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Trying to find my way

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  • April 8, 2016 at 8:07 pm #101341
    HealingWords
    Participant

    My whole life, I have struggled unsuccessfully to make friends, communicate to others, and fit in. People my age seemed to avoid me and I always felt like people could tell something off about me that I couldn’t see. I was very sensitive to my emotions, easily set off by little things. I also had a hard time with sounds that others seemed not to notice, in environmentals with a loud noise it was difficult for me to concentrate and often upset me. I often had obsessive thoughts that I did not recognize as a problem. I thought looking into someones eyes was disrespectful and I felt uncomfortable with eye contact. It is sad to say that most of my life I felt like I had a wall built around me and rarely had friends. It felt like a shadow was over me that I called the Lonely I did not know that I had autism until a few months ago.
    I took the realization kind of hard, but it wasn’t something I didnt already know, just simiply put a word to why I was different. I am sometimes embarrassed because I know my past actions and feelings that I believed to be normal, were often ridiculous.
    I would believe that the walls I created was self-made, that if I wanted to I could let people in. Even after learning of my autism I thought I had the control to cast away the Lonely. I tried so hard to connect with others, trying to not feel lonely when that is all I have ever known, while feeling anxious when I make friends because I cannot communicate properly.
    I know this isn’t true.The truth is, I cannot change what I am. My walls are permanent and I did not make them. I don’t have the freedom that others do. People can choose not to communicate with others, I physically cannot. It is in my code not too, it is something I was born with. And even if I could learn all the body language that people are born with, I physically am not capable of speaking to others about my feelings, my dreams, anything about me. I physically am not able to form relationships that normal people can.
    And when it comes to emotions, I used to say it is important to listen to them. Knowing my emotions are not reasonable and tend to be obsessive, I no longer feel like I can validate them.
    I really wanted to be normal, to have trust worthy friends, a boyfriend/husband, children. But I can feel inside that life isnt meant for me and I don’t think it has to be a bad thing. I know that it is sad for many people, but not for me.
    With that said, I want to fully let go of everything, something not many people can do. I want to live a life I know I was meant to live, one not attatched to people, thoughts, emotions, my ego. Maybe I cannot live in solitude, but I can without attachment. I will live with only my goal to help make a difference in the world, nothing more.

    April 8, 2016 at 9:08 pm #101347
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laure:

    You wrote that you can’t communicate properly. You are communicating on this thread and in previous ones very well, properly.

    By “find my way”- what do you mean? What would make a way your authentic way, Laure’s way?

    anita

    April 9, 2016 at 8:46 am #101367
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laure:

    I just read many of your posts since April 2015, months before you received your Autism diagnosis. In September 5, 2015, you wrote o me: “Letters are often unappreciated in this age, which is sad. I gave my mother a letter a few times and, like you it was either ignored or not appreciated.” What follows is my Hypothesis, my somewhat educated guess. I will make it as short as possible. If you would like, you can evaluate it for what is true and what is not true and let me know, and then correspond more about it. If you are not interested, then I will drop it, of course.

    My hypothesis: Laure was not born with a mental defect: Autism. None of her genes has “AUTISM” printed on it. She was born a loving and lovable, healthy baby, just like the great majority of babies.

    In relationships with her parents, Laure’s loving gestures of reaching out and connecting, a natural inclination as the loving baby and young child she was, were severely rejected. Not that she was beaten, starved or left out in the cold. She was simply… ignored as an emotional person. She reached out her hand, figuratively, but no one took her hand and held it. She reached out again and again until she stopped trying.

    But all that happened before she knew what was going on. She had no experience with reaching out her hand and someone holding it. So she didn’t know someone was supposed to hold her hand.

    Later on, not having the experience of reaching out her hand and it being held, that is, not having the experience of connecting with others, she didn’t know how. She tried some but didn’t get adequate results. Soon enough she received a diagnosis: Unable to connect… autism. So now she thinks she was born like that and destined to remain so.

