July 6, 2016 at 6:54 am #108941
3 years ago my father passed away. He was the one person in my life that I felt truely cared about me. My mother had always been distant and my siblings might as well not be. I’m alone and I’m tired of being alone. I want another human being to love me. I want just one person who will accept me for who won’t treat my love for them as though it were worthless.
I’ve spent the past 3 years trying to find love. Not a single person has expressed any interest in me. I am so OVERTLY unlovable that I can’t get anyone to respond to me on dating websites or to even give me the time of day in person. People assume I must be harassing women or being rude or abrasive when dealing with them, because I MUST be doing something so obviously wrong to have this sort of luck, right? But I’m not so brash and always do my best to conduct myself with respect. Personally I find it telling that people assume I must be making such terrible and obvious mistakes in order to have such luck. I also find it telling that people seem to assume I get to the date part of a relationship, or even the talking part of a pre-relationship at all. It’s telling because it makes it clear how OBVIOUS it is to everyone how worthless and unlovable I am.
When I was very young, around age 5, I was sent away to receive treatment for depression. It spent a year in treatment and never set foot in a public school. Until I was an adult I would spend anywhere from 1 to 3 years,in a row, being sent away to receive similar treatment for my depression. I use the word “treatment” lightly, though, as there was never any real treatment. Instead I got a weekly therapy session (if I was luck) while I was locked away from the world. My childhood was utterly wasted because society had no time or desire to welcome me. I was sent way because it was easy. To this day I don’t even feel as if I’m the same species as everyone else. I don’t recognize myself as an equal to “homo-perfectus” and in kind they generally disregard me as being beneath them. I don’t just feel rejected by society and my species every singleday I feel the effects of that reality. My upbringing (if you can call it that) leads me to feel rejected and unwanted. Reality supports this notion. I am alone and no amount of effort changes this reality. I’m alone because I deserve to be alone and I hate myself for it.
My opinion of myself never mattered through all ofthat. No amount of love for myself kept my from being sent away. It didn’t matterif I thought I wasn’t depressed and wanted to go home I was forced to stay unti OTHER PEOPLE’S apreaisale of myself was that I met their standards. That’s how society works, after all. You’re place in society is determined by how your peers and superiors judge you. You don’t get a job because you’re confident you get a job because your would be employer deems you competent and valuable. Love and friendship is no different. No one is required to love me and I’m not entitledto love. People don’t love me as a DIRECT RESULT of how worthless I am. My opinion of myself (which is that I’m smart, compassionate, funny, loyal, creative and passionate about my interests) doesn’t make any difference because at the end of the day NOBODY CARES. I love myself exactly as much as society does and I value myself exactly as much as society does. None at all.
I don’t intend to disregard or dismiss other people’s suffering but when I see some complain that they keep getting into relationships where people keep breaking up with them and they cry about how unlovable they are I want to smack them. You don’t know how lucky you are that people give you a chance. You have no idea what it really means to be unlovable. I wish I had your bad luck. If at least so that I could know what it’s like yo have options.
I just want someone else to accept me and love me. I just want be be loved. I want love someone elae. I know my lack of luck with love is abnormal. I have no desire to suffer like this until I’m old and gray. I won’t let it come to that if I can help it.
I don’t want to be told I need to learn to love myself. I don’t need to be told all of the usually spiritual mumbo jumbo because I’ve heard it ad nauseam for ages and I know plenty of folks who prove you neither need to love yourself nore be a decent human being to have about human being love you. I just want to know what I need to do to make another human being love me. I know I’m worth SOMETHING I just need to get someone else to see it. Because the truth is if they can’t see it then it’s not there and society has made it clear my presence is neither wanted nor required so unless someone truely wants me in their life I see zero reason to hang around and suffer.July 6, 2016 at 7:21 am #108946
So what you are saying is that you are worthless, not worthy of love because you believe society has and is treating you as worthless. You referred to society as “homo-perfectus” and you of another species.
I can very much relate to your post. I considered myself, believed I was … homo-inferiorus. And I too saw everyone else as perfect. My dream was that one day I will become worthy of the perfect or normal people out there, the people that have it together. I believed I was the only one, or one of a very select few in the world, that was different from all the rest.
One day, I thought, I will join the Normal and be like them… and liked by them.
After six years of therapy and healing I am finally here, only here is not what I thought it would be. I thought after healing I will be joining the normal majority, the normal, healthy, confident majority. Not so.
