Anita,

I appreciate your insight and I’d like to hear more about it as I’m not inclined to agree with you. I would say recognizing that my anxiety came from my parents is helpful, but I spent time feeling the victim and blaming them and I don’t think it was a healthy time. Necessary, maybe, healthy, no. They did the best that they could, and still continue to. I was very resentful towards them for a long time but I have forgiven them. Blaming is not something that I feel is helpful at this point.

You are totally correct, though, I do blame myself for the anxiety I carry (and the blame wasn’t an either/or. When I blamed them I still blamed myself as well). I know that I shouldn’t hold blame, but I haven’t accepted the condition yet. I still think that it is absolutely ridiculous for the things that I get worked up about because I know better. I know that xyz is nothing to worry about, and still my body exhibits the physical symptoms of anxiety. It’s frustrating because some days it feels like I am the anxiety, that it’s this toxic and negative being that’s wound itself into every crevice of my being and some days it doesn’t feel like me at all. It feels like this other thing that I can consciously view as separate.

I place the blame on myself because “I have repeatedly failed to ‘conquer’ this.” Flawed thinking, yes, but it’s how I see it. Forgiving myself first for the tension within me, then for the failure to ‘overcome’ it, then to truly love myself — flaws and all — is the path I feel like I need to be taking. I don’t see how getting angry and resentful towards my parents after I have forgiven them is helpful. Don’t you agree?