doing that since i met him 10 yrs ago. So that being said im terrified of starting a family with him and then down the line he decides to go thru with it. I want kids someday but he is not an ideal father figure, his yelling and anger are out of control sometimes at least every day he screams about something. I dont want to bring children into that. When i start thinking of leaving him i get very scared that he’ll kill himself because im all he has in this life. He hates everyone and everything and im pretty sure im the only reason he hasnt killed himself yet.I just cant imagine the guilt id feel if that happened though. I feel like im in a lose lose situation here. He wont seek help he refuses to see a therapist or even talk about his issues. The longer i stay with him i just feel like its a waste of the best years of my life i just dont know what to do. What makes it even harder is im a religious person and i hate the thought of divorce but im sure i made a mistake getting married to this person.

    #40302

    Matt
    Participant

    Blhlh,

    I’m very sorry for the difficulties you’re experiencing, and my heart goes out to you. Please do not take any advice from the forums here in regards to divorce, except to seek professional help. There is a national suicide prevention hotline @ 1-800-273-8255. They can give you better advice, and are specifically trained to help.

    To help with your heart, consider looking into a metta meditation practice. Ajahn Jayasaro has a great video on YouTube called “metta” which can help you get started. Ajahn Brahm has a guided metta meditation if that is more your thing.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #40321

    Jaydee
    Participant

    Blhlh,
    Yes this sounds like a very serious situation. I hope that you have gone to seek help elsewhere besides this forum. I would do a search for services in your area that might be able to help you with this. You are not alone, even though you may have been made to feel alone in this toxic relationship. Although he may not physically abuse you he is emotionally abusive from the sound of things. I would call some local women’s shelters or centers that provide services for women and see what they suggest. This is a situation from which you certainly need some distance. Please seek help.

    – J.D.

    #40340

    Sara
    Participant

    Dearest Blhlh,

    It sounds like you feel very trapped either way–staying in the marriage or getting out.– I want to offer you some tools to help you as you start to think about what is best for you. I happen to be a social worker, and have experience working around people with various mental health issues. I agree with Matt and Jaydee, that there is a serious element to your husband’s threats of suicide. But I just want you to think on a different side of it for a moment or two. Can you recall a time when you felt or perceived that your husband’s suicide threats were being done out of manipulation? Have you ever felt that he throws the “suicide card” out when he wants something his way or wants to make you feel guilty about something/some situation? I urge you to think about this, because while suicide is a very serious thing, there are many people who, while their thoughts can feel real, have learned it can be used as a powerful manipulation tool. I would encourage you to look up information on Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder to see if the symptoms makes any sense in your situation.

    The truth is, you have no control, in any way, over his behaviors nor over him committing suicide. You have no control IN the marriage, and you have no control OUT of the marriage. I know how scary it can be, but you must release yourself from any responsibility over his behavior, because you are not in control of it. Period. He may have made comments about committing suicide if you leave him, but that sounds like a manipulation tactic. You can also start to look into boundary setting with him. For example, you might start to tell him that you take suicide very seriously and that you want him to know you will be calling 911 if any future threats or attempts come up. Or, just call 911 next time he makes a threat. This sends him and message that you are validating his feelings and taking his threat seriously, but it also sends a message that he better be serious about making such threats and not be using such a threat carelessly. You may also decide to set a boundary that when he gets angry, you are going to leave the house, and he can call you when he’s done having an episode of rage. These types of behaviors are only fueled when people stick around for them.

    You have a lot to think about. I understand the religious worries, and the marital vows. I would support you either way, staying or leaving. But, if you stay, you must develop coping skills to keep yourself safe (first and foremost) and happy. And our partners are supposed to be our biggest fans of our safety and happiness. Do you feel that your husband wants nothing more than to know that your safety and happiness are intact? If not, there you go. You are #1 right now. It will be excruciating, but you will survive a divorce if that is what you choose. He will not change, not matter how much you push him, threaten him, etc… He will not change until he, and only he, is ready. In the meantime, find some support for yourself. Find a good therapist, pick up the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, and start journaling or finding an outlet for all the volatile emotions that must come up depending on what mood your husband is in that day. Protect, Nurture, and Feed your soul, yourself. Give the situation up to God as you work through this. Educate yourself on what might be going on. When we are armed with knowledge, we can make more informed decisions. I hope this helps, and I will pray for your peace and safety in this process. Let me know if you have any questions.

    #40353

    Dee
    Participant

    Oh Blhlh, I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I don’t think I have any more wisdom than what the other people here have already posted. Please seek help from professionals who will be able to help you with your situation. If you have friends or family who you think will support you unconditionally, talk to them. I think Sara’s point is wise and I hope you consider it.
    The only thing I might add here is that, I don’t know what religion you are, but in my hear at least, there is no God who would prefer you stay in a marriage where you are afraid for yourself and for your future children. I know many people believe marriage is a sacred vow, and it is, but sometimes we have to realize that our own selves are more sacred and valuable to God than a vow we made even with our best intentions. I hope that you would agree with me that any God in the world would prefer to see you shine your bright light of happiness and joy and love into a place where it can spread and multiply to others, not suffer alone with someone who is not interested in receiving it.
    I wish for the best for you.
    Dee

    #40375

    Zenhen
    Participant

    Blhlh,

    I read your post earlier but as many people had already given helpful responses, I chose not to reply. However, I was reading some online news articles and the sidebar contained a report about a Texas man who commits suicide one hour after his wife gives birth. It reminded me of your story. Hopefully this will serve as a wake up call to you and prompt you to get help and or get out of your situation. He has ultimate control over his life and his decisions. You cannot be held accountable for any of his choices. Below is the article:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2391397/Michael-Nobles-killed-Texas-hospital-maternity-ward-1-hour-wife-gave-birth.html

    Warmest Regards,

    Zenhen

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