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I'm worthless and I'm tired of being alone

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  • #109012
    John
    Participant

    If I’m better than why am I alone? Why can’t I attract someone but they can? Why are they always the superior choice to me? What’s so wrong with me that I’m incapable of finding love? If I’m better than they are I should have the same luck- no BETTER luck at finding love than they do. Heck, I should be able to actually find and nurture love rather than conning and manipulating some poor person into staying with me when they should leave.

    Why can’t I do that? Why am I not good enough for anyone? My mother sent me away because I was broken, my family keeps me at arms length because they have no desire to show me compassion why am I the one who doesn’t deserve love when everyone else is so callous? Nothing in life os random. Everything has a rhyme and reason to it. Everything has a deliberate beginning and end and cause and effect. The universe is not random, it ia founded on order abd reason. Why am I alone and devoid of love if I legitimately am worthy of it? Why are people who are utterly despicable capable of attaining what I can’t? If I’m better than them reality should reflect that assessment but it doesn’t. Why?

    Why won’t anyone let me love them? Why aren’t I good enough for anyone?

    #109020
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear weepingdragon719:

    Maybe you are too angry to be loved by anyone. You’ve been angry at every post on this thread.

    You wrote that other men with Asperger who are “less functioning than I am and they have been in relationships. Why can can all of these other people who are depressed, anxious and have Asperger’s all all find love and not me?”

    Because you are perpetually angry. It is scary to love an angry person. An angry person is ready to fight, to hurt another. So people stay away.

    It is the angry dragon that keeps people away.

    anita

    #109060
    Lorraine
    Participant

    This probably won’t help, but my overwhelming feeling is not that there is something wrong with you or you have nothing to offer but that you find the world a bit hard at times (it is, at times) because you are a decent person, and that you likely have a beautiful personality to people someone like me. You say ““No one will love you because you do not have the qualities other people value”, well, I value kindness, as do many others, and the more people you talk to, the more likely it is you will find someone as nice as you are, and you will understand each other and that will be it. You don’t have to be an ‘aplha’ or protector as you put it – to women that were beaten or abused by their macho fathers, a gentle, kind man with a heart is a million times more preferable. It’s hard to find someone else who feels like you because, in general conversation, people don’t open up like that to people they don’t know well – you could work with someone with the same feelings as you, but they seem hard and aloof because they too think they are the only one like this. So try get to know more people better and maybe you will find someone who sees what I can. Look in the right place though – somewhere you may find like-minded people. I tried Meetup groups for things like volunteering in a homeless shelter and meditation groups.

    #109074
    Icy
    Participant

    Hi weepingdragon. I’m sorry you are going through an awful time in your life and seem to have been for a while now.

    First off, I apologize, I have not read the entire thread as I am at work atm, but I just had to reply so I may say something or ask something you have already covered. 🙂

    Regarding you feeling like you are inferior to others and feeling like you are unlovable, even though some human monsters out there have love, I think that feeling in itself is holding you back.

    You are not unlovable, but sometimes when we think so strongly about something, about ourselves, it can seem like it becomes the only truth. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. You feel so unworthy and so much hate for yourself that in your interactions with others, this is what you are projecting, whether you realize it or not. People can tell a lot about you at times just by how you phrase things or you body language. Loving yourself and having some self confidence won’t solve everything, but it can help some things.

    I have a friend similar to you, but she actually tells people how unlovable she is and is often complaining of her awful lot in life (thought she has been very blessed). Honestly, people don’t want to hear that. If they hear you yourself saying those things, then they will just believe it too and not give you a chance. You are worth it, but no one can force you to believe it…only you can make yourself realize it. From what I have read though, you are not actively telling everyone and anyone your plight, so that is a good start.

    Also, where are you looking for potential friends or girlfriends? Do you have hobbies? What really lights you up and makes you lose track of time? When you find what you like to do, see if you can find a group, forum, class, or even a store where the hobbies you enjoy are at and where it’s talked about. I know it’s hard to talk to people, I’m a big introvert, so doing this online may be a good first step. Talk (type) to these people that like the same things as you do. You never know who you may find. Sometimes you find friends and girlfriends/boyfriends when you really aren’t looking at all. I myself found several good online friends just by liking some posts on fanficion sites and posting reviews.

