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Break up after massive tantrums, because my Ex cheated on me with my best friend

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  • #106049
    Chau
    Participant

    I was in a relationship for more than a year, things have been bumpy and I haven’t really felt right, ocassionally i treated her with tantrum or soemtime she thought i mistreated her or dismissed her, or possibly disrespected her. I was in fact, a very blunt person and from time to time, those saying were meant to be what i thought.
    My ex then cheated on me with my good friend, which last for like two weeks before i discovered it.
    i went crazy and my ex decided to stay with me, thinking that I was the person whom she wanted to stay long term with, and explained that because of the uncertainty of our relationship, she wanted to find refuge, because she didn’t know how to escape.
    We tried to make amends, and she said she would be there for me when I was upset. I did have quite intense temper tantrums, and we did take a few breaks in between the one month or so try out period. In the end, my emotions were proven too much for her, and she decided to leave.
    I am left with guilt of not treating her right, the scar of the betrayal of the two close person, as well as the anger that I have when she left me.
    I understand she was very hurt too, but soon afterwards I knew she found my good friend again, and my friends wished to date her.
    Although I feel wronged, in the end I still want to make things clear, or at least try to comfort her or make amend. i kind of half forced her to see me as things were quite uncertain towards the end, as she expressed her hesitation. She seemed to be very frightened of me, of any emotions that i exhibited, and that when I couldn’t help but kissed her in the end, she seemed scared.
    It’s very contradictory to be because she allowed me to hold her hands, and she leaned towards me when i was standing close to her. Trying to hug me a bit as well
    now i know i can never contact her again, because that seemed to be hurting her a lot
    Can also shed some light on this matter, I think I have guilt that i am never too into the relationship, and when I am more ready, she is gone. She has been treating me good all the way. It’s a pity and shame that we go on this path

    Thanks for reading, appreciate it

    #106053
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi chau,

    Well, if you’re going to have a temper tantrum (yelling a screaming only), one of the only times when that’s “allowed” is if your girl cheats on you with your best friend.

    But here’s the deal. You would often get these temper tantrums.

    Now, a man might call these episodes temper tantrums, but to a woman it’s called abusive. The fear she has for you is real. You are literally dangerous to her and around the world and in all time periods a woman could be killed during one of these scenes. You might never lay a hand on her, but the fear is bred in our bones as women.

    Seeing your best friend ~ she could have gone out with anyone. This act alone shows great anger towards you. You are all “even” now.

    But don’t see her again AND do something about your temper!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    #106059
    anita
    Participant

    Dear chau:

    You wrote: “ocassionally i treated her with tantrum or soemtime she thought i mistreated her or dismissed her, or possibly disrespected her. I was in fact, a very blunt person and from time to time.” Can you elaborate on the nature of your tantrums with her? Did you scream (loud voice)? What did you say, examples? Did you break things or otherwise destroy property? Did you hit her?

    And being a “blunt person” – what does it mean? Examples?

    I am attempting to understand, this is why i ask these questions.

    anita

    #106060
    Chau
    Participant

    Thanks for the replies.
    In fact we are a pair of girls. So I am a woman as well. Sorry for not explaining earlier.
    The temper tantrums during the time when we we’re together didn’t involve anything physical. But from time to time I was impatient with some of her behaviour. For example she always missed out the date that we should meet, as she was reluctant to change, say change to using an elelectronic format of scheuling,so that she would be able to rememeber even when she leaves her notebook home. She thought I didn’t accept hee enough and had not been appreciative enough
    Being blunt only means I give very direct comments, instead of trying to wrap things in another way. Say if I see something that has gone wrong U would just say so directly, instead of waiting or saying things in a separate ocassion

    #106061
    Chau
    Participant

    The massive tantrums(which did involve accusing her for the wrong doings, crying very hard and accused her for hurting me) only happened after the cheating occurred. and she was unable to hold it anymore even though she wanted to make amend, and now she accused me for inflicting the hurt by accusing her of what she did. She said I digger things out and left her wounded.
    I began to get very confused since I feel I am woronged, yet I am accused of the emotions that came out from such wrongdoing. I don’t know if I am right by saying I didn’t do that bad to make her cheat on me, but in my heart I do feel I wasn’t that bad to hee to deserve it.

    In any case, thank you very much for the feedback, I am in a very lost and disorientated state.

    #106062
    anita
    Participant

    Dear chau:

    You wrote that from time to time you were impatient with some of her behaviors: everyone gets impatient from time to time. There is no abuse in that in itself. Now, if when you got impatient with her you screamed at her and call her names, the latter behavior is abusive.

    It is reasonable to expect her to meet you when she said she will, to be on time. Again, if you screamed and called her names when she was late, the latter would be abusive.

    Giving her direct comments, communicating with her honsetly and assertively (as long as there are no yellings and using hurtful words like name calling and such)- that is not abusive either.

