Dear hopeful33:

Yes, I do believe that that email was his way of putting a mental closure on the whole thing, and that part of him believed what he was actually writing at that time, just like you phrased it. That was his way to move on (with his mother’s plan) with minimal resistance, minimal friction, minimal distress for him.

What you saw in the photos is most likely true to reality. First Arranged Marriages have nothing to do with love, with intimacy… with anything other than the couple following their parents’ plans, just like your ex. Then knowing your ex had serious plans for spending the rest of his life with you; knowing his mother worked very hard to turn him away from his plans, knowing he was very distressed for a long time, being under her pressure… this distress he felt day in and day out is not the… breeding ground for a love story with another woman.

As to your questions: “how he can live such a lie and not crack – how do people do that? Is it even possible to do that? To convince yourself that what you’re doing is the right thing even when in your heart you know it isn’t?” I like questions like these, enjoy trying to answer them. So trying right now…:

At times he is trying to convince himself (just like he did writing the email)- it may work for a short while; it may stop working. Then, like you wrote in your latest post: he most likely “numbed himself and is going through the motions.”

That is probably what you saw in the photos: him being spaced out, numb, not present, distant, as if he is not there.

How can people live such a lie? People do that all the time and not just in the context of an arranged marriage. It is most often done in the context of one’s relationship with one’s parents. Your ex is living a lie not only with his arranged wife but with his mother. Every time he sees her, he sees a woman who severely harmed him. And yet he behaves as nicely as you can with his mother while in his heart he is angry at her.

Unfortunately for him, knowing in his heart what he knows, he will suffer depression, often numb, other times distressed, going with the motions of life like an automation. So it is possible for people to do that (your question)- only they pay a heavy price, very heavy.

Back to you now, I imagine you will no longer get involved with a man from a culture that practices cultural exclusion and arranged marriages, so not to repeat the same situation. I think it is very realistic for you to rest in knowing that indeed he loved you very much. Take this knowing with you as you move on. And do post anytime.

anita