i often find myself surprised when some people tell me that i am confident and outgoing. my former ap world history teacher once told me that i was good at public speaking and great at improvising b/c there were times i had to change a word in the middle of a presentation and even though i was a bit nervous, i managed to do it w/o much of a slip-up. i have a natural quiet voice and it never gets loud enough for an auditorium full of people, but my voice when it’s at decent octaves often radiates what i’m feeling in a strong way. i may be feeling insecure, but my voice manages to make people think i’m still in control. i am quite reserved around people, but when there is a new person, i will be the first person to say hi and make a friend even if i feel a little shy. my inner bully seems to make situations worse than they really are such as when i’m outside with people and it will say “that person is saying that you are weak. that person thinks your ignorant. that person thinks you’re a bad athlete.” most of the time, the people i meet are quite nice and they smile at me and in turn i smile back. a lot of the teachers who meet me think i have an inner confidence and most don’t see the inner bully. often times i let the inner bully make me feel quite irritated with myself and become withdrawn from people b/c i think they are judging me when they are wondering if i’m okay. sometimes when people are watching me play a sport, my inner bully makes me miss a basket 50 times b/c it keeps telling me “they are saying you stink. you’re not healthy anyway. you’re not good enough for anything.” that is why even though i am good at sports, i may act like a klutz in front of people. the strange thing is that the inner bully affects me so much for sports and being on stage, but it doesn’t affect me during public speaking esp. when it comes to science or history. there are still some people who act mean, but that doesn’t mean everyone i meet is judgmental. i am often surprised when people tell me that they like my creative side, the side that laughs and runs through nature enjoying life to the fullest. i often thought that side would make me look weak and have my head in the clouds (it does to some people who don’t know me well), but often times people like it.

i think the inner bully often is strongest in environments that i’m still not the most comfortable at. i like academics so when it comes to academic subjects, my inner bully will fade once i become into the academic subject since i’m in my element, but since i’ve only done sports and athletics for four years, i still feel as if there’s places i need to work on. whereas in academics i’ve always enjoyed learning new subjects from fourth grade. also i am most often myself out in nature than being in crowded cities or places whom the people have confidence like the city council.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Janus.