There’s something which happened yesterday that I’d like to share. I’m sorry if it ends up being too long…

I was very low these past week, thinking constantly of my mistake, ashamed for not knowing any better and for investing so much time and energy into someone who clearly did not share my values, did not deserve my availability, thoughtfulness and dedication and did not respect me enough to be honest and clear about his intentions. Not only that but I was mocked and humiliated (i won’t get into details, it’s hurtful and embarrassing). When he told me in disgusting detail his true intents, and so obnoxiously as though he wanted to get back at me somehow, I was reactionless and could barely say anything. Yesterday, I was feeling like I could not go on without addressing some of his attitude. I still could not include in my response everything I had bottled up inside me, because I did not want the situation to be dragged on any further and also because I was too afraid of retaliations on his part. So I made response to him where I subtly called him out on his lack of morals and suggested he was like coward hiding behind a screen who takes pride in crushing those who are vulnerable. Unfortunately it was so subtle and he’s, as he recently shown to me, so so vapid and self-centered it probably flew over his head. It almost didn’t pay off, but in a way it did. I’ll explain this further on.

I could tell by his response that he totally missed some of my important points, but at least he had the common sense to not attack me. He did not have the decency to apologize. Said he ‘wishes me the best’, said something about ‘do not commit suicide, you can easily find a man if you want’. I don’t know why he took my response that way, I could only commit suicide for something along the lines of hating myself, I never said I’d commit suicide for a man, much less someone like him. Go figure. All I can make of it is that he’s too shallow and self-absorbed to understand. He says something like ‘But I helped you through your anxiety attacks and prevented you from suicidal thoughts in some occasions’. Like I should be so grateful for the time I wasted with him. If he hadn’t helped me in those occasions, I’d have realized a lot sooner that I should walk away. Why can’t he understand that what he did was not ok and nothing like listening or advising me a handful of times redeems him of anything. Plus, he only did that to keep me interested, so it’s not like it was being genuinely caring and decent. Why can’t people see things like that? Are their morals really that twisted or they just don’t care? When I got his response and noticed he still did not understand me very well, I regretted not being more clear and confrontational. Then again, would it change a thing if I was? He’s not in my life anymore, he’s not my problem, I don’t benefit anymore from him changing his ways. At least I got my main point across which was ‘please, do not ever talk to me again, leave me in peace’. So, I’m happy that I did not reply to any of his last messages and then blocked him, even though I really really wanted to reply as he had gotten almost everything I said wrong. The thing I should really be concerned about is my tendency of underestimating my feelings in favor of someone. Also, why I seem to be drawn to the same type of men. If I had listened to my anxiety, I’d wouldn’t have gotten so far into any of my awful relationships.

I still don’t know, in practice, what a healthy relationship should look like. I know in theory but it’s not the same. When you are treated in a certain way, somehow it gets familiar and you get used to it. This is the second deceiving guy with questionable morals with whom I have a ‘relationship’ (in fact, I can’t even call it that). This reminds me of a quote, “mistakes repeated more than once are decisions”. I know this one was mainly on me. I’m 23 years old, I’m not 16 anymore. Expecting others to have similar values as mine is just unrealistic. This is the world we live in… The fact people have such a lack of empathy really frustrates me. And realistically this world is filled with morons that will do anything as long as it pleases them and to hell with everyone else. But I won’t take this as another mistake and feel any more shame, I’ll look at it as decision, a reminder, a painful learning opportunity I would rather not have needed to have, obviously true, but that might help me strengthen myself and head me on a better healthier path. I wish I was lucky enough to have found someone decent this time and finally have had a regular relationship experience, but that wasn’t the case. It still makes me sad, but at least I did not harm anyone in the process. At least I was acting based on something I’ve always believed, ever since I was little (I shouldn’t have been exposed to so many soap operas as a kid). Not only that, but I also have issues involving the emotional negligence I suffered in my developing years, which makes me long for attention and care, which unfortunately translated in my relationships pattern. I still feel alone, not in a regular way everybody feels alone, but in a nearly unbearable and shudder-inducing way… It could have gone a lot worse if he hadn’t confessed his farce. Naturally I feel sad for being dragged into such a dire situation, but also relieved for having walked away from it once I finally saw the entire picture.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by emotionalyze.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by emotionalyze.