    At least if you go where there are other people that like the same thing(s), that first hurdle of awkwardness of not knowing what to talk about is gone. You already have that ice breaker and if you like/are passionate about the same things, you already have that “hook” to snag other people to talk to. 🙂

    You are worth it, you just have to realize it and yes, it’s easier to say than do sometimes. But you are alive right now and you do have the ability to meet/talk to people. We all have limited time on this earth, use it while you can and don’t have expectations about interactions, just go with an open mind. If they want to chat, great, but if that don’t that’s ok too, there are a ton of people and friends out there for you…you just haven’t met them yet.

    Also, you seem to think that these couples and people you see all smiles in relationship and even those bad people that have people that love them, you assume they are happy. Just remember, a smile can hide a lot and you don’t know what happens behind closed doors. No one is perfect and living a blissful, no troubles, no fears, no problems life, though it may look like it from the outside.

    You say you’d like at least to have someone mistreat you so at least you have someone interested in you. Trust me, you do not want that…ever. You think how you feel is bad now? Think of how bad you’ll feel if you have an abuser telling you the same things you feel about yourself over and over, it would be double the agony and hate you feel for yourself now. I have depression, anxiety, OCD, and borderline personality disorder and yes it’s hard as heck to just be sometimes, but having someone hurt you just to feel loved is not the right way to go. You won’t feel loved and you won’t feel “at least I have this” when they are hitting you or calling you names. You are worth more than that, don’t make yourself a victim of someone else’s sickness.

    Hugs and well wishes.

    #109175
    John
    Participant

    I go to the meetups. I do all of the things everyone keeps suggesting. Other people have luck with these opportunities. Not me.
    I’m not perpetually angry but I am in day 4 of a 4 day long panic attack that isn’t going anywhere at the moment. But I know plenty of people who are perceptually angry who have someone in their lives. I know people who are fatter and uglier than who are desirable and have love. I know people who are far crueler and angrier than I who have someone in their lives. I know people who are literally suicidal who have someone else who loves them. It is clear to me that none of the above, not being skinny, or attractive or calm or even loving yourself is in any way a prerequisite for love. So why does everyone keep insisting that it is?

    The problem is not that I’m angry because angry and abusive people can find someone to love them, even though they don’t deserve it. he problem is not that I’m overweight because people far fatter than I can find someone who finds them attractive (beautiful people, at that). The problem is not that I do not love myself because people who suffer from depression and insecurities and who are suicidal are perfectly capable of finding love. I put my self out there CONSTANTLY I put in all of the leg work but it doesn’t amount to ANYTHING. There must be something else that’s deeply and grossly wrong with me. There must be something about me that’s so glaringly and obviously wrong with me that it makes me less desirable than a wife beater or someone who treats their partner like a trophy or someone who is racist or sexist or a jobless loser or ALL of those other people who are capable of finding love while I’m not. Why else would I have less luck at finding love than all of those people? All of these rules and stipulations people keep throwing around can’t only apply to me. There must be something else, something far worse and far more terrible that makes me unlovable.

    #109179
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear weepingdragon:

    In the ongoing quest of finding that “something else, something far worse and far more terrible that makes (you) unlovable” on page three of this thread, following all that has been suggested and your insistence that no one has come close to the answer, I am not giving up on the quest.

    A curse of some sort, could it be a curse, a spell put on you by an evil entity?

    anita

    #109269
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Monsters tend to be very good at manipulating people. Psychopaths are very good at telling you what you want to hear. They are very good at control too. Works really well with naive and gullible targets. Once they get said targets in some sort of relationship, they use mental, physical, and even sexual abuse to keep them there.

    You mentioned Hitler and his “wife” of ~24 hours Ms. Braun. Remember that for a few years, Hitler was the most powerful man Europe. People are attracted to power. There were other dynamics at play too. Ultimately, she really didn’t have much of a choice in the end game. Notice that Hitler never married her until the very end. What do you think would have happened to her if she had been captured?

    Anita is right too that people think they can change their partner. Maybe if I loved him more, he would stop beating me. That sort of stuff. Some folks are attracted to problem people because they see them as projects.