I found out the majority of people are like I used to be, that “normal” is lonely and distressed and struggling … and now, I am alone like I used to be. I thought I was the Only One then. I was wrong.
anitaJuly 6, 2016 at 7:38 am #108947
I’ve made a persistent attempt to be part of the rest of the world for years. It has never worked. I’m not accepted.
I’ve tried, my god have I tried, to feel like I’m part of society. I’m not allowed to strike up conversations in hobby stores. My opinions are not valued by my peers. My presence is not felt when I’m part of a group and I am not missed when I am away. I find I am only welcomed around people, such as myself, who suffer depression, anxiety or a lack of self confidence.
Frankly, I have to wonder if I even want to be part of such an apathetic and uncaring society. One so obsessed with their own happiness and so unconcerned with the suffering of others does not appeal to me. All I want is one person who will let me love them and will love me in kind. Just one person who I truly matter to. I’m done trying to fit into a society would could so callously lock me away so my presence would not offend them. I just want to be accepted a person. I want to know my life matters to someone and that I’m needed and valued. Monsters can find someone who will love them so why can’t I? I’d like to think I’m far more likable than someone who abuses their partners or treats other people like trash. But apparently I’m not more desirable than people like that. Whatever inherent value those people have that make them lovable I lack.July 6, 2016 at 8:01 am #108950
I am sorry you were locked away and mistreated so much. It is a great shame. Love is indeed rare and cruelty is common. This is reality and it is so very unfortunate that you had so much of this reality in your life.
I would like to attempt to answer your question: ” Monsters can find someone who will love them so why can’t I?”
First, I’ll go over your own answer to your question: “I’d like to think I’m far more likable than someone who abuses their partners or treats other people like trash. But apparently I’m not more desirable than people like that. Whatever inherent value those people have that make them lovable I lack.”
You point to your observation that a monster, like a person who abuses his/ her partner and treats people like trash is likable. I challenge that. Such a person’s children will automatically love him, as children automatically love their parent no matter who the parent is. This is because a child is so needy of the parent, that the child, like the young of other mammals… birds, will automatically follow the parent no matter who the parent is and where the parent is leading the child.
The partner of such a person who stays with such and trying to please the abusive person does so because she (the partner) is still stuck in the same dynamic of the child I mentioned above: she was abused herself by a parent and … is confusing (to put it in a simplified way) the partner for a parent.
The monster in this example was born lovable but has become cruel. The child and the partner in the example were born lovable but don’t know it. These two are still trying to get water-out-of-a-rock, love out of a cruel person, an angry person whose motivation is to hurt them.
Back to your question: “Monsters can find someone who will love them so why can’t I?” –
Monsters don’t find people who love them. They find people who will try again and again… and again to make the monster be loving, to get water out of a rock. So the first part of your sentence is incorrect. The second part depends therefore on an incorrect assumption.
anitaJuly 6, 2016 at 8:12 am #108952
I just want another human being to see some worth in me. To love them and to have them love me in kind. If that’s expecting too much from life than life is devoid of any meaning. I don’t value financial gain or political or social power. I just want to have a family. I want someone who will love me.
For Christ’s sake Hitler had a a lover! In fact just about every monster through out history was capable of making the opposite sex attracted to them! I am less lovable than all of those people! I am the lesser choice to wife beaters, jobless loafers, sexists, racists, violent drunken and people of a similar ilk. How utterly and obviously worthless must I be when I have less luck attracting someone who might potentially be a life long companion than those people?
What is so OBVIOUSLY wrong with me that it’s glaringly obvious from a distance that I’m not good enough to be loved? What is so obviously wrong about me that everyone else can see it but myself? I wish I had half the problems everyone else on all of these message boards have. I wish I was good enough to be used used or objectified by others, I wish I was worth the time and energy to have someone abuse and manipulate me to keep me under their thumb. I wish people kept dumping me after only a few weeks over and over and over again BECAUSE AT LEAST that would mean people are giving me a chance! I don’t even get that! What am I supposed to think about myself when the UNANIMOUS CONSENSUS is that I’m so obviously undeserving of love that it’s not worth getting to know me at all- that there is no conceivable quality I could possess to make up for my unworthiness? How do you rationalize that? What point is there to life if the ONLY thing that you want in life is completely contrary to your nature? Just give up, admit I’ll never be loved by another human being and learn to tell myself “It’s okay that I’m unlovable by others because at least I’m alive!” I’ll never force myself to live a lie like that.July 6, 2016 at 8:26 am #108954
Every day is suffering. Every smiling couple who I see is a slap to my face. What do these people have that I don’t?
