Dear Anita,

Ok, thank you, so I will write in my thread without re-reading if something you said needs a reply 🙂

About the tent: well, some people tell me that i need a house to live in. And I think: i should just tidy it a bit and then it will be much nicer. But, the way I feel it at the moment: the tent makes that i don’t really have a space to live in comfortable, and not a space to hide myself in. And i am so upset these days, so exhausted and emotionally desperate. It might be good this way because it makes it a bit easier to seek or accept support from other people. Because I am crying so much and can’t hide it. Today a nice girl came to me and gave me a hug, and i sat down with her and talked with her for a few moments. That might be much more valuable then having a nice appartment for myself. Ok, if i had an appartment, maybe i had more space to take care of myself more, practise more self-compassion and do things for myself, but now i am actually showing myself in the state that i feel so broken and lost, and accepting their support. That is something new, and might be good. Because i feel most desperate about the huge distance between me and other people.

Today i felt awful, i find it difficult to be with them. I wonder if i am too demanding, if i expect too much from my father. As if the world revolves around me and all the attention needs to go to me. But maybe it is the opposite, i feel that it is so distant and cold, and i find it hard to deal with. I find it hard to get some attention, to be heard and i don’t know if that is normal.
This noon, after having a coffee, i said that i was tired and wanted to go home and rest for an hour. Because i felt so drained from being with them. So that was a good reaction, to take some time for myself and give myself a little bit of space. And this evening, in the restaurant, after we’d finished eating and were just sitting there, nobody saying anything, looking around in silence, i had already gone outside a few times. I said that i wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go home. I don’t think it was nice to do, because they still went to the bar without me, but, ok, i found it so hard to deal with the atmosphere there, that i took care of myself. Instead of them.

And to come back to the reason why i started this topic.
Haha, i caught a glimpse of him today, when we were sitting on a terrace and he was walking in our direction (and then crossed the street). And i wished i could just go to him, smile and hug him, and talk with him.
I wonder, what do i feel for him, do i really like him or is it a need, is it an attachment. Or is it projection, because i saw some signals that i interpreted als interest towards me, and because he was so nice towards me, that i started to like him. But that’s not entirely true, he is a very sensitive person, and i can’t remember ever feeling so light and so calm around somebody. That is maybe more valuable than not having had many conversations with him – i have to respect that connection and not playing him down.
I have tried something – maybe clumsy and different than i would have wanted it – to make some contact, without really reply. If i was a different person, with more self-regard, i might do more effort, insisting more. But, i guess i have to respect the huge insecurity about myself, and that i am afraid to impose myself, the feeling that i don’t have anything to offer (even thought it might be untrue, this is how i feel), so i stop making contact. My head is still too busy looking for explanations about what he things about me, that i have messed it up, that he always acted towards me. That is not healthy.

I feel that it is only the past few days that i am a little bit calmer about him. Seeing that missing him and longing for him so much is not going to help at all. That i have to let it go – nice expressiong but how do you do that?
I have asked the universe that i still hope to have some contact, to have the chance to talk about some things with him, or give him a hug like i have wanted for so long. To see him again. But, myself, i will have to focus again on the person that matters the most in my life: myself. I have neglected myself quite a bit, and that is why i am so low now.

My collegue gave me some things, a way of contact, a feeling together, a feeling of being seen, a feeling that i mattered and i can be grateful for that.
And i learned some things from it. I learned, that i need to change the pattern of pushing people away. I am already doing effort to work on it, here with people in the hostel. NOw with the visit of my father, i can see that i reacted towards this guy, in a very similar way as my father does towards me. That is very painful.
And frustrating as well, because i don’t and didn’t want to react like that. I feel i messed it up with him. So i guess, if i try to see it positive, this was a good lesson, to what i want to change in myself. This pushing people away is not only with him of course, but him it was the most painful. I do it also with other people, and that is why i don’t have friends. And now with the visit of my father, it shows me quite clearly why i am so stuck with other people.
So it is probably a good experience, it gives me the opportunity to work on something, something that i really want to change, and the pain is hopefully a good motivation to really do some effort.
And that i need to stop thinking so much, and to feel in the moment. Because that is also what blocked our contact.
Missing him.. Ok that will take some time and i will need to learn to feel those feeling, with the mindfulness practice.
It might be more an image that i was putting about him, than really missing who he is, since i don’t know him.
No, i want to give myself the right to miss somebody instead of downgrading it by analyzing.

I just want to remind myself, that there are more nice people. That it will be possible to meet other men where i feel good with, that he is not the only one. How much that i would have liked to become i bit closer with him (as friends or more), i hope that i will meet other men where i feel good around. To be around him and just being able to relax completely, and being able to think a bit more easily, that was very nice to experience. But it can’t be that he is the only man in the world, where i will feel like that. It will probably be good for me to meet more different people. Now i feel too exhausted to feel anything anymore, expect despair.

But, just like i need to stop longing to get emotional support from my father (which is easier to know mentally than emotionally), i need to stop longing for my ex-colleague (the same between brackets, easy to know with my mind than with my feeling, will come with time). And stop wishing that i was still working there, and being around him. This emotional crisis is probably good, because now i have the chance again, to confront and heal some things inside of myself.

I think i just need a bit of rest, from all these emotions. It’s been a bit too much, the past weeks.