    #109277
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear weeping dragon,

    The simple fact is people have all kinds of shit going on in their lives, feel alone and hurt at several points. You aren’t the only one. However you whine way too much and are in no mood to take any feedback from the people who have bothered to write to you and tried to understand. I am sorry but if you even don’t like yourself one bit, your negative, self pity vibe will be visible to others and they will like you lesser still. You are under some delusion that love with a woman will fix things – sorry, but your issues are something only you can fix. Others can only help if you let them. But you aren’t ready for that and have a defensive record ready. Even if anyone cared, I doubt you will see it fully. The hard truth is it is your life at the end of the day – your dad is gone, they shut you away at 5 – that is hard but these are things you can’t change now. What you can change is your mindset and approach – this wallowing in self hatred and self pity isn’t going to get you anywhere. Go see a therapist.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Nina Sakura.
    #109291
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear weepingdragon:

    You wrote in your last post above: “I’m not perpetually angry but I am in day 4 of a 4 day long panic attack that isn’t going anywhere at the moment. But I know plenty of people who are perceptually angry who have someone in their lives.”

    What you stated, that you are on “day 4 of a 4 day long panic attack that isn’t going anywhere at the moment”- is not true and cannot possibly be true, factual. A panic attack cannot possibly last 4 days or even one day. The brain and the body cannot handle intense fear for longer than a very short time, moments maybe. It simply isn’t possible.

    So you exaggerate to make your point here; you stretch the truth as far as you can.

    You also wrote in this thread that you have a steady job. Having a steady job is not congruent with days long extreme distress of any kind.

    And then some people would say (taking your line of thinking)- what does he have to complain about? He has a steady job while I can’t hold a job for longer than a week, if that long…

    Your exaggerating makes we wonder where else it is expressed here, on your thread. I am sure you had a bad childhood, no doubt about that. But you may be exaggerating it as well. Again, it was bad enough but you may feel the need to exaggerate it too. So I don’t trust you to tell me the truth here. Not so far.

    Back to my quote on this very post, a quote of you: ” I know plenty of people who are perceptually angry who have someone in their lives.”

    Well, perpetually angry people should not have someone in their lives, someone to suffer from their anger. The fact that you are not considering healing your hurt and anger before you aim at a relationship and starting a family, but want a partner and … children while keeping your perpetual anger going (if you at all consider yourself perpetually angry) is very worrisome.

    Please heal your hurt and anger FIRST.

    anita

    #109426
    John
    Participant

    I’ve worked on helping and healing myself for 25 years. Constant therapy. On meds and off meds and different meds. I’ve been alone nearly all of my life. Few friends, never a girlfriend, sent away wheb I was very young and in and out out of inpatient treatment for my entire childhood.

    I feel alone. I feel rejected. I am both of those things. Having another human being who loves, who really deeply loves me is the only thing in life I want. The thought that maybe someday I will find someone is the one and only reason I haven’t decided to kill myself. Finding real love isn’t just the only reason I have to ne alive but it is also something I should bot have to give up on. Because if I have to give up on never being loved and I have to accept I’ll never be loved then everything I fear about myself is true. I truely am unwanted abd lovable. I truely am worthless. My species and their society truely does place zero value in me and view me or otherwise views my presence as that of an outside invader. Being alone is and being unlovable is proof that I am unworthy to be alive. It ia proof that society has rejected my existence and who I am. If I can’t expect to find love and I have to admit it is simply beyond my reach because I’m not good enough for it then I’m admitting defeat and I’m admitting I’m not welcomed to be part of my species and that they have rejected my existence.

    I have not given up yet. I refuse to believe I am truely unlovable. But the second I determine I will suffer alone forever I will be sure to cancel my subscription to life because I will not force myself to suffer.

    #109427
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear weepingdragon:

    I hope you find a way to love and be loved by another person. I know you were born lovable and loving- I have no doubt about that. Somehow along the way you lost faith in love, and understandably, I am sure, due to bad experience. And somehow along the way, you stopped being loving, you stopped listening to others (like those responding to you here), you became very rigid and very jaded and closed.

    I hope things will change for you, that you will heal and then become softer, open and available to love and be loved- the way you were… in the beginning.

    You are welcome to post again anytime. If you post with nothing new but the same old same old “I am unlovable, worthless and nothing anyone can say will make a difference” message, then I will not say anything anymore, because indeed, as you expressed clearly, nothing I say will make a difference for you.