Even these monsters who you claim don’t attract love have someone in their life who, either initially saw something worthwhile or continues to see value in them. Despite how cruel and petty they are someone accepts their invitation to stand beside them in their life.
I reject that the world is overtly cruel and wretched. I see numerous happy couples. Love is not rare, but it is certainly thrown around as if there were no value to it. Realistically speaking love is not a finite resource. There is no risk of the world running out of love. People take risks, they build connections, they blindly attach themselves to others based on superficial characteristics, they latch on to deeper spiritual connections and see past a person’s outer shell. The word is not this grey and dreary world devoid of love. It is plentiful. Knowing this is infuriating, however. Knowing this it is clear to me that the lack of love in my life is either abnormal or a perfectly reasonable situation for someone such as myself to find themselves in. Frankly, I don’t know what reality frightens me more, the one where I have exactly as much love as I deserve (none) or the one where my better qualities play absolutely no role in weather or not someone decides to love me.
I just want to know why I’m alone. What about me excludes me from being loved? Why is it SO OBVIOUS to EVERYONE I’m not worth being loved?July 6, 2016 at 8:29 am #108955
You want to be loved, need to be loved and you are worthy of love. You were born that way, a lovable baby, just like any other. This is the truth and reality.
What happened next is that you were badly hurt by the people you trusted, the people you depended on. And you got angry, very angry and understandably so.
You are, in this thread, confronting the world, saying to the world, to all of the human species something like this: So, I get it, you don’t see any value in me and you are correct because why wouldn’t anyone at all my whole life not notice I have some value of any kind- if it wasn’t true? So what the *%^% am I doing here, in this world, with you .. perfect people? I am sick and tired of this…
Your first line in your original post is that your father loved you. What did it feel like to you, his love for you? What was it like?
anitaJuly 6, 2016 at 9:00 am #108961
My father cared about be immensely. I felt like he was the only person who loved me unconditionally. I watched him slow wither away from cancer. I was the only one who was beside him when he breathed his last breath. When he passed my brother went home to his wife. My sister when home to her fiance. My mother went home to her house. I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep. I was left alone. Like always. I had no one and one one offered to stay.
The gasp my father let lose after passing was like a funeral bell that not only signified the end of his life by the end of my own joy. Finally I was truly alone. Attempts to reach out to my family failed repeatedly. When ignoring me was no longer enough they sent me away to be treated once again, because they could not be bothered to be there for me and show me empathy or compassion themselves. That’s how they deal with my pain. That’s always how they’ve dealt with my pain. Whatever desires I have or deficiencies in my life I want to resolves are irrelevant to them. To them, all of my problems are in my head and need to be “cured”. The problem isn’t that I’m alone it’s that I care that I’m alone or place too much value on companionship. The problem isn’t that my life lacks fulfillment but rather it’s that I FEEL unfulfilled and the salutation isn’t to find fulfillment but to cure myself of the notion that I need or deserve fulfillment. My problems are never real problems with real solutions to them because early in my life they earned with a word, with a call they can send me away and trivialize me suffering.
But not my father. He would listen to my concerns. He would give me advice and encourage me to never give up but would accept me even when I felt like I wanted to. He was always against the perpetual inpatient treatment I had forced upon me. Neither he nor my mother ever said so but I know it contributed to their divorce. When I would speak to my father about of my history of treatment it was not uncommon for the subject to somehow gravitate towards my parent’s divorce. He loved me very dearly and he accepted me. I no longer have that in my life.
I don’t expect my family to change. I don’t expect them to understand how I feel. I wash my hands clean of them. They are who they are and if they were capable of changing they would have done so by now. I accept that. All I ever needed in my life was a single person who loves me unconditionally. Who loves me for who I am and who sees the good in me. I want to make that happen. I need to. I need someone to love. I need that purpose. I took care of my father to his dying breath and he took care of me. I want to be loved again. I want to have a family. I don’t want to grow old and die alone.
