Dear emotionalyze:

I think you projected into this online male friend a lot of your deep anger. I don’t trust your evaluation of him as another bad man. I missed any such evidence. If he was half way decent, even mostly decent, he couldn’t win with you because you are so angry.

Understandably angry for having been neglected and mistreated all these years as a child, and still living with the same people who neglected and mistreated you.

You are holding on to your belief that you were at fault and are at fault in regard to your parents, your mother in particular. And so you hold inside you anger at her, and most often you direct this anger at yourself: I am faulty! I made a mistake! I should know better! I…I..!

And then, when in contact with this last man, you get a break from self directing this anger, and he gets some of it.

So, there is no escape but to give the responsibility of what happens to the right people. I hope you get to a place where you see your mother as the one responsible for your neglect and mistreatment- to this very day. I hope you get to a place where you no longer see yourself responsible for that neglect and mistreatment, and no longer responsible for the consequences you suffer from that neglect and mistreatment.

Only when you do that, can you have a healthy relationship with someone who is decent. Of course there are cruel people in the world (you lived with at least one your whole life), but you can not SEE the decent ones until you get Who-is-Responsible-for-What correctly.

Please take good care of yourself:

anita