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    Hello Wishing…

    I have a couple of questions:

    1) Did you ever have counseling and/or treatment for the depression, and to help deal with the devastating break-up?

    2) Define “normal” eating patterns. Everyone has different needs and preferences. What works for one person may not work for you.

    3) What does “almost overweight” mean?

    4) How is your overall health?

    The best way to determine your own healthy weight is to talk to your doctor about your general health, and take note of how you’re feeling physically, and the state of your cholesterol readings and blood pressure.

    Just as important is addressing the psychological component. Have you ever talked to a doctor, therapist or counselor about the possibility of an eating disorder? Even if you don’t fit the diagnostic criteria for an eating disorder, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to work on your body image with a professional.

    No one can give you a magic formula to suddenly love your body. That takes time and work. Asking for help and support is the first step. 🙂


    I’m sure you could find someone to mentor you through the process of getting your own business started. Like any major endeavor, it’s damn scary, and you will need someone not only to guide you through the process, but to provide moral support. (I don’t know much about the process, but I think there are ways to start up a business that don’t involve borrowing money…like finding investors to put up the capital you need. Yeah, that takes confidence to self-promote–but again, you can probably find people to assist you there.)

    I think once you get the technicalities straightened out (like what exactly you want to be doing) things will fall into place for you. All the best!


    Hello Mr. Ritz

    I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with you, except that you seem to be suffering from a severe case of burnout. You strike me as someone who is willing to work hard and do the best job he can for whatever employer, and takes pride in a job well done.

    Nope, nothing wrong with you—the people you had to deal with at work SUCKED!!

    I would second Anita’s observation that you mainly have problems with coworkers and not with the jobs themselves. I’ve had that problem most of my working life. I can’t count the number of times that well-meaning but clueless people have told me, “Just learn to have fun with the people you work with.” No, no, no!! If you are like me, you are an introvert who needs a more quiet environment than most people, and you feel drained after having to deal with other humans all day (even if it’s a small group of them.)

    Self-employment could be what you’re looking for–I don’t know anything much about CAD-type jobs, but it sounds like you enjoyed doing that. I wonder if you could hire yourself out as an independent contractor?

    Another suggestion would be to try temp services, and tell them you are interested in making a career change. See what else is out there–usually these places have career advisors who can help with that decision.

    You will make the right company a great employee–even if it’s yourself!


    Hi weepingdragon–

    I am wondering…are you still receiving treatment (I mean REAL treatment, not being locked away) for your depression and anxiety? Depression and anxiety will distort your perceptions of yourself and those around you. (This I know firsthand, having struggled with depression for nearly 40 years.) It causes pain, and makes the positive things that “normal” people take for granted, like being happy, having loving relationships, and caring for themselves seem impossible. I am hearing the depression speaking loud and clear in your posts. I don’t think that is who you really are.

    I see a guy who is trying hard to be a good person (not just “likeable”, but a decent human being), and who is grieving a great loss. Neither of those two things are easy to deal with. I don’t see a monster, or someone who is flawed or worthless. You’re hurting.

    Maybe this doesn’t really answer the basic question that you’re asking–why you can’t find a loving partner, and how to overcome that particular hurdle. What I wanted to emphasize was that you ARE worthwhile. You deserve happiness and peace. It so happens that you have conditions which make life challenging for you, to say the least. That isn’t your fault.

    If you haven’t already, talk to a mental health professional who can address the depression and anxiety. You are worth it.


    Yes Anita, I believed them. I still do.

    I hear his voice in my head whenever I make a mistake (or more often, just behaving in a way that he wouldn’t approve). Logically I know that I am not an inferior person for making mistakes, and there is nothing wrong with being myself…but it’s still painful to remember those words.

    I think what still hurts the most is that at the time I couldn’t stand up for myself….for fear of being abandoned. I believed that I was at fault because I was a bad person, and he was right to point out these faults. I can’t blame myself for behaving as I did.

    I am trying to approach memories of him from a place of compassion. He was (still is) a troubled and unhappy person. I hope that he has been able to get help for his problems and grow as a person.

