Dear tamaraxoxoo:

It is understandable why you are a “loud mouth”- you learned that as the way to take care of yourself. In the home you grew up in, that was the way. Now it is a habit and as in all habits we want to change we have to do the right work over time. It will take time but it is very possible and doable.

First, you must stop being verbally abusive to anyone as it is your personal responsibility. It would have been the ..right thing if that was practiced in your home and it is not your responsibility that it was not, yet it is now your responsibility to stop verbal abuse of any other person. No matter how angry you are, you don’t. How? There are skills taught, I am sure, in anger management classes. Otherwise it is meditation, mindfulness, distraction (taking a break to calm down), yoga, aerobic exercise… anything to release the tension and talk from a calm state of mind.

Interpersonal Skills is something for you to look into, how to assert yourself effectively, respectfully. How to get what you need without being aggressive. There is being passive (and often passive-aggressive) on one end of the spectrum and being aggressive on the other. Being assertive is the middle ground, the Win-Win mode of interacting.

If you would like, you can post an example here of a situation with your boyfriend, then you can write what you already said, or feel like saying, and we can figure out together what was or would better to say, the assertive, respectful, Win-Win alternative.

anita