    While all along, there is nothing wrong with Laure. She just didn’t have the experience.

    anita

    April 9, 2016 at 2:59 pm #101375
    HealingWords
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your hypothesis, and it is a view that I took on when I first came across the idea that I may be autistic. I do understand what you are saying, that I could have developed autistic like traits in regards to not having experience with connecting to others, and I assume that it cannot be disproven since I wasn’t diagnosed at an early age. But, I do remember having difficulties as a child with being touched or touching others ( Hugs, hand holding etc.), sensory processing disorder, GI disorder, my extreme sensitivity, poor communication etc. Communicating in person and communicating through writing is quiet different. There there are general guidelines that people follow in their speech and body language when they talk to one another, based on my experiences as a child, it was almost like everyone had a toolbox of communication “guidelines” that they just automatically knew how to use. For me, I had to pretty much watch people and guess these guidelines based on what I observed and create my own tools. I believe this is why I couldn’t form connections with others. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to react to show people my thoughts or my emotions. Because I didn’t know how to communicate properly, people were confused by my actions and stayed away or bullied me.

    So, I do think that this autism is very much something that I have lived with my whole life. Perhaps it is genetic, or developmental, I do not know and it doesn’t matter because it isn’t something that can just go away. I can try all I can to mask the symptoms, so no one knows, but I will always have this internally. That being said, I do believe that I am not meant to form relationships or friendships, since I was young I always had this nagging feeling like I was trying to force friendships when I was not meant to. To be honest, most of the time I liked being alone, I had trouble wanting to be around other people, partly because I felt they didn’t understand me but also just because I just needed alone time. It is almost a gift because while many people have a fear of being alone I am so very comfortable with it. And my way I am trying to find is fully embracing my ability to be alone, and just stop looking toward others for happiness and comfort. If I were to have my full true way I honestly think I would be a hermit in the woods not speaking to anyone, because when I am alone in a forest I am myself. That isn’t realistic and I do want to make a difference in the world and that can’t be done in isolation, but I can detach from a common concept that I will be happy when I find friends or my “soul mate” or finding someone to understand. I can be content with nothing.

    I hope this makes sense, it can be hard to exactly explain what has been in my head lately,

    Laure

    April 9, 2016 at 7:02 pm #101392
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laure:

    I read your last post attentively but I want to go back to my last post to you where I quoted what you posted September of last year:”“Letters are often unappreciated in this age, which is sad. I gave my mother a letter a few times and, like you it was either ignored or not appreciated.”

    You lived with her your whole life, haven’t you? Why did you write her letters instead of talking to her? And what kind of information did you write in those letters?

    anita

    April 9, 2016 at 8:27 pm #101405
    HealingWords
    Participant

    Anita,

    Once I wrote a really nice letter about how much I appreciate her because I dont always tell her and she loved that. I wrote her a letter once in awhile if she was not listening to what I was saying. Such as when I wanted her to stop being so controlling over my life, or if it was a difficult thing I couldnt say to her. I honestly dont remember she tends to just do whatever she wants so I dont bother anymore.

    Laure

    April 10, 2016 at 3:52 am #101410
    Eris
    Participant

    Hi Laure

    You post is very eye opening to what it must be like to be wired differently to a lot of people. You communicate that beautifully.In my limited experience we are all on a ‘spectrum’ no one process the world in exactly the same way or needs exactly the same things from others in their social interactions.

    The idea that we can only find happiness from other people is so common in the media, culture etc and at its base root is true in that we are social animals – we rely on co-operations with others to survive and raise children (unfortunately unlike other animals they don’t just pop out fairly self sufficient or just take a couple of months to mature!) However taken to the extreme it can be seriously damaging as the ability to be emotionally self sufficient and having an excellent relationship with your self I am discovering is key to being healthy and having healthy relationships.

