Dear Laure:

In a post above on this thread you wrote:

“I do remember having difficulties as a child with being touched or touching others ( Hugs, hand holding etc.)” I did too.

“sensory processing disorder, GI disorder, my extreme sensitivity, poor communication etc.” Me too.

“Communicating in person and communicating through writing is quiet different.” True for me too.

“…based on my experiences as a child, it was almost like everyone had a toolbox of communication ‘guidelines’ that they just automatically knew how to use. For me, I had to pretty much watch people and guess these guidelines based on what I observed and create my own tools. I believe this is why I couldn’t form connections with others. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to react to show people my thoughts or my emotions…” I can very much relate

And yet, I am not autistic, or at least, I was never diagnosed with autism. I was diagnosed (retroactively, twenty years later) with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Tourette Syndrome and a bit later with a few other diagnoses. It seems like if I did go to more doctors, I could have added more diagnoses to my collection.

What I realized eventually,is that I was not born OCD, or Tourettes, or any of the other things. These difficulties and symptoms happened as a result of what happened in my childhood, as a result of my interactions with my main care taker, my mother.

All that you wrote as indicative of how you fit in with the diagnosis of autism does not refute my claim and understanding that you were rejected as a young child and ongoing by your main caretaker. As you stated in your last post above regarding your relationship with your mother and my comments are in parentheses:

Once I wrote a really nice letter about how much I appreciate her (the fact that you showed her your love and appreciation in other ways were not received and acknowledged by her) because I dont always tell her (You are not supposed to always tell her, this must be something she expressed to you, that you don’t appreciate her) and she loved that (so you got good at writing, communicating in writing, as you do here on this forum. It worked with her so you got good at it. On the other hand your other communication methods did not work with her so you distrust them). I wrote her a letter once in awhile if she was not listening to what I was saying (She was not listening to what you were saying..). Such as when I wanted her to stop being so controlling over my life (how was she so controlling…?), or if it was a difficult thing I couldnt say to her (what were the difficult things you couldn’t say..?). I honestly dont remember she tends to just do whatever she wants (what..?) so I dont bother anymore (She is not listening to you, not considering your emotions, so you don’t bother to communicate with her, which is my point: your weakness in communicating beyond writing is a result of your interactions with your mother.

Please take your time and re-read the above at a time when you are calm and willing to see something you didn’t see before and write back to me, if you’d like.

anita