    I am sorry that you were abused by your mother. I’m glad you realize now that you did nothing to deserve the abuse and that little girl knows she is safe now.


    I agree with Anita. Somewhere along the line “John” learned that standing up for himself and expressing his own desires and needs was “bad” and would earn the wrath (or worse, the emotional distance) of those close to him.

    Couples therapy would do you both a world of good. John needs to learn to communicate to you (and the rest of the world) what he needs and wants.

    I hope you two can work through these issues and be happy together.


    Thanks for replying. 🙂

    Without going into a long involved story, I survived an abusive relationship. That is the source of a lot of the anger.

    But that isn’t the one that is troubling me so much….it is a relationship that I left about 10 years ago. This person said some rather cruel things to me–I think it some ways it did more damage to me than the first relationship.

    I am coming to terms with the fact that I was abused (emotionally) in that relationship as well.

    Yes, I am still hurting. I probably always will be. But I want to move on and not let the past poison the present and future.


    Hello Felix 🙂

    Yes, you are overwhelmed. I’m sure you tell yourself every day, “something has to give.”

    My first instinct is to tell you to make a career change. You are highly qualified in IT, but you hate the corporate, hostile environment. It is hard to move away from something you have done for so long, and pride yourself on doing so well…but is it worth it to deal with a hostile environment, day in and day out?

    Think about this: how would you feel if you worked in a more relaxed, more positive environment? I know nothing about the IT job market, but I’ve been exposed to the corporate world enough to realize that not every company harbors such a hostile environment. When you’re searching for jobs, do a little research into the companies you’re applying to. I’m sure you do that already–checking out the benefits packages, chances for advancement, the usual stuff. But I’m thinking more in terms of the environment, and how your coworkers are going to interact with you. In general, I’ve found that smaller companies are a little more relaxed than the big guys. Maybe consider that.

    You consider your employment situation the top priority, so I’m starting with that…usually when one of these life issues is resolved, the others will fall in line. Even so, don’t neglect the other facets of your life–especially your marriage and family. I’m guessing your wife is feeling at least some of your stress. Finding a good marriage counselor would help you and her sort through those issues and find common ground.

    Good luck with the job search, and everything else–give your dog a hug from me!


    Another respondent before me made the statement that you cannot possibly know what was going through this guy’s mind at the time he said this…he may be struggling with his own burdens in his life outside of work, or he might be very insecure about his job performance. We don’t know his story or his situation.

    I’m not trying to lay blame on you or make light of your situation, but it helps to approach others’ hurtful behavior from a place of empathy and compassion. Likewise, I don’t know your full story either. You might have been terribly hurt by someone in your past whose behavior affected you the same way. Like Anita suggests, sorting through those feelings will help you move on from the hurt this guy caused you.

    We all have our own stories and experiences that can affect our actions and reactions. It is impossible to completely know and understand the mind of another human being. When someone is rude to me, or behaves disrespectfully towards me, I admit that I am hurt and angry, at first. Naturally. I’m human…but then I can’t help but feel pity for them, that their life is so difficult and unpleasant that they feel the need to take it out on me.

    I hope you can see things that way the next time this guy (or anyone else) causes you distress.


    First off, congratulations on your engagement!

    It sounds like this obsession with your first love is a fairly recent development…it has been mentioned that perhaps the stress you’re dealing with presently could be triggering memories of a less stressful time in your life…you were a lot younger when you got together with your ex, and probably didn’t have all the responsibility on your shoulders that you do now. If that is the case, your obsession might fade when the stress gets less.

    Also, there’s the question of what could have been with the ex. It’s natural to wonder about that. As you are preparing to share your life with the man you’re marrying, you can’t help but ask “What would life be like if I’d married the other guy?” Again, once the excitement and stress of the situation gets resolved, this obsession may be forgotten, or at least lessened.

    Right now it’s important to sort through these feelings–more importantly, the feelings that these feelings are triggering (if that makes sense.) This obsession is causing you even more stress on top of your already stressful life situation. It’s good that you have been open with your fiance about this. I think that a good counselor can help you sort through those emotions–and it’s a good idea for your fiance to be included in the process as well.