I have a deep and real need to be loved and I want to know how to make someone else love me. I want to know how to make them see whatever value I have in side of me. I know SOMETHING of value must reside inside of me. But that spark isn’t good enough for anyone. My I’m not good enough for anyone. I want to be good enough to be loved by someone else. I want to be good enough for another human being to spend a portion of their life with me. Anyone can do it, and indeed I’ve seen this for myself. People keep saying I deserve love. Words are meaningless, especially when there is no evidence to support it. If I deserve love why can’t I be loved? Why can Billy Bob Beater keep finding someone to marry after his next divorce but I can’t find a single human being who will even give me a chance? If I truly deserve to be loved then why aren’t I? However you word it or twist the semantics of it I want to know: “How do I make someone to love me?” “How do I find someone who will fall in love with me?” WHATEVER pointless semantics I need to sue when phrasing my question where the end result is that another human being allows me to love them and loves me in kind. That’s all I care about.July 6, 2016 at 9:13 am #108964
I think I am getting you. Just read the post before last (double posting) and the last one and I think I got it.
I will give you my straightforward answer to your straightforward question: “How do I make someone to love me?”
By effectively communicating to a woman that there is something about you that will benefit her, that will make her feel good; that there is some significant advantage for her if she gets into a relationship with you.
anitaJuly 6, 2016 at 9:49 am #108972
(not sure of posts are going though so I’m trying again)
“By effectively communicating to a woman that there is something about you that will benefit her, that will make her feel good; that there is some significant advantage for her if she gets into a relationship with you. “
So what you’re saying is I don’t deserve love. I’m fairly certain I have nothing to offer that can’t be found in anyone else with they added benefit of not being me. It’s not for a lack of trying, mind you, but it I simply can’t fathom that I have anything to offer someone else. I mean even people who beat their wives are clearly strong and powerful predators who can protect their herd from outside threats. What do I have to offer? Love? Compassion? My personality? All worthless! None of that matters because if it did someone would have picked up on it. Someone would have valued it.
I understand now. It’s really quite clear when you thing about it. I ave this CRAZY notion that love means something when in reality it’s really quite meaningless. Don’t seek relationships because they value love, no, they do so because they want to be part of a mutually equitable business arrangement with another human being. If you have nothing of value to offer someone then YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.
Am I understanding you correctly? You see on top of having very severe depression and anxiety I also suffer from Aspberger’s Syndrome. The latter of the 3 alone means I have difficulties EFFECTIVELY COMMUNICATING with people. But the former two quirks of mine basically ensure that what little social skills I do have at communicating with people (effectively) are twisted and distorted. So let me try to summarize my understanding of what you are saying, and please don’t take offense to this because I am honest to goodness try my very best to understand what you are saying and unravel the ramifications and meaning of what it entails.
“Because I have a defective brain and had an upbringing that only exacerbated and my problems and because I lack the ability to effectively communicate to people why I am worthy of love I am undeserving of love.”
Or, to further summarize: “Basically every, last existential horror and insecurity I have about myself and about life is 100% correct.”
July 6, 2016 at 10:10 am #108976
- This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by John.
In your latest post you wrote: “So what you’re saying is I don’t deserve love.” No, I answered the your question about how you make someone love you, not whether you deserve love.
You wrote: ” If you have nothing of value to offer someone then YOU DON’T DESERVE TO BE LOVED.” No, if you have nothing of value (something that feels good to the other person at the least) to offer someone, then that someone will not be motivated to be with you. People, like other animals, gravitate toward pleasure, be it the pleasure of an illusion or delusion, but pleasure nonetheless. If a person doesn’t feel the promise of some good feeling about being with you, the person will not be motivated to be with you. This is human/ animal nature.
As to your paragraph: “Because I have a defective brain and had an upbringing that only exacerbated and my problems and because I lack the ability to effectively communicate to people why I am worthy of love I am undeserving of love.”
I disagree with your belief that you were born with a defective brain. Your diagnoses, I believe, stem from you having had a childhood with so little to no love from your mother and no protection from your father. I also disagree that you lack ability to communicate effectively because you communicated effectively with me on this thread.
Please do post again.
anitaJuly 6, 2016 at 10:50 am #108981
I’m sorry but I’m not satisfied with these answers. I’ve learned nothing that I already didn’t know and I need answers because nothing makes sense to me.
How do I effectively communicate with people? I’m ecstatic you feel I have those skills but I don’t. Certainly not face to face. What do I tell people to make them see I’m worthy? What about me even is worthwhile? I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for nearly 25 years! I’ve been in therapy since I was 5! I’m not getting cured anytime soon. How do I make someone feel like being around me would be an enjoyably experience?
