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helleia

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  • #145637
    helleia
    Participant

    Some more context: I usually feel bad about schoolwork. College is so so so so so so stressful. I’m usually really nervous about requirements that we have. Technically, this little “incident” DEFINITELY took away time from my schoolwork, and this week was supposed to be “crunch time” for me.

    Okay, I probably exaggerated about how bad I feel about schoolwork. I am also proud of school accomplishments.

    I just realized though how worried I get about these things but when this happened, I just paused. And I once again took a break I didn’t plan.

    I do take care of my health… I have had days where I ended up watching shows the whole day when I am very tired. I have gradually become more relaxed about my routine rather than really prevent myself from having fun.

    If one of the messages for me is to relax even more,

    Well… this…robbery… really did not have to happen…

    #114904
    helleia
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I was randomly browsing the forums, and I tend to notice a common theme in some of your posts. You seem to know a lot about dissociation. One of your posts reminded me of something you may or may not have also told me. And I am just reflecting right now and wondering whether the same could be applied to me. Was I ever a dissociating person? I am not sure. I can say that after being bullied and isolating myself, I have spent my time on mind numbing activities such as games and the internet. However, I wouldn’t say that everything was completely mind numbing, as I still feel like I feel life deeply, and I tend to yearn for things which I know exist in this world. I appreciate a lot of things, but I guess there are still things which I don’t appreciate fully, such as certain types of people, because on the inside I tend to judge that they, although attractive and admirable to me, are not understanding of people like me or wouldn’t be pleasant to hang around and would mostly just cause me anxiety.

    #114903
    helleia
    Participant

    Hello. I know it’s kind of late but I do plan on replying in more detail to this post. The replies came at a time that I couldn’t tend to everything, but I’d have to say that even as I skimmed through your posts I really appreciated what a glimmer of hope you all provided.

    I know a lot can still be said of this topic and we can continue sharing insights. Hope I can get to doing that soon.

    Do take care, lovely people!

    #114722
    helleia
    Participant

    You know, I just realized that everyone I meet and fall out with is almost as painful as an ex lover. Hahaha…

    I’m not sure why that is. But as I was lying in bed, really feeling my sadness and heavy-heartedness, my most recent pain reminded me of all the other pains I had in the past…

    My recent pain is not romantic, although my second to the last recent pain was….

    I wonder if I have almost equal weight for all of these people because of my social anxiety?

    #114721
    helleia
    Participant

    Hi mahia. Good to hear from you and that you have an outlet in other stuff (especially creative stuff). Do stay strong as well. But I suppose it’s also okay to admit weakness sometimes 🙂

    #114372
    helleia
    Participant

    Oh, please do email me about your learning socio, anthro, and psych 🙂

    And I also didn’t imply that you implied other people were lesser because they had limited worldviews/experiences/interests :)) But since we were talking about eclecticness, that usually does mean that we know a lot more about a particular field than those people. Sometimes it feels lonely because I have favorite, obscure musicians or bands for example, and most people do not know them. However, since I am very attracted to obscure things like that, I realized how much I simply loved to learn. I like those obscure things because they were new to me (not because I was trying to be a hipster. A hipster wouldn’t feel sad that other people don’t know about what they know, because they’re the exact opposite. haha) and they make me feel things that are so interesting and stimulating to me! And it’s also true that I get that feeling when I learn something new. So instead of being sad that they don’t know or like what my favorite is, I try to learn about theirs, if there is any that I am not as familiar with. It actually happens more easily than I expect, that I end up seeing their perspective about the things they like. My mom for example does not think philosophically but that does not mean we can’t connect on a deeper level. I’d work to fill in those gaps rather than try to change her. I noticed her thinking is more practical, which is honestly my weakness as well. I should try to align myself so that I can be compatible with basically all wavelengths! Why am I not interested with practical matters? Well, that’s because I did not expose myself enough. From experience, I am surprised to find that it’s actually easier to adapt to others than the other way around (after all, if I am the one who perceives a lack or a yearning, and not the other person, then I am the only one who can fix it). Hmm, what I’m trying to say is that I don’t have to settle or give up right away. That I’m actually more interested in more things than I am aware at this moment. I just need to “awaken” some of them, and thus get surprised that I’ve come to be obsessed about certain things! (Actually it does seem quite common, funny and ironic that those who become obsessed about something were those who used to be from an opposite camp!) I’m pretty sure we can connect deeper than I initially assumed. I just have to make some effort.
    In doing all this, I become even MORE eclectic. That I can connect to almost everyone because I’m interested in almost anything.
    That’s my ultimate goal, anyways… 🙂