    I hope the stress lessens for both of you, and you are able to enjoy your life together!


    Maybe you are afraid of being intimate (sexually and emotionally) with someone after being hurt this time. I think that is a natural response. It will take some time to let go of that fear…are you in a situation now where the subject of sex and intimacy would come up for you? If not, be patient with yourself. It wasn’t that long ago that the relationship ended, and you’re still trying to find your new “normal.” At this given point in time, how important is being sexual in your life? You don’t say how long this relationship lasted, but you do emphasize that you believed you would be with him for the rest of your life. When something like that ends, naturally it will be traumatic.

    With something like this that is causing such an extreme amount of pain and upset for you, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to seek help from a therapist or counselor. It helps to put this in perspective. In the meantime, in times like this, it helps to focus on the positive. You’ve said you have amazing friends…that’s something to be grateful for. You have the means to travel. Great!

    Best wishes to you!


    Hi K–

    You are going through a grieving process–grieving the loss of the relationship, of your hopes, dreams and plans for the future, and the sense of purpose that a deep connection with another person can give. It is hard and it is painful, and it is also necessary. Fortunately it is not forever, and you will learn a good deal about yourself, what you’re capable of, what you need from life, and what will bring joy.

    It sounds like you are beginning to accept that the relationship was not meant to be, and that you need to move on and get on with your life. You’ve mentioned your amazing friends…it is good that you have their love and support to help you heal. Spend a lot of time with them. Do fun things with them. Even if it hurts to think of having fun without your former partner, go out and do it anyway. Take the “geographical cure” if you are able–visit a foreign country or a city you’ve always wanted to see, especially somewhere you’ve never been, that you can discover on your own and build a new memory that does not include your former partner. (Myself, I would prefer to go alone…but it would be fun with a friend!)

    Do the things you enjoyed doing yourself, with or without him. Did you enjoy cooking? Was there a particular style of cooking you’d always wanted to try, but you did not with him? Try it out! Look up a recipe online or check out a cookbook. Do something new and exciting, by yourself, for yourself.

    It does get less and less painful as time passes. How much time it will take depends on you…everyone has to grieve and heal in their own time. Remember, you are a wonderful individual in your own right. Just because he is no longer a part of your life does not make you any less of a person!

    Take care of yourself and be well.


    Thank you all for your replies. Good food for thought!

    I have struggled with getting the Me Art (I guess that’s what I’d call what I’ve been doing when I’m able) onto the page….sometimes it seems self-absorbed and too introspective. But then, it’s MY art, dang it! If that is what I’m feeling, that’s what needs to go on the paper.

    I appreciate what jfisher says about transitioning from Me Art to Us Art. Perhaps the same issues I’m trying to make peace with by doing art can apply to the rest of the Universe.

    Okay…I think I’ll Just Do It now.


    I strongly agree with HippieChick–it does you no good to compare your life to others around you. Those people who appear to have it all together are probably struggling themselves, though to the world they appear to have everything under control. You have plenty to be thankful for right now–you are able to stay with your mom, you are working and learning in a field that interests you, and you have the mental and physical strength to put your all into it.

    You could definitely use the support of people who can be a positive influence–your mom, for one. Is she supportive of your goals? Do you have friends around you who can encourage you? You don’t need to be married or have a romantic partner to receive the love and support of others.

    Things won’t always be this hard. Your hard work and perseverance will pay off.


    I am glad to hear that you and your husband are both working on moving on from that mistake. We all make mistakes and the best thing we can do to rectify them is to take responsibility, forgive ourselves and move on.

    It is a shame that this girl can’t let go of what happened, but that has nothing to do with you or your husband. She is responsible for her own feelings and actions. She has to seek healing for herself, and perhaps she will someday. That is not your concern.

    I went through something similarly painful with my ex-husband, though the situation was not the same. Long story short, for years after the divorce I was angry and in pain. I’m still healing and letting go. The journey is difficult, but rewarding.

    I hope you and your husband continue to grow together!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 19 total)