    If you do post again, I will read your post and if there is something new, some openness, I will respond, otherwise, my best wishes to you.
    anita

    #109437
    keine
    Participant

    Hi weepingdragon–

    I am wondering…are you still receiving treatment (I mean REAL treatment, not being locked away) for your depression and anxiety? Depression and anxiety will distort your perceptions of yourself and those around you. (This I know firsthand, having struggled with depression for nearly 40 years.) It causes pain, and makes the positive things that “normal” people take for granted, like being happy, having loving relationships, and caring for themselves seem impossible. I am hearing the depression speaking loud and clear in your posts. I don’t think that is who you really are.

    I see a guy who is trying hard to be a good person (not just “likeable”, but a decent human being), and who is grieving a great loss. Neither of those two things are easy to deal with. I don’t see a monster, or someone who is flawed or worthless. You’re hurting.

    Maybe this doesn’t really answer the basic question that you’re asking–why you can’t find a loving partner, and how to overcome that particular hurdle. What I wanted to emphasize was that you ARE worthwhile. You deserve happiness and peace. It so happens that you have conditions which make life challenging for you, to say the least. That isn’t your fault.

    If you haven’t already, talk to a mental health professional who can address the depression and anxiety. You are worth it.

    #109646
    Shae03
    Participant

    Hey mate,
    I really hope you find the change of perspective your looking for. I can see your struggle to articulate and communicate on here, due to your Aspergers. I think this is the big hurdle you need to face.. This may sound ridiculous, but I think you should research theatre and acting, there are lots of studies that have show participation has really helped people on the ASD to clarify their communication skills and understanding of body language. I think I remember reading you mentioning that to be something you struggle with.
    Honestly, I think that’s where you need to go to next. Building that confidence in social situations, and confidence in social situations.
    Have you been to therapy specifically for your autism? Or do you still do it?

    #110508
    Sneetchy
    Participant

    You mentioned you are on OKCupid, and that you were willing to give out your username for critiques. I think I read some posts of yours in the OKCupid Forum – or else someone who writes just like you. I have a couple of comments, and then a suggestion — a proposed experiment.

    I think online dating is a great medium for you, because you write so well. You don’t just “write well” — you express yourself well, too. Many people can do one, but not the other. If you’re less able to express yourself in person that online, maybe you could start with online relationships, that may or may not ever go into the real world. I know you’re in a hurry, but the fact is, you’re unlikely to marry the first person you ever go on a date with. That’s true for all of us. Even if you do “deserve” something, that’s no guarantee you’ll get it, and it doesn’t mean you won’t have to work for it. So let’s get you on the road to some eventual first dates.

    I have sort of a silly profile on there (www.okcupid.com/profile/vankadadanka) — maybe it will just irritate you, I don’t know. But I think you should write me, and we can write back and forth, and I’ll tell you where I think you might go wrong. We could discuss some profiles you like or don’t like, too, and see what your approach is. Does that sound worthwhile to you?

    I do want to say, though, that you seem quite unwilling to really consider new ideas or change your approach or your thinking. You keep mentioning people who don’t deserve love who have love. Well, so what? That shows you that being deserving is neither a requirement nor a guarantee for finding love, so there’s no point in dwelling on it. I think you need to acknowledge that there is something you are doing that is not working, and that you’ll have to change something. Will you be open to that? Even if you’re right about something and the world is wrong, pragmatically speaking, you may have to try what you’re sure is the “wrong way.” The world will not be changing for you, you will have to change for it.

    And one more thought here. You talk about what you need and want and deserve. If there’s someone out there for you, she will also want and need and deserve love. This love will have to come from you. Everything you want to come into your life will have to be provided by you for that other person. And she won’t be your perfect person at all. She will be flawed – you’ll have to accept flaws that are different from yours, flaws that annoy you, and try to love her anyway, because that is what you are asking of her too.
    I don’t know your user name, so write enough that I can tell it’s you. (Not just “Hey” or “Hello”) And I have this feeling that you do not smile in any of your photos. You MUST smile in some photos.

    Hope to hear from you soon, either here or there!

    #197017
    Sohini
    Participant

    Hi John,

     

    I can relate to what you are saying. Can you tell me what even for the tiniest bit in your life makes you happy? It could be the sight of the setting sun, or the smell of the wet earth or a delicious food. Whatever it is can you recall?

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