How do I make up for my obviously ill-functioning mind which isn’t defective even though it lacks the basic functions of nearly 95% of the human population? How do I communicate all of this to people? Do I hide the fact that I’m perpetually in pain and suffering because I’m alone? Do I wait another 30 years and hope I’m cured by then? Then another 30 after that? What if I actually DON’T have anything to offer another human being? For that matter, when someone says “something to offer” what do they even mean? What are you offering? What does one offer? A steady job? I have one. No one cares. Be pleasant to be around? When I’m not in the middle of one of my 3 day long panic attacks I’m told my company is quire enjoyable. Doesn’t do me any good. Emotional stability? Yeah, this’ll likely never be something I’m capable of offering another human being so if this is the lynch pin of the equation I’m basically alone forever.
See the quandary you propose, weather you realize it or not (and I’m sure you do not) is that the requirements you claim another human being has to love someone are outside of my reach. However you claim I have these qualities (even I want to believe I have these qualities). So if I have the tools and qualities needed to attract someone why am I still alone and why won’t anyone give me a chance? Do I not meet the requirements to be loved? You said everyone deserves to be loved but then you said if I have nothing of value to offer no one will want to be with me. Well I wouldn’t be with someone if I didn’t love them so what I hear is “No one will live you because you lack these qualities”. Maybe that’s not what you meant to say but it’s what I’ve heard. It’s what I keep hearing. I hear it from everyone. Constantly.
When you break all the advice down to it’s smallest minutia the message being conveyed is “No one will love you because you do not have the qualities other people value”. That’s what I hear. And they disguise it. Like, they can’t just look me in the eye and say “John, listen. No one will ever love you. You’re worthless and have nothing to offer. You don’t deserve love.” At least I would respect their honesty. If that was the answer I got from the very beginning I would’ve given up a long, long time ago. Instead they bury the truth behind empty platitudes. Something like “If a person doesn’t feel the promise of some good feeling about being with you, the person will not be motivated to be with you.” which basically translates to “people don’t like being around you, that’s why you’re alone” which translates to “The person you are is unlovable”.
At this point in the game I should’ve had some luck. I should’ve gone on a date or two, been dumped and been able to try again. But, no. It’s that obvious, so utterly and GLARINGLY obvious to everyone how utterly unlovable and worthless I am. I need to know how to make people think I’m not a worthless and unlovable waste of flesh. To me it makes perfect sense: I have nothing of value to offer ergo I’m alone. I’m not a bad person, I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. I hurt every single day and nothing makes it stop.
I’m scared and I’m alone and no one seems to be able to offer me the advice I need. This isn’t some faulty wiring in my head I have a real and honest deficiency in my life that I can not resolve. I need a salutation to my problem, not empty platitudes. No one wants to tell me what I need to do, step by step, to make another person see my worth and fall in love with me. So if you won’t or can’t offer me that hope that’s fine. It’s nothing new, either. No one really wants to help me. Everyone seems content knowing I’m alone. It seems to be the way it’s meant to be. No one will give me a chance and no one wants to offer me any advice. I’m meant to be alone and I’m meant to be unloved and the sooner I accept that fact I can learn to lie to myself about how happy I am.July 6, 2016 at 11:13 am #108983
I can’t read your latest post at this time. I will when I am back at the computer in about 6 hours and reply to you then. Take care:
anitaJuly 6, 2016 at 12:36 pm #108986
You know it really, really sucks that you feel so alone as you’ve said it’s incredibly painful and I bet you feel like it will never end. I can definitely empathize with you on that. What happened to you was really terrible end of story.
You want to know how to make people love you? The answer is you don’t have to. We, as in all the people that regularly post at this site, love you. I’ll say it again: WE LOVE YOU ALREADY. You won’t believe that but it is again, the truth.
I wont give you anymore advice because you are very wrapped up in hating yourself at a level that is way higher than I’m equipped to handle. You will not hear a word I have to say and that is 100% fine, this is a safe place for you to vent and yell and rail and get out whatever demons you need to. So keep posting and just know that we’re all here to listen.
It might seem strange to you but I’ve been following this all day long because I am really truly feeling your pain, you write very well, very emphatically and I hope you keep using that medium to work things out.
Good luck and lots of love,
-MJuly 6, 2016 at 1:05 pm #108989
Stay blessed : ) !!!!! You seem very awesome.I’m sure you are a really wonderful person. Never forget that. : )