    I think the focus you are taking of working on accepting you as you and working through the idea that you need others in the way society portrays is a wise one. As you are more comfortable with who you are that is an attractive (in the sense it attracts people to you) quality. If you are able to explain to people who you are and be ok that some people are not going to get it, and that that says as much about them and their issues as it ever does about you, you will slowly find people who will appreciate you and be your social network, may be not many (I only have three true friends!) but they will be real honest friendships based on who you actually are as people and not the ‘needs exchanges’ that many social relationships are based on.

    Sending you a non touching hug 🙂

    April 10, 2016 at 8:44 am #101419
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laure:

    In a post above on this thread you wrote:

    “I do remember having difficulties as a child with being touched or touching others ( Hugs, hand holding etc.)” I did too.

    “sensory processing disorder, GI disorder, my extreme sensitivity, poor communication etc.” Me too.

    “Communicating in person and communicating through writing is quiet different.” True for me too.

    “…based on my experiences as a child, it was almost like everyone had a toolbox of communication ‘guidelines’ that they just automatically knew how to use. For me, I had to pretty much watch people and guess these guidelines based on what I observed and create my own tools. I believe this is why I couldn’t form connections with others. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know how to react to show people my thoughts or my emotions…” I can very much relate

    And yet, I am not autistic, or at least, I was never diagnosed with autism. I was diagnosed (retroactively, twenty years later) with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Tourette Syndrome and a bit later with a few other diagnoses. It seems like if I did go to more doctors, I could have added more diagnoses to my collection.

    What I realized eventually,is that I was not born OCD, or Tourettes, or any of the other things. These difficulties and symptoms happened as a result of what happened in my childhood, as a result of my interactions with my main care taker, my mother.

    All that you wrote as indicative of how you fit in with the diagnosis of autism does not refute my claim and understanding that you were rejected as a young child and ongoing by your main caretaker. As you stated in your last post above regarding your relationship with your mother and my comments are in parentheses:

    Once I wrote a really nice letter about how much I appreciate her (the fact that you showed her your love and appreciation in other ways were not received and acknowledged by her) because I dont always tell her (You are not supposed to always tell her, this must be something she expressed to you, that you don’t appreciate her) and she loved that (so you got good at writing, communicating in writing, as you do here on this forum. It worked with her so you got good at it. On the other hand your other communication methods did not work with her so you distrust them). I wrote her a letter once in awhile if she was not listening to what I was saying (She was not listening to what you were saying..). Such as when I wanted her to stop being so controlling over my life (how was she so controlling…?), or if it was a difficult thing I couldnt say to her (what were the difficult things you couldn’t say..?). I honestly dont remember she tends to just do whatever she wants (what..?) so I dont bother anymore (She is not listening to you, not considering your emotions, so you don’t bother to communicate with her, which is my point: your weakness in communicating beyond writing is a result of your interactions with your mother.

    Please take your time and re-read the above at a time when you are calm and willing to see something you didn’t see before and write back to me, if you’d like.

    anita

    April 18, 2016 at 4:55 am #102094
    Georg
    Participant

    Laure, please remember that your thoughts shape who you are and what paths to change you can see! I’ve been lurking this forum for a while, but this thread made me register; I’m just too much at odds with some of the things said.

    Okay, I’m certainly not in your shoes, sorry if I’m imposing my view. But every now and then, I come across autism tests or checklists – and get labeled autistic. I told a few friends about this, and most of them didn’t believe these results. It made me wonder if peoples’ image of autism is what actually makes autists similar to each other.

    What IS autism? In most places, this thread included, it’s described simply as a syndrome: strangely correlated symptoms. Someone is bad at social stuff, doing crazy things over and over, blah, we’ve heard it. But those are results, not causes, and from what I know they aren’t at all inevitable outcomes.

    Here is what I believe: autism is a strong tendency to reinforce routines, both of thought and of action. Sadly, this tendency makes it easy to trap oneself in cyclic routines or thoughts, but that’s just a result of certain situations or states of mind, and not at all set in stone.

    In other words, I think it might be the OPPOSITE of stuff like this:

    The truth is, I cannot change what I am. My walls are permanent and I did not make them. I don’t have the freedom that others do. People can choose not to communicate with others, I physically cannot. It is in my code not too, it is something I was born with.