    Haha, anyway I’ll go back to talking about film categories soon. One by one, I’ll mention some of them later.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by helleia.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by helleia.
    #114370
    helleia
    Participant

    Thank you so much to both of you.

    No worries, I have already been seeing a therapist for a while. The only thing I haven’t tried was a psychiatrist, so I’d never really had clinical diagnoses.

    I go on the forums to try to supplement that. I am aware I get those states so I posted here to see if there is anything else I can do aside from what I usually do.

    I wasn’t able to reply to my previous post because there were so many replies already and I was quite busy that time.

    Yes, I’m really considering it might be mild depression. There’s a lot of evidence to prove it is not full-blown. Nonetheless I am taking precautions. Part of it is sharing my experience and generally keeping physically healthy. As you can see I’d have to be a bit more careful before I dive into medication. It’s expensive, and it may not be the best I can do, considering that I’m very very far from being suicidal.

    The worst that really happens is that I am really just not adjusting as well as I’d like, but I’d also have to learn that it’s not a completely bad thing.

    And yeah, I guess I did something pretty close to watching cartoons all day :)) I also found that coffee seems to be helping me even if I am not actually lacking sleep (I used to hate coffee). Some studies say it has mild antidepressant effects.

    Also, I do get something good out of these “states”. Sometimes I think I’m so funny or even adorable when I cry. And sometimes I’d end up in a very far place on the internet, and come across a video or article that affects me in some profound way. It makes me actually reach out to others also, because when I ask for help, then I guess it’s simply tricking me into having more social interaction than I would normally have (of course that is not really a trick that is bad!)

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by helleia.
    #114344
    helleia
    Participant

    Sometimes I feel like I unconsciously make myself a victim so that people may care about me more. But here’s a thing, this all happens in private. I don’t show people my worst, but I do describe it to them occasionally.

    And here’s another thing: people DO care about me.

    Or… am I… wrong? People care, but it’s inadequate because they’re unaware of how bad it is? Or is it really that bad? What am I doing to myself…

    People don’t seem to know the right ways of reacting. Maybe? I’m not even sure if I can trust my own judgment on that.

    It’s not that anyone has ever reacted negatively. That hasn’t happened. Maybe it’s just an absence of SUPER positive reactions? Am I exaggerating the point, here? Am I unable to recognize when something IS positive? No wonder then that I rarely return smiles.

    Please, I cannot just blame others or say that they neglected me or are not positive enough around me. I honestly don’t know if I can ever confirm any of that. That really doesn’t seem to be the case. It could be that I am in a good environment but have a flawed brain.

    Theeere we go again with that argument…

    #114170
    helleia
    Participant

    (I’m not sure what happened to the post I was just typing… I wrote something quite long and then it did not post. Oh well, I guess I’d have to write it again. But that would be just a chance for me to make it more concise.)

    I was reflecting on your point about feeling isolated when you know a lot about something and people around you know less about that thing.

    I can see what you mean, but I realized another angle to it. It could be that whenever I feel like people just won’t get me, or I have any judgment on their limited worldview, then that could mean I also have a limited worldview in that sense. I am simply projecting it onto them. I am angry that I can’t relate with them and so I assume that my mind is too deep for my own good and people don’t understand me. I can blame them all I want, but then it wouldn’t get anywhere.

