To all who gave me such supporting advice and took the time to write to me, Thanks so much for your replies, I apologize for the long delay to respond! But here it is!

Dear Eris,

Thank you for your support, and your non-touching hug (you know me so well already!) it is greatly appreciated.
I do agree that confidence in one’s self can be attractive to people, I do notice that people who know who they and are confident about it are more likable to be around. I admire people who have that comfort with being open about themselves. Although I accept and love the person I am, I think I hide it from others whether from habit or just I just don’t want to explain myself to others. I have had a past of “friendships” where people knew literally nothing about me. It is only now that I am choosing my social group for common interests and character and I am being more open. And yet something is just off. Maybe it just isn’t the right group yet, but I think it may just be me. I cannot communicate to people still. Maybe it is autism, maybe I don’t know how to connect, maybe it has to do with my expression of emotions (or lack off), maybe I am just odd to people. I think I will work on my communication, work on being more open to people, but I do not want to feel like I am drowning in loneliness. I don’t want to be attached to a hope for friendships. I do love being alone and I think that may be the life for me anyway.

Dear Anita,

I do understand your point, that all my “symptoms” could have been a result from my childhood. I do see how my mom could have influenced my development to have poor behavior, I can extend that to my father and childhood peers affecting my behaviors too (Father was rarely around due to work and was quiet, peers just reinforced behaviors through rejection). Autism is kind of a tricky thing if it isn’t caught during childhood, it is common for girls during my day to be overlooked, and it is not always clear how much is involved with development/ environment and genetics. So, no I do not know if I am born with this, but I can say that yes I had a really crappy childhood when it comes to social situation. It ends up being which came first, the chicken or the egg: is my symptoms from birth and reinforced through rejection/poor social interaction, or was it rejection/ poor interaction that caused my symptoms of autism. And then it becomes what is autism because the spectrum is so wide. Is it something I can “reverse”, or am I even at a part on the spectrum where it doesn’t even matter because I can for the most part function properly?

You asked about my mother, I really don’t want to go into detail about my mom. It just turns into a long, long rant, but she is a great mother, she gave up everything for her children and husband, its just she is not perfect

Overall Anita, I do appreciate your ability to question and analysis situations (making it so everything said can and will be used “against” you!). Questioning my “autism” and asking if it is really something I am born with, or if I should recognize if it is my genetics or development can be very important to know. I suppose you are trying to get at is that if I recognize the cause of my symptoms, can I find a way to change it? I really don’t know and I suppose I should not limit myself in my thinking about me not being able to change.

Dear Vandroiy,

Thank you for input, and you bring a really interesting point. I am very glad you made an account to tell me this!
I do understand what you mean by the thoughts shape who you, and I can see that if I do consider “permanent walls” between me and others, it is just going happen regardless on if it is actually true. Saying I don’t have freedom pretty much makes it so I don’t have freedom. I honestly cannot believe I let myself think that for a moment.

However, I am not so sure if your point that if I take small steps change my way of thinking will influence me to change. This is because I have tried this, many times. It could have been that I didn’t reinforce it enough that I fell back into the old way. It comes to the question, can I only change to a point? I have come to question this with myer- briggs personality types, is personality a permanent thing you can change, is it ever changing, or can parts change and the core stays the same. I certainly will give your book recommendation a try, I started reading a sample and it already relates to me. I am at a point where I am willing to experiment and It is better to try than to not try at all.

I am glad you don’t see autism as a disability, I don’t really either. I hope I didn’t make it sound like that. Months ago, I did think of it as a disability because I used it against myself as a reasons that there is something wrong with me, but there are also great things about me that I can also accredit to my autistic ways. It is simply a different way of thinking! And it is with that I feel like I have an advantage to a life different than others, in that I do not need people. I am not saying a secluded life is a bad way to live, I enjoy alone, my happiest moments were when I was alone. I honestly think my unhappiness is due to an idea that people can give me happiness when I cannot name very many times that a person was the source of happiness. And I have had this feeling for a long time, that there is a calling to accept my ability to not be attached to people. I am not sure that necessarily, means that I will live a secluded life, simply that I will not be unhappy if I do live that life, and I will be thankful if I find myself in a different life with people.

Once again, thank you all for your input and support, I absolutely love this site because it has a great community of people who have diverse ideas that really help me question my situation!

Laure

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by HealingWords.