    I’ve just finished reading Shawn Achor’s excellent guide “The Happiness Advantage”, which references among many things the scientific observation of people with a “growth mindset”, as compared to the immutable mindset the above quote shows. The statistics leave little room for doubt: people who believe they have the power to change themselves tend to achieve great change, while those who believe they can’t change create a self-fulfilling prophecy. And this isn’t some little detail, but one of the best predictors of future success and happiness.

    Now couple this with the routine-strengthening take on autism. If an autist’s primary trait is to build habits and tendencies with minimal effort, then the things you do, say, and even only think are what shapes your future personality! One tiny start in the right direction, and your atypically focused mind might loop over it until it has built a whole new perspective! But think of a path that leads nowhere, and this too will occupy your mind as long as you will it.

    If you want to make friends, just find a small, nice thing to say or do for others, and consciously do it. You can start with just one little thing a day. If the way your autism feels is any similar to what makes me score as “autistic” on various scales and tests, your mind will start thinking about the smallest detail you focus on, and in mere days carve a new path in your mind, faster and deeper than a normal person could hope for. You just need to find the important changes to make and kick-start the process, by consciously taking the first step and building routines you would like your future self to have.

    If you ask me, it’s great to have a covertly autistic mind. It gives a level of self-control that many people have to pay for, in sweat and tears, as they try to make a change. Yes, it is also easy to fall into mental traps and make strange mistakes, and I’ve paid for my own share of insanity. But why in the world would you see it only as a disability, with an unhappy and secluded life as the only possible outcome?

    PS: If this fails to convince you, you might still want to read “The Happiness Advantage”. It brings a whole new perspective on how to change yourself.

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Georg.
    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Georg.
    April 21, 2016 at 9:30 am #102385
    HealingWords
    Participant

    To all who gave me such supporting advice and took the time to write to me, Thanks so much for your replies, I apologize for the long delay to respond! But here it is!

    Dear Eris,

    Thank you for your support, and your non-touching hug (you know me so well already!) it is greatly appreciated.
    I do agree that confidence in one’s self can be attractive to people, I do notice that people who know who they and are confident about it are more likable to be around. I admire people who have that comfort with being open about themselves. Although I accept and love the person I am, I think I hide it from others whether from habit or just I just don’t want to explain myself to others. I have had a past of “friendships” where people knew literally nothing about me. It is only now that I am choosing my social group for common interests and character and I am being more open. And yet something is just off. Maybe it just isn’t the right group yet, but I think it may just be me. I cannot communicate to people still. Maybe it is autism, maybe I don’t know how to connect, maybe it has to do with my expression of emotions (or lack off), maybe I am just odd to people. I think I will work on my communication, work on being more open to people, but I do not want to feel like I am drowning in loneliness. I don’t want to be attached to a hope for friendships. I do love being alone and I think that may be the life for me anyway.

    Dear Anita,

    I do understand your point, that all my “symptoms” could have been a result from my childhood. I do see how my mom could have influenced my development to have poor behavior, I can extend that to my father and childhood peers affecting my behaviors too (Father was rarely around due to work and was quiet, peers just reinforced behaviors through rejection). Autism is kind of a tricky thing if it isn’t caught during childhood, it is common for girls during my day to be overlooked, and it is not always clear how much is involved with development/ environment and genetics. So, no I do not know if I am born with this, but I can say that yes I had a really crappy childhood when it comes to social situation. It ends up being which came first, the chicken or the egg: is my symptoms from birth and reinforced through rejection/poor social interaction, or was it rejection/ poor interaction that caused my symptoms of autism. And then it becomes what is autism because the spectrum is so wide. Is it something I can “reverse”, or am I even at a part on the spectrum where it doesn’t even matter because I can for the most part function properly?

