Dear Anita,

Thank you so much again for your reply and your wise words.
Yes, i do have therapy actually. I was still in contact with my therapist from my home country, through skype, although irregular and i haven’t spoken with her since november, due to lack of money and then having no time and no internet in the house. But, i’ve been going to her since ten years and i feel that this kind of therapy (DGT) is not enough. Although, i must say that she has helped me a lot during those years. But i feel that now i am ready for an other kind of therapy, so i contacted a therapist here in the town, that i thought might be a good fit. I have seen him 3 times and this afternoon again. He works with mindfulness and seems to have a similar way of looking at things as me. He doesn’t care about my labels as borderline, he says that i am just a human being sitting in front of him. And he told me that he gets therapy as well, which makes me feel more confident. So even though i am feeling quite lost at the moment, and i am finding it hard to believe that this is going to make real changes, i am quite hopeful (because he is hopeful, and he is confident, out of his own experiences, that these things can really change). Still, i am aware that i have to do the work myself, but now i have support again, from somebody that i feel that can understand and is able to deal with it.

About the reason why he didn’t call me: no, that’s nothing to do with it. He has a house, he lives there with his friend, an other colleague, and i think that he would love to sleep there more often. He usually sleeps 5 days per week (on his workdays) in the hotel where he works, because they need somebody to sleep there and nobody else wants to do it. He is too good, doesn’t say no.
That day on the phone, was his day off, and the girl that usually sleeps there on his days off, wanted to go somewhere, so he had to go. He told me that he didn’t mind because she will sleep there on wednesday and thursday. Still, it bothers me that he has to sleep there so much and i don’t think he is very happy with it.
So in this case, i think you are making interpretations.
I was wondering if it was true that he had to sleep there that night, or if it was just an excuse not to have to come, but i try to be more trusting.

In relation to him not showing up, and if i should try further, or let go of it, and accept the fact that he doesn’t want to keep the contact.
A part of me feels rejected and thinks that this is clear, that he doesn’t want to meet up with me and that i should understand the message, and accept that. That he said yes on the phone because he is nice and doesn’t like to say no. And that i should let go of the people of that previous workplace, where i probably got way too attached to everybody because i don’t have anybody else in my life. That i need to focus on myself, finding hobbies to meet other people and investing more in what interests me.
An other part still wonders, i find it was just a rejection. If maybe he is also very shy and maybe also don’t know how to do that. It feels ridiculous whilst writing here actually. But it hurts, because i felt so good around him, he has been very nice and very supportive towards me and i got to like him a lot. Maybe i should just accept that it was a good contact during the worktime there. Or that he is just a very warm, kind person who is nice to people and that i have taken that more personal than it was meant. Or that he is intelligent, and does effort to get along with his colleagues because that is better for him. And that maybe in his culture where he is from, they have a different approach to people, they are nicer and being not so much lead by if they like somebody or not. Well, i don’t know all these things. What i mean is that, i got to like him a lot, and felt very supported by him, and now i am very sad that i don’t see him or can’t talk to him anymore. That hurts, and that will probably take some time, which is ok. But maybe, it would be better to tell him that. The whole year that i worked there, i have been running away from him, avoiding him, often not responding when he was initiating contact, but starting about something stupid about work. I have also created a certain image about myself like that. Because i was afraid and anxious. Imagine that it could be true and that he indeed does like me, then i think my behaviour was quite awful. For myself i think it might be good to tell him, that i like him, that i am grateful to have met him and for all his support, and that i miss him. And that i find it hard to let somebody come closer, even though i felt really close around him. That i felt so frustrated that i always ran away or started about work, while i only wanted the opposite. Something like that. I think that might be good for me, to learn to be more open and honest with people that i care about. and to help me, to let go of it. But maybe also towards him, to explain him why i always behaved like that and what i lovely person that i find him. Maybe he doesn’t care about hearing all of that, and i would be boring him, and he would be annoyed or find me an idiot. But, maybe i need to take that risk to say what is on my heart and risk looking like a fool.
With him, i felt it was always a struggle, inside myself, to choose for love or for fear. The fear to act normal to him, while all my beliefs said that i was just a stupid cleaning lady, who works to slow and has to do the cleaning work because whe is not good enough for anything else. The fear of my beliefs that say that i am not good enough, that somebody so lovely as he wouldn’t want to be near somebody so stupid and annoying as me. Writing this, it seems obvious that this can not be reality, but i will need some time to truly work on those ideas – which i think will happen, i am wanting it more and i have found a good therapist. That was the fear. And the love was just all the warmth that i felt for him, and to try to talk to him or to smile at him. I felt that i usually was hiding in the fear (he was a supergood worker, he is the only one who does all the jobs in the hotel, and is superfast, so i would always tell myself that he looks down on me, that i need to become superfast and maybe then he will think differently about me), and that he was starting the contact and helping me to act like a normal human being. Maybe that was not personal towards me, maybe that is just the way he is.
Ok, i am getting it messed up with this text, it probably looks very messy. But i still write it because it seems to help me to become more motivated to actually do say it at some point, and maybe somebody has some insights if this would be a good idea or not.

I’m not sure why i wrote this above about the fear and the love. I think it was a big struggle for me to act normal with somebody that i like so much. I am so sad because of the feeling that i messed it up again. I try to tell myself, i was just a colleague for him whom he say had some difficulties, and he tried to be supportive. But for me, he was a human begin with whom i felt a profound connection in a way that i usually don’t feel with people.
Maybe i should stop writing about it and just either say something to him or not and move on. If i say it, it will take a few minutes and in the worst case i make myself look like a complete fool. But then, is that the worst thing in life? Then i can probably be more happy with myself because i have done what my heart wants to do. Choosing for myself and caring for myself instead of feeling desperate about a man, missing a man, and hoping for more contact, and waiting in vain. I totally agree with that. But i think, choosing for myself, in this situation might also mean that i choose to express something, instead of keeping to lock myself up. So i guess i should try it. I don’t think i will phone him, maybe i have to wait until i meet him on the street or something, and can hope that the universe will help a bit in that to put us together in a good moment.

Ok, sorry for all the rambling, it seems that i am using this writing to collect my thoughts and that i am writing too much. I don’t know. I’ll post it anyway.