    Instead, I would have to see the lack on my side, not in a way that handicaps me (such as giving me a label like “social anxiety” or “being on a different wavelength”) but in a way where I try to see what gap of knowledge I may have in comparison to them (seeing it this way is more fixable than simply resigning myself to different wavelengths). I might have said in my other posts that my mom bores me because she seems to have a lack of opinion, that she doesn’t think in a philosophical or analytical way, like I do. But my own lack is about the news, current events, and a few political issues. Or knowing about the family. I may say right now that I am bored with them, but I noticed a pattern. I get bored about things I am not good at. I think most people do. And I also noticed, once I get past a certain threshold of knowledge about a topic, I get more and more interested, way beyond what I first expected.

    It’s like with watching a series. I may have a certain bias about it before watching, whenever I “feel like I won’t like it as much.” but then I get surprised when I watch more and more of it and start to understand where it’s coming from. I think “there must be some reason these people like it!” and I get curious about that. Curiosity in this case becomes the fuel for my enjoyment on things that I normally wouldn’t enjoy on my own. From a simple curiosity, it turns into like, and then once I get deeper into the series, I become so invested that I may get mildly obsessed.

    Familiarity breeds fondness.

    Well, I know there’s an opposite adage that says familiarity breeds contempt, but it seems as if all adages have their opposite counterpart. I saw a list of it in one of my textbooks.

    In conclusion, I guess having more knowledge may have some isolating aspects, but I think it connects in other ways. Maybe it isolates when all I ever pursue in my knowledge are about those “tried and tested favorites” that I have. I deepen my understanding about something so much that I yearn for someone out there to match my level…

    But then it’s connecting in that film used to be my weakness. Not too long ago, I’d hear people talk about their favorite movies and series and feel so bad about not knowing anything. They are not even film addicts, they’re just regular people and enjoy it casually. Now that I’ve become so interested in it, that aspect became much easier for me. It didn’t matter as much if the other person was not as obsessed as I was. There was always something they know that I don’t know… Being obsessed merely even helps that process, because I become less discriminating about things and want to see more and more

    I wonder if this might be a little dangerous for my mental health. “Obsession” led me to write several posts at once and now I am embarrassed -_-

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by helleia.
    • This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by helleia.
    #114160
    helleia
    Participant

    To be honest, I’ve always been very envious of artists… I don’t really feel bad about not taking a course that goes directly to that path, though (because it is possible to go to that path in other ways). It’s not really about that. I’m simply envious of those who are good at something, even if it’s just a hobby. It’s like they get to really express themselves. Sometimes, it can be as simple as knowing how to dress or knowing how to talk about things you like.

    It’s not a matter of skill. I tried to learn the piano before, although I didn’t have real classes. I just taught myself a few songs from tutorials on Youtube. I got bored after a while, though. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it. It’s just that I’m still a bit isolated simply doing things in that manner. It might have been better if I did take it seriously when I was younger, and exposed myself more, taking classes and all. But during that time, I still had a lot of social anxiety, so I just wanted to stay at home and do it myself.

    Now that I’m actually ready to go out, I don’t have as much time, and my parents are finally retired and we’re trying to save money as best as I can. If I wanted to take classes now, I’d have to save up for it on my own.

    I can possibly also do string instruments, like I know chords and strumming on the ukulele. I didn’t learn the guitar, but if I can use the ukulele a bit, I can probably use the guitar as well.

    And quite random, but I played bongos and djembes (tribal drums).

    All of these I’ve mentioned are all “Yeah, I can play them. A little bit.”

    Even drawing is “a little bit” for me. I haven’t tried painting. Drawing progressed naturally since I was a kid. My doodles improved until I was 14/15 and then it plateaued. I can’t draw anything more than slightly anime-styled people in very limited amount of poses. Maybe I can draw backgrounds a little bit, but nothing special.

    What I’m saying here is that I learned these things and have the potential, but for some reason, didn’t have the drive to see them through. I think the thing that is taking my energy the most is my loneliness. If Maslow’s pyramid is correct, “confidence and competence” doesn’t come until after I’ve acquired a stable “relationship” base.

