also i learned not to be so self-conscious of myself from Portia de Rossi’s book called “Unbearable Loss and Gain” which is the true story of an actress who struggles with her body and ends up accepting herself. Portia talks about how as a teen, she hated being called average or normal b/c everyone in her family had many accomplishments such as being a doctor or being pretty. At first she wanted to be a lawyer, but her aunt and mom (portia’s dad died when she was young) liked Allison best b/c she was a model. Portia began to think she should also be a model as well and have people admire her. Portia never liked the modeling business, but she enjoyed acting so she decided to give it a shot. While modeling, Portia faced many letdowns from the people in the modeling business such as that she was a size eight and her stomach was too big and also her thighs. at 5′ 7” inches and 130, portia didn’t think she would be a good model. however, the pressure of the achievements and the interest of wanting to be recognized lead her to try. she hired a nutritionist, suzzane to help her diet and it worked, but portia began changing her diet to only 1,000 calories to speed her weight loss instead of the healthy 1,400. she kept a false diary to give to suzanne and a real diary to count her calories. when she felt that wasn’t enough, she began to lower her calorie intake to 800, to 400 and finally 300. she went from 130 to 110 to 105. every day she would keep index cards and work on losing 1-3 pounds until she was 105, a good weight. she was able to fit in a size six and was the envy of other models, but she still felt it wasn’t enough. she began to work out on the treadmill often counting her portions of food, afraid of even chewing gum would put 60 calories on her. she went to 95 pounds to 82 pounds and was quite happy with herself when she could fit into a size two. suzanne was worried about her and gave her a book called “The Beauty Myth” in which explains the myths of beauty for girls, but portia only thought she was fat. when her best friend sasha rejected her b/c she found out portia was gay (only portia’s mom knew and told portia not to tell anyone for fear of ruining her career), portia was even more in despair. anyway, suzanne called portia’s mom and told her about it. anyway, portia’s brother was also worried about her and followed her to her gym one day and when she was finished with her workout. her brother broke down and said “portia, you have to stop. you’re too thin. you’re going to die.” portia broke down, not b/c of her brother’s words, but b/c she cared about her brother so she lied and said she would gain weight, but she continued in the same way. portia would look at herself in the mirror and would think “sometimes i saw a young girl without curves or a young boy without his manhood that he would always have to measure, but i felt content to be at 82.” anyway, portia ended collapsing when she was in the middle of a scene production of ally mcbeal where she was taken to the hospital and the doctor said her electrolyte levels were low and her organs were in danger of failing and that she had lupus. the doctor prescribed portia with a diet and told her to rest for a while. while resting, the voice in her head kept telling her “get on the treadmill. you’re fat.” she was arguing with the voice saying “i can’t i’m sick. i have lupus.” the voice said “you are nothing but a pathetic loser, you were never a model.” portia told the voice “go to hell.” the silence in her head brought her relief and she realized that it was over, that it was done she would accept herself.
anyway, while modeling, portia also had doubts about herself such as her acne and when she went to a support group to help her accept herself, she told them she didn’t like anything about herself. there were times when portia didn’t want to model b/c she didn’t like the constant pressure of being beautiful and skinny. at first, she was bingeing and then she decided to get a nutritionist and anorexia crept up on her. yet she was able to recover fully. she also met ellen degeneres who loved her just as she was. after she gained her weight back to 130 again, she realized she didn’t care anymore about her weight.
like portia, i like acting and i don’t like being a model at all. i would have gone for the lawyer job if i was her in the book. portia says the one thing she hates about being an actor is that there is no privacy from photographers which is why i don’t want to be an actor. i think portia only wanted to feel accepted and be perfect that is why she decided to go for acting and modeling. she had been entranced at the way actors and actresses seem to catch the people’s eyes. also she wanted to be appreciated and be more than average. when she was young, her name was amanda rogers and there was another girl on her track team that was also amanda rogers and portia (formerly amanda) made third place. she could have made second, but she thought it was weird that there would be an amanda rogers one in first and the other in second, so she made third instead. she didn’t like her name b/c she felt it was too average and too normal. this book reminds me of the song by meghan trainor called “All about that bass” in which it says ‘i see the magazines, working the photoshop we know that ain’t real make it stop. every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top.” the song talks about appreciating yourself for who you are and not what you look like, true beauty is on the inside not outside. it also says “i won’t be no stick figure or silicone barbie doll, if that’s what you’re into go ahead and move along.” portia also found hard to tell her brother she was gay even though she trusted him with many things, but when she told him, he still cared about her. also i think since beauty can be seen is why people like models, but intelligence and the inner spirit is felt with the heart. i like people who have an inner confidence and an inner beauty that makes them courageous through aspects of life. true courage isn’t about showing of your talents, it’s about being able to be strong whatever life throws at you. true inner beauty is when you are happy just being yourself and radiate the confidence.