Hi all!

I have been trying to work on myself to recover this week.
Trying to cry whenever needed, and to understand the guilt and to let go of it.
I have ups and downs though, and yesterday I missed her so much that I went to her home downstairs, seeing she hasn’t slept yet and when she was fixing the curtain, i was so afraid that she would see me.
Supposedly I have a volunteer outing that I am going with her tomorrow , I am in between wanting to go and not wanting to go.
I have been checking her and my fd’s online status(it’s really silly seriously) on whatsapp and I have a gist that my friendd and her were not together(stupid assumption too)
I don’t understand why after so many things happened, I am not angry at her and still want her to be by my side.
Of course every one asked me to stay away from her, but after last night, I miss her more than anything, it seems that I have done something silly to hinder my own progress.
I have been trying to make myself better first before interacting with her. But It’s not there yet apparently, and it seems I am not ready for it.
Advice?
Thanks

Clara