    And so by healing, I really mean, just trying to “cure” myself of social anxiety.
    However I’ve been told.
    That I shouldn’t see it that way.
    That I shouldn’t see it as if I’m trying to “fix” myself.

    Well, I don’t know how else to see it. It’s still a practical thing to do. Trying to overcome it and all.

    #114159
    helleia
    Participant

    On a side note, I’ve just watched 2001: A Space Odyssey. What a journey!
    That scene where he was unscrewing the mind of HAL, though. I really felt that scene…
    “Stop, Dave. Please stop. My mind is going. I can feel it.”

    Um, but I was very confused at the ending…????? Do you have any idea what might have happened ._.
    That last scene felt so surreal. The house with lit floors. Did he travel to another dimension or something? Did he get old? The pod disappeared when the guy eating stood up… And there was another guy in bed.

    Now THIS is travelling. Mind travel…

    Of course I’ll understand it when I read an analysis. But I’ll do that later. :))

    #114158
    helleia
    Participant

    I’m not very sure if I want to have a career in filmmaking. I’ve always wanted to be an artist in some form, since I was younger, but film has been a relatively recent obsession for me. I am surprised actually by how much stronger it became for me compared to music, at least, for the time being. I couldn’t imagine myself work in film, however, at least, I wouldn’t try to pursue it. Instead, I’ll just wait for doors to open and opportunities to greet me by surprise. I think a lot of things and decisions in life are made that way, anyway. Like, I may meet someone, or be connected to someone through someone else… But I’m not going to film school or actually go straight to the path… I’m already in my major (I’m studying Sociology, Anthropology, and Psychology. Um, I know that’s a lot, but I’m actually taking an Interdisciplinary approach to them, rather than majoring in one. I would have sticked with just Psychology though, but I am too late to make that decision now, and they had a quota when I shifted…), but I don’t regret it.

    I do however want to make music and draw/paint. I guess I have some potential in both, but I am really, at the moment, focusing on my healing. Perhaps art can heal me, but that is why I am at the appreciating stage first and not yet creating, because I am not completely healed yet…? Not sure if that makes sense.

    But right now, it seems that I didn’t take the path necessary for any of those. At least, not in any professional sense. Surely, once I am settled in my life, I will be starting to learn those already.

    I think the actual profession doesn’t really matter. Rather, whatever the profession, it becomes a venue for me to self-actualize. (Meh, how cliche hahaha) I think I like too many things for my own good. I even considered learning languages (as I’ve realized when I tried to speak Japanese to a family friend, but suddenly felt a strong urge to connect in a much deeper sense. I have not learned it deep enough yet to truly converse)

    For some reason though, I’m not in any rush to travel. Many people in my country dream of living abroad, but what’s more important to me is that I connect with the culture and the language of the people. If I don’t do that, I will be in no rush to live abroad at all. It wouldn’t be worth it for me. Besides, it’s not so sad in my country that those fed-up people can’t find anything here for them. Rather, they couldn’t find it because they were closed to alternatives. Sure, it might be hard to find some things, but if they actually tried, they’d find it (some underground community here or there that turned out to be enough for them… You see, if they moved abroad right away because they wanted access to something where that thing they’re looking for is much more developed, then they might be overwhelmed because they have to push themselves into something so big, right away. They’d be lost in such a world where it was always more developed, and they don’t measure up anymore…)

    Woops, I hope I didn’t confuse you… It’s something that’s been on my mind but I can’t explain properly.

    #114084
    helleia
    Participant

    That’s a great idea, regarding finding documentaries made by well-known directors, instead of looking for them by topic. Just a guess, maybe they have more variation in style and editing?

    Speaking of documentaries, I was recommended one named “Human”, and I think it’s on Youtube, although I saw there were extended versions, and those seem very long. I haven’t watched it yet, but I already think I may like it. Just intuition, I guess. I was also recommended Life in a Day (yes, the name is not inverted). And then you heard about Samsara, right? I actually have no idea if it’s considered a documentary, as there is barely any dialogue (that’s what I remember, at least, because I am uncertain if I’ve seen the whole thing) or maybe I might be mistaking it with Baraka, which was by the same maker as Samsara. Now all of these mentioned in this paragraph seem to have a similar premise, in that they give us a glimpse of life and culture all across the globe. Now I know I’m recommending stuff that I haven’t really watched in full yet, but as I said, my intuition says they’re probably good. I’m recommending them because I think they might be different from regular documentaries, which is usually about a specific topic. I don’t really know.

