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Attitude problem

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  • #101787
    Tamara Nicole
    Participant

    Hey guys! I’m new to this site and wanted some advice. Everybody tells me that i have an anger and attitude problem and i wanted fix it but its so hard to do. I grew up in a house where if you wanted to get your point across you were most likely loud and sarcastic about it. (yes i know its not a good thing but thats just how it was). So i have this attitude problem and a loud mouth and i try to control what i say but when I’m in the moment things just fly out of my mouth and then by the time i realize it the damage is already done. Its ruining my relationship with my boyfriend most of all and i feel like i could be a much healthier person if i just learned a way to calm my anger and attitude.

    #101831
    UnconditionalPeace
    Participant

    I’m pretty new here myself – nice to be starting the journey with you!

    While I can’t offer a comprehensive solution to your problem, here are a few things you might try.

    Every so often, maybe once every month or two, I’ll go 24 hours without talking. It’s still a work in progress, but I think I’m training myself to talk less.

    Learn how to shut toxic conversations down. If there’s a conversation or an argument brewing that you think could result in hurt feelings, let yourself say, “Can we just…not?” Ask yourself, what are you getting out of expressing your opinion so loudly? Do you feel like conversation is a competitive thing? Would you really rather be right than happy? I think this is a problem for a lot of us.

    And last but not least…meditate! This can help with so many problems. Pay attention to your breathing. If you can be more mindful of that other stuff that comes out of your mouth (ha ha), maybe you can train yourself to take a deep breath before you speak.

    #101853
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tamaraxoxoo:

    It is understandable why you are a “loud mouth”- you learned that as the way to take care of yourself. In the home you grew up in, that was the way. Now it is a habit and as in all habits we want to change we have to do the right work over time. It will take time but it is very possible and doable.

    First, you must stop being verbally abusive to anyone as it is your personal responsibility. It would have been the ..right thing if that was practiced in your home and it is not your responsibility that it was not, yet it is now your responsibility to stop verbal abuse of any other person. No matter how angry you are, you don’t. How? There are skills taught, I am sure, in anger management classes. Otherwise it is meditation, mindfulness, distraction (taking a break to calm down), yoga, aerobic exercise… anything to release the tension and talk from a calm state of mind.

    Interpersonal Skills is something for you to look into, how to assert yourself effectively, respectfully. How to get what you need without being aggressive. There is being passive (and often passive-aggressive) on one end of the spectrum and being aggressive on the other. Being assertive is the middle ground, the Win-Win mode of interacting.

    If you would like, you can post an example here of a situation with your boyfriend, then you can write what you already said, or feel like saying, and we can figure out together what was or would better to say, the assertive, respectful, Win-Win alternative.

    anita

    #101870
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You could try thinking of what to say in your mind before actually saying it out loud. Try to consider the other person’s feelings too. They might not like what you’re always telling them in a sarcastic tone. So, maybe it’s not the words you’re saying, but the WAY you say them at times.

    #101958
    Tamara Nicole
    Participant

    He complains more on the WAY i say things. saying that i have a very slick mouth and what not. I ALWAYS have something back to say. growing up i always had to defend myself and now its stuck with me and i get defensive and say things i guess in a rude manner and it only makes things worse. sometimes i try to bite my tongue but then things are said where I’m just like no..i can’t not say something back to that. i feel like i look weak if i just sit there and don’t say something back.

    #101961
    anita
    Participant

    Dear tamaraxoxoo:

    If you were trying to give me an example, this one is not specific enough. Can you write an example like a movie script.

    He said: “…
    You said: “…
    He said: “….
    Etc. In parenthesis, you can indicate what he or you do, the acts, for example:

    he said: “… (he got up from the chair, walked to the door and left the apartment, slamming the door behind him).

    anita

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