Dear Anita,

First of all, sorry to hear you were sick, and thank you for still taking the effort to write here that you would reply later. You are so kind and considerate. I hope you are better now.

Yes, the therapist. I still have my doubts about it. Even though i think i need it, it’s a lot of money and money is hard coming in… But i’ll give it a chance because i need to do something.
This emotional time about my colleague has made it again clear, how destructive i am towards myself. How hard and rigid i am towards myself, and how impossible i make my life for myself.

Ok, i had a very nice feeling with this guy and i am missing him, that hurts and i think i have to allow that pain and sadness to be felt, instead of running away from it, like i usually do.
What also hurts, is that i was working with him for a year (we didn’t see each other everyday, and in the winter we didn’t see each other for some months, and the last months we saw each other almost daily and we worked together for 2 nights per day), and all of this time, i kept running away from him, i had such a huge difficulty to let him come closer, i did a lot of pushing away on these little moments where he was just making a nice contact. That is also what hurts me, and what makes me sad. The self-sabotaging of pushing nice people away, of not knowing how to allow myself to be close and real with people that i connect with, and not knowing how to just enjoy that connection.
I did make some effort to change that, and we did have some nice times as well, so i think i did make a litle bit of progress. But still, not like i would like it to be. Something i need to learn from, to learn to be nicer to myself, so that the next time maybe i can manage a little bit better.

The fact that he didn’t come, yes it doesn’t feel very good. I don’t know why he didn’t come, of course.
But i can’t be too judgmental, looking at the fact how i would, for most of the time, trying to get closer and then run away or push away again. I didn’t act too normal or healthy either. In the last week of work, after my notice, i barely spoke to him anymore (because i was overwhelmed with sadness about not seeing him anymore), neither did he. I would have liked to ask him then, if he would like to stay in contact, but i didn’t. I just left and said ‘seey you’. And then suddenly, 2 weeks later i phone him and ask him over for tea. That might be a bit strange as well.
It might be that he is not interested – which is probably the case.

Anyway. I sent him a text yesterday, that i didn’t hear from him Tuesday, that i would have liked to keep in touch, but it seemed like he didn’t want, so i won’t annoy him anymore. That he is always welcome if he wants to say hi, in the hostel or in the shop. And that i wish him all the best, that it was very nice to work with him.
And i think, now i have to let go of it.
Just after sending that text, i felt my emotions going up, fear, embarresment, anger (because i already imagined that they would be having a good laugh about me and seeing me as a stupid ridiculous little girl…), so i phoned to that phoneline again, to look for some help to see things in perspective.
She helped me to see that i am actually very strong, living in a foreign country without anybody, and i keep going, with so much difficulties. She also said that she thaught that text was ok. And i guess i think so as well, apart from all my fears and feelings that it looked ridiculous or pathetic. I expressed something of disappointment about him not showing up. I left the door open if he would like to meet again – which of course, i would still hope, i can’t just let go of missing him immediately. And i expressed some appreciation and good wishes – i feel that people could see that as pathetic, but i guess that would be very strange.
I feel that i was imposing or ridiculous with sending this text, or that is what i am afraid of that they will think about me. But i guess i did what felt right for me, honestly expressing that i would have liked to keep in touch and expressing that i enjoyed working with him. That is something that i wanted to say to him anyway.

So, now i need to let go of it, and start focusing on myself again. Getting used to my new job, and finding nice things to do for now and where i can meet nice people (i phoned finally to a teacher in the yoga centre, that holds classes about mindfulness, apparantly the meditate together, and listen to a podcast about mindfulness, and have a little break in between, which sounds exactly what i could use, so i will go for the first time this evening), and start to think about going to school again.
I want to be grateful that i met this lovely person, and i wish him all good, but i shouldn’t keep hoping for further contact. And i need to stop feeling bad about leaving that workplace because of missing him. For some reasons i decided to leave that job, so now it is time to use that in a positive way. I feel a lot better having some contact with costumers and i feel that does more for my self-worth (even though, my self-worth shouldn’t be dependent on that..). If a friendship was or is meant to be, maybe it will, but i will stop hoping for it. I guess people come in our lives to teach us something, and to help us along, and i will try to learn some things from meeting him.

I’m still hoping to become a bit more active on this site, but there are only 24 hours in the day, and right now i want to take some more time for myself, relaxing and doing positive things, away from the computer.

Thank you very much Anita, for your support. You have helped me to take the phone and ask this, and to be real, and i think i will remember this, the next time that i might meet somebody nice 🙂