Thank you both for your responses.

Inky, I’m curious, what sorts of treasures did you create out of organizing a Library? Also thank you for the encouragement. The way I try to control my addiction is to only choose what I expose myself to. For example, I unfollowed everyone on my friend’s list on Facebook (I did not unfriend them, only unfollowed so that I wouldn’t see anything on the newsfeed). Instead, when I want to hear about a specific person, I go to their profile page. It helps so much and my mind feels clearer. Besides, you really only need to know about a few people. As for shows, I still end up doing marathons but I think it’s okay because it’s more progress for me than when it’s random internet stuff. I still value sleep and food above all!

About not seeking to hang out with people because I “should”, yes, I actually hear that advice from several people. I also sometimes hear the opposite advice “being grateful for what you have”. I mean, I could definitely appreciate who does surround me at the moment, even if I am unable to be my purest self around them. I’ll just appreciate that at least I have people who are nice, caring, and friendly. It doesn’t really go farther than that, usually, but that’s okay. I’ll still continue exposing myself to new places where I think I’ll find my tribe. It’d be difficult though to really predict that. Sometimes, I also have to look out for the unexpected.

Anita, I suppose I’m ready to hear that, although your warning about it being distressing made me a bit nervous. Would I feel more distressed than I already am now?

I think you also asked more about my childhood trauma in the other thread. There are so many angles I can start from and it may take very long. Maybe I should take it one step at a time. I guess the first thing I can reveal is my explanation for what happened. It’s my subjective explanation, so I may or may not be correct. I’ve attended an All-Girls School. My “trauma” started in 5th grade. I feel as if most people have started puberty earlier than me. Kids my age were starting to show little signs of thinking like a teenager. I still felt very childish back then. I would still cry loudly in front of other people. People described me as “may sariling mundo”. The rough translation from my language is that they think I’m living in an isolated bubble inside my head, living in “my own world”. That does connote stuff like being disconnected from people, outcasted, seen as abnormal, etc.

There was also a language barrier. I was more of an English-speaker. Sometimes they’d copy me in a mocking way. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand Tagalog. And English was the dominant language in the curriculum. Maybe this was only a secondary reason I didn’t relate much with them. Because I can understand both languages. It should have more to do with my personality than with the languages, although it may exacerbate differences a bit.

Speaking of language barriers, the scenario is different in college. Most people in my college speak English more often. But it’s not as simple as that. I often feel like people speak in code when they talk about stuff with their friends. It depends on the situation, but when they talk about cultural references, there would be times I don’t get it. Spending the greater part of my teenage life as a loner, I probably didn’t pick up on a lot of social cues. I would definitely say I am not just awkward, but INEPT.

There were lots of changes in me throughout the last decade. I am proud of my healing process. I am able to speak to strangers if there is a reason for me to do so (processing paperwork, commuting, ordering food, or if I am in a social event wherein I can actually relate to the topic-at-hand). That’s a HUGE step for me. Doing normal things for me is like leveling-up. It’s as if I had a lower base level and had to work to get to the “normal level” of socializing. I assure you, it was much worse before. To the point where I was even scared of my own older siblings (8 year age gap from the youngest older sibling. I am the youngest in the family). But now, glad to say that I became close with one of them, and freely talk normally to the other two.

Moving to college exposed me to diversity, people who are more mature and less judgmental, etc. However, I still feel inferior because of the gap between my highschool and college. The highschool is not one of the top schools. The college is. There’s a gap in terms of the academics and the activities and social capital between the two environments. It’s very easy to feel inferior here and thus I once again have to work harder at things other people take for granted.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by helleia.