Dear nickersd:

I re-read your first two posts and the most recent. It seems clear to me, the situation, not tough to see what is clearly there: your husband suffers from anxiety, ongoing distress, more so in the last few weeks. This is why he is forgetful- that happens when we are anxious, distressed. His difficulty with accomplishing simple tasks, same thing: that is what happens when one is distressed. So he is trying to keep his head above water, is in a survival mode himself, and so, understandably (and unfortunately for you) he doesn’t have the calm required to help you.

You met at rowing, you mean the sport?

Then the two of you started dating when he was 40 and you were 31. And I suppose it is his first marriage and his first child. Obviously having a child is distressing him, no doubt. I met people in their 40s-50s who said that if they had babies now, they wouldn’t be able to do it, that they were able to do it in their 20s/ early 30s, but wouldn’t have the patience or energy later in life. He was 43 or so when your son was born.

So although his work load is the same as before, the daily grind of having an active toddler is wearing him out. It is not suiting him so far, being a father to a toddler. I suppose he wants the quiet life he had before, coming home, watching TV, relaxing. And his health problems and getting older likely taking a toll on him.

He doesn’t want to talk about his feelings because he is trying to keep his awareness away from his distress, trying to ignore it the best he can. Talking about his feelings will require him to be aware- as he talks- of how uncomfortable he feels so much of the time. He prefers to.. forget about it, best he can.

And he can’t embrace the chaos outside of him because he is threatened by the chaos (the anxiety, distress) inside of him. He can’t see the magic in life because he functions on a survival mode, keeping his head above water.

What to do, I ask myself. If I was you, that is…I would have to let go of my expectations (the title of your thread) and accept the reality that is in front of me. It is often not fair and not just but rejecting it will only bring more misery. Accepting reality brings relief and makes for a better life. First you accept what-is, then you get clarity regarding what you can do, or not do.

I wouldn’t pressure him at all to talk about his feelings: he can’t handle talking about his feelings, too distressing for him. What I would do instead is talk about setting a routine schedule for him where it is his job every day, let’s say, to prepare those bottles for day care. His job, every day. This way he gets used to the job, knows where to find the bottles (leave them at the same place for him to find- that would be your job), wash them, if that place is the sink, and prepare them. The task being the same daily will take away from the overwhelming part of it, for him. He can do it automatically that way, routinely. Figure out the other tasks you want him to do and present them for him in the same way, a routine for him, tasks he can do the same way every day.

Watch out for him raising his voice at your son and otherwise expressing his distress at your son. This is not acceptable as it will hurt your child. This is not to be compromised with. In fact, he must not mistreat you as well. This too is not for compromise. Do assert yourself in these two areas as they are the most important.

Outside the routine tasks, when he comes back from work and otherwise, let him relax in front of the TV and otherwise. He needs it. Let him sleep. Sure it would have been nice if he was calm and strong but it is not the case. He would have preferred it himself, to be calm. He is not simply choosing to be anxious, he is.

What do you think so far?

anita