Hello hello, here I am again. Full moon always moves me somehow. @Brav3 absolutely welcome to join as well 🙂

Conflicts with parents always trigger me the pains from the heartbeak. Yes I suppose I am coming along together well and faster than I thought- but once in a while I fall apart. Like today. Something triggered it and then somehow (though I’ve blocked him and deleted him from everywhere) I’ve come across old fb messages between us – probably an unfortunate FB bug, but I was of course digging it. Idk why we make ourselves suffer sometimes anyway. So i read lots of old messages of our last months together. All my suffering was there: of having broken up with him, of regretting, of still loving him, and him using my weakness as an advantage to manipulate me specially in the very end. But there was also the good part of us somewhere between these messages. Our good parts -our love, though as sick and wrong as it was- was there somehow. We still loved each other. Dumb me read everything back again and I fell apart, cried, tears and more tears.

I’ve been rejected so far in every PhD program abroad I’ve applied. There are still 3 chances, I’m trying to find more energy not to give up. But hurts somehow how the fact that I wanted to move abroad and get a PhD was one of the main reasons of the breakup (apart from the fact he didn’t treat me as I deserved and everything else that has been talked about here over and over). So that kind of feels like a failure of all sorts. Sometimes I swear I wish could go back in time and fix the un-fixable.

I really thought my PhD dream was gonna come true, but anyway. I feel stuck and suffocated living with my dad.

As to the person I’ve been going out with – I can’t feel anything about him. Not ready and open to give my heart out. I think I still need time to come together, though I’ve done quite well. There’s more growing to do and more thinking and more planning.

love
C