Hi cosmoslullabye,

It’s been a week since your post so I hope you’re doing ok and checking in here. I relate to your struggle. I know how easy it is to drink when you feel like everything is going wrong. Even though you KNOW it’s contributing to your problems, it’s still so tempting to just drink “tonight, and stop tomorrow” just to numb out and opt out of dealing with things for a little longer. While I don’t know you, I would guess that you actually don’t need to change yourself completely, you simply (though not really simple at all, I know) need to stop drinking. I don’t know any of the science behind it, but I know from my own personal experience – drinking regularly and a lot puts a fog over you. This veil of depression and you start seeing everything with a sh** colored filter. It is so hard in the beginning to stop. I had no physical dependence and I hope that is also the case for you. But for me, just the first few days were the hardest as it had become such a HABIT to come home and drink way too much. But after those first few days I honestly felt so much better. You might find it helpful to focus on the simple things that will come with not drinking…how it feels to go to bed sober and actually get a good night’s sleep and wake up with a clear head in the morning!!! Being in control of your actions and reactions to people and events, rather than have everything clouded by drunkeness. Feeling PROUD of the decisions you are making and actually getting things done rather than always having the excuse of having had too much to drink so you can’t do anything. It’s these things that once you start actively not drinking motivate you to continue on. I’ve also found recovery blogs helpful, especially this one. http://livingwithoutalcohol.blogspot.com/
There might be a long list of things you want to change and do and accomplish, but I truly think the first one is to get your drinking under control. Not even saying you can NEVER drink again. Just do it consciously. Know why you are drinking and really check in with yourself and decide if it is really what you want and if it is going to help get you anywhere you want to be. And know that over time, steady drinking really can cause your brain chemistry to change. So a lot of these depressed feelings you’re struggling with could be alleviated by taking a break from the booze. Just try it and see how you feel and what changes for you. It might be uncomfortable at first (*very*) as you are FINALLY confronted with all the crap you are trying to run from by drinking. But know that this is growth and progress and makes you STRONG and it is better to deal with these things now than in 10 more years of drinking with 10 more years of problems added on top.

Good luck to you, I hope you post again.

Katie