    You asked about my mother, I really don’t want to go into detail about my mom. It just turns into a long, long rant, but she is a great mother, she gave up everything for her children and husband, its just she is not perfect

    Overall Anita, I do appreciate your ability to question and analysis situations (making it so everything said can and will be used “against” you!). Questioning my “autism” and asking if it is really something I am born with, or if I should recognize if it is my genetics or development can be very important to know. I suppose you are trying to get at is that if I recognize the cause of my symptoms, can I find a way to change it? I really don’t know and I suppose I should not limit myself in my thinking about me not being able to change.

    Dear Vandroiy,

    Thank you for input, and you bring a really interesting point. I am very glad you made an account to tell me this!
    I do understand what you mean by the thoughts shape who you, and I can see that if I do consider “permanent walls” between me and others, it is just going happen regardless on if it is actually true. Saying I don’t have freedom pretty much makes it so I don’t have freedom. I honestly cannot believe I let myself think that for a moment.

    However, I am not so sure if your point that if I take small steps change my way of thinking will influence me to change. This is because I have tried this, many times. It could have been that I didn’t reinforce it enough that I fell back into the old way. It comes to the question, can I only change to a point? I have come to question this with myer- briggs personality types, is personality a permanent thing you can change, is it ever changing, or can parts change and the core stays the same. I certainly will give your book recommendation a try, I started reading a sample and it already relates to me. I am at a point where I am willing to experiment and It is better to try than to not try at all.

    I am glad you don’t see autism as a disability, I don’t really either. I hope I didn’t make it sound like that. Months ago, I did think of it as a disability because I used it against myself as a reasons that there is something wrong with me, but there are also great things about me that I can also accredit to my autistic ways. It is simply a different way of thinking! And it is with that I feel like I have an advantage to a life different than others, in that I do not need people. I am not saying a secluded life is a bad way to live, I enjoy alone, my happiest moments were when I was alone. I honestly think my unhappiness is due to an idea that people can give me happiness when I cannot name very many times that a person was the source of happiness. And I have had this feeling for a long time, that there is a calling to accept my ability to not be attached to people. I am not sure that necessarily, means that I will live a secluded life, simply that I will not be unhappy if I do live that life, and I will be thankful if I find myself in a different life with people.

    Once again, thank you all for your input and support, I absolutely love this site because it has a great community of people who have diverse ideas that really help me question my situation!

    Thanks,

    Laure

    April 21, 2016 at 10:48 am #102408
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Laure:

    I appreciate your very gracious reply. Thank you! My point was all along that you were not born autistic, that autism is an artificially determined collection of symptoms. And therefore healing, however difficult and time consuming, is possible for you. Basically, there was nothing at all wrong or faulty with baby Laure.

    You are welcome and post again anytime, if you’d like to.

    anita

    April 22, 2016 at 4:31 am #102441
    Georg
    Participant

    Dear Laure,

    it makes me happy that you’re giving the book a try! I can’t even imagine that it wouldn’t help at least a little.

    Okay, I might have made changing sound a little too simple. The ability to build new routines is always a double-edged sword: even if steps forward go fast, steps into any direction, backward, sideways, nowhere, are also fast. To harness the power of such change is a quest for balance and meaning, for guideposts to direct your thoughts toward.

    There is always the pull of local optima, those states of mind and life that are just close and easy enough to move (back) to. Without conscious self-control, everyone drifts into one of these and stays there until a stronger force of change comes by. This is why a single event is unlikely to change your whole reality; if one moves in a random walk of random directions all the time, but one point pulls a little bit, its vicinity is where one ends up.

    Not so with changes that are deeply meaningful to yourself. Gaining a new perspective, for example, can create a whole new pull to a different way to go about things. It’s not something you try and maybe fail at, it’s a realization. There’s a huge difference between trying to get on the good side of certain people by trying to be nice and embracing kindness and openness to others as a part of the self you want to be. Do you see how one of these two contains the word “try”, while to the other, such a word wouldn’t even apply?

    I’m not saying there’s no trial and error in life, just that having a guiding concept, a greater perspective, can be really helpful.

    I wish you all the best!
    Vandroiy

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