    Because I was abused in my childhood, I used to be afraid of people even without them abusing me, simply expecting to be abused. So it is possible, if you didn’t abuse her, that her fear of you later on was based on her experience before she met you, being afraid that you will be displeased for any reason.

    So which case is it, her fear that is? Is it based on your abuse of her or on her experience before she met you, expoerience you are not responsible for?

    anita

    #106065
    Chau
    Participant

    I didn’t call her names, may be I had looks and was not happy about some of her behaviors, but definitely not names. I always feel she is very sensitive to comments or anything that I say, which also made me quite stressful as well.
    I don’t think she was abused before, but I guess she just took my comments very seriously and was very eager to be the 100% gf to me.
    The fear became apparernt after the cheating. I did slap her when I knew she was still hiding some truth about the incident, while she said she had come clean. I regretted using any physical hurt and I didn’t apologize and promised never to happens again. It didn’t happens ever again.
    Adding up to that would be mg emotions, I was very hurt and I did accuse her of hee wrong doings, I can understand that she needs to leave to protect herself from all the pain, but it’s very difficult for me to accept that she immediately contacted my friend again and that my friend wanted to date her. I think they are now together and it hurt me a lot, it made me very hard to let go, although my ex said veey clearly that there would be no chance of getting back together

    #106066
    Chau
    Participant

    I mean I did apologize for using physical force

    #106067
    anita
    Participant

    Dear chau:

    I read your last post but before I respond to it, I have one more question for my understanding. your mention “intense anger tantrums” in your original post (” I did have quite intense temper tantrums”)- what did you mean then, by that; what does it mean to you, “intense anger tantrums”?

    anita

    #106068
    Chau
    Participant

    Meaning I would accuse her of what she did with my friend, sometime tiny things trigggered me, for example when I passed by a certain place where I suspected they did meet, I would ask her in distrustful manner. Or I would tell her sometime i could imagine them kissing and felt hurt etc. I did also have nights when I was crying and she would accompany me at night.
    They are mainly accusation on her cheating, it was quite intense initially and we did try to take small breaks in between to ease them. We did make some progress but I guess they are not totally over by the time she said she needed to leave.

    #106070
    anita
    Participant

    Dear chau:

    Then it seems to me that your guilt toward your ex girlfriend is not justified, that your desire to make amends to her does not fit with reality. It is natural for you to feel anger when cheated on, betrayed by your girlfriend and friend. It was not abusive on your part to feel angry at both, to express your anger in your tone of voice, to accuse her (she was guilty, so the accusations were not unfounded). Accdording to your sharings here, you did nothing wrong. You are not a saint, one to not feel angry when hurt. You are human and humans feel angry when hurt and express that hurt and anger.

    Your situation is that your girlfriend who cheated on you and the friend who betrayed you got together and are continuing the beginning of their relationship. This is hurtful, understandaly so. I think you need to grieve this love story you had ending in betrayal and have no contact with either one: the ex girlfriend and her now girlfriend.

    There is nothing for you to fix, to make amends for, then. Don’t you think?

    anita

    #106074
    Chau
    Participant

    Thanks for the comfort and confirmation. I am left with confusion when she said she hated me for making her go through the pain that I inflicted onto her. She thought the way that I accused her, digged details out and the tone of voice has left her wounded and she was now so hurt that she didnt know how to repair. I was empathetic and sorry that she had to go through this as well, I know no one wins in such situation and because of that, from time to time I felt I shouldn’t have expressed things like that. Or at least I should take a break to help with my own emotions before getting back together. I was not 100% into the relationship initially, and that made me wondered if I had done something wrong as well.
    Thanks for your confirmation, I think it’s her way of dealing with this break up,she did have high hopes for us yet this has gone so terribly wrong. I can understand that she needed to distract herself by having someone around as well as accusing me instead. It just hurts a lot. To a point where I cant judge normally

    #106075
    anita
    Participant

    Dear chau:

    Yes, it seems to me that indeed “It just hurts a lot. To a point where I cant judge normally.” Here is my further contribution to normal judging then: whe she cheated on you, she was 100% responsible for the acts of cheating on you, each one and all together in that period of time that she cheated on you. You have zero responsibility for that.

    Because she cheated, she is responsible for your automatic reactions to her cheating: to your hurt and your anger and the expressions of those in your tone of voice and in asking her questions about the cheating and accusing her of what she indeed is guilty of doing.

    When she said she was hurt by the consequences of her own actions, well, this is how it should be so that she will correct her behavior in the future. What is not true to reality is that you take responsibility for the pain she experiences as a result of her actions for which she is responsible for.

    I hope you heal from this abuse done to you (the cheating and the blaming afterward) and in achieving peace of mind, you will be able to judge things correctly.

    anita

    #106076
    Chau
    Participant

    hi anita, thank you. it means a lot. i have been in this chaos for a period of time and am happy to hear your insights.
    appreciate it.
    chau

    #106110
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcom, chau, and do post anytime, I will be glad to reply to you anytime.
    anita

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