Home→Forums→Relationships→I'm worthless and I'm tired of being alone→Reply To: I'm worthless and I'm tired of being alone
Hi weepingdragon. I’m sorry you are going through an awful time in your life and seem to have been for a while now.
First off, I apologize, I have not read the entire thread as I am at work atm, but I just had to reply so I may say something or ask something you have already covered. 🙂
Regarding you feeling like you are inferior to others and feeling like you are unlovable, even though some human monsters out there have love, I think that feeling in itself is holding you back.
You are not unlovable, but sometimes when we think so strongly about something, about ourselves, it can seem like it becomes the only truth. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You feel so unworthy and so much hate for yourself that in your interactions with others, this is what you are projecting, whether you realize it or not. People can tell a lot about you at times just by how you phrase things or you body language. Loving yourself and having some self confidence won’t solve everything, but it can help some things.
I have a friend similar to you, but she actually tells people how unlovable she is and is often complaining of her awful lot in life (thought she has been very blessed). Honestly, people don’t want to hear that. If they hear you yourself saying those things, then they will just believe it too and not give you a chance. You are worth it, but no one can force you to believe it…only you can make yourself realize it. From what I have read though, you are not actively telling everyone and anyone your plight, so that is a good start.
Also, where are you looking for potential friends or girlfriends? Do you have hobbies? What really lights you up and makes you lose track of time? When you find what you like to do, see if you can find a group, forum, class, or even a store where the hobbies you enjoy are at and where it’s talked about. I know it’s hard to talk to people, I’m a big introvert, so doing this online may be a good first step. Talk (type) to these people that like the same things as you do. You never know who you may find. Sometimes you find friends and girlfriends/boyfriends when you really aren’t looking at all. I myself found several good online friends just by liking some posts on fanficion sites and posting reviews.
At least if you go where there are other people that like the same thing(s), that first hurdle of awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about is gone. You already have that ice breaker and if you like/are passionate about the same things, you already have that “hook” to snag other people to talk to. 🙂
You are worth it, you just have to realize it and yes, it’s easier to say than do sometimes. But you are alive right now and you do have the ability to meet/talk to people. We all have limited time on this earth, use it while you can and don’t have expectations about interactions, just go with an open mind. If they want to chat, great, but if that don’t that’s ok too, there are a ton of people and friends out there for you…you just haven’t met them yet.
Also, you seem to think that these couples and people you see all smiles in relationship and even those bad people that have people that love them, you assume they are happy. Just remember, a smile can hide a lot and you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. No one is perfect and living a blissful, no troubles, no fears, no problems life, though it may look like it from the outside.
You say you’d like at least to have someone mistreat you so at least you have someone interested in you. Trust me, you do not want that…ever. You think how you feel is bad now? Think of how bad you’ll feel if you have an abuser telling you the same things you feel about yourself over and over, it would be double the agony and hate you feel for yourself now. I have depression, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality disorder and yes it’s hard as heck to just be sometimes, but having someone hurt you just to feel loved is not the right way to go. You won’t feel loved and you won’t feel “at least I have this” when they are hitting you or calling you names. You are worth more than that, don’t make yourself a victim of someone else’s sickness.
Hugs and well wishes.