    Would you know of anything that seems experimental? I seem to really appreciate form aside from just content and story. In the same regard, I also feel particularly geeky about cinematography. I mean, I feel like categorizing films I’ve seen that used similar techniques. Would that be a boring topic for you? If not, please feel free to join me on my venture 😀 Maybe in this regard, I’ll be much more excited to talk about more and more films individually and with more detail 😀

    I just love how stories can be told in unconventional formats and all, how you can basically express something more just by focusing on the visuals…

    When you watch the videos on Channel Criswell, make sure to turn on the annotations. They help you identify the films that appear in his videos, and that might help you pick a Miyazaki film as well. Pick anything that intrigues you the most.

    To be honest, I’ve watched very little films (like around 10 or so) from my country. I’m not going to keep it that way, of course. When I get the time, I’ll take the project very seriously and watch everything from this top 50 list and I’ll look for more, after that.

    50 Greatest Pinoy Films of All Time, Part 5 (10-1)

    I sent part 5 because I think this is a countdown list, so the last ones mentioned might be the topmost rated.

    You see, the mainstream film industry is pretty sad over here. They won’t stop showing cliches and overused story arcs. There are occasionally mainstream films that turn out great, but most of the time we tend to prefer indie films instead (most are tagged under Cinemalaya, although occasionally, some become more internationally acclaimed because they are sent to foreign film festivals). And I did hear that the industry was much better in the past. It’s just that now, it never really matured or almost everything is like a rehash from something. Of course, I may be biased because I’ve barely seen anything (I guess I wouldn’t mind looking through mainstream films as well just so I REALLY make sure I did not miss anything that might have been good). Wow, talking like this makes me feel obsessed. Am I really going to see EVERYTHING? Who knows. But it’s fun to dream.

    I asked about being a conversationalist because I am not a good one (Haha). I suppose you know about my social anxiety from my other posts. Well, knowing about film is starting to become an asset for me. And I think, compared to other things I know, it’s a HUGE asset. Why? Because it’s so broad! And because you don’t just talk strictly about films, you talk about stories. You learn more about the world. My obsession used to be music but I realized that it was slightly harder to talk about it than film. Because with film, if a person isn’t really that obsessed with film as a medium, you can still talk about the story! Or film increases your general knowledge and so you’re able to follow a lot of conversations. Or you start to understand people a little more, after observing a wide variety of them on film (vary your films of course, or else you may get distorted views instead). And even if not everyone is a connosieur, if ever I was one, I would have no problem talking to anyone regardless of their tastes, because having an eclectic taste is the best!!! I just love the feeling of being able to relate to people and being excited about similar things with them. I love art and I love people. Those are the two things that seem to be most important to me in the world. And I really, really want to deal with my issues already so I can combine the two loves in my life.

    #113893
    helleia
    Participant

    Oh, and I’m just curious. Would you consider yourself a good conversationalist?

    #113892
    helleia
    Participant

    Actually, I already did make an anonymous email already before. It’s anonymousplatypus2016@gmail.com

    Sorry about that though. It’s just that what I may ask about might be a sensitive topic here.

    Do tell me what you think about the Youtube channel after you see it 🙂 Maybe in seeing it, you may remember something else or know something equally interesting or possibly even better.

    Ohh, that’s true about the fuss about “time management” simply being a disguise for people having higher priorities.

    Your connection to Wes Anderson at least somehow, is also fascinating 🙂 I love how the world is so interconnected.

    About anime, that’s understandable. It’s really quite different with Miyazaki, though. A lot of the cliches in anime aren’t there, while at the same time, they include something much more essential. And Channel Criswell gives a good introduction. In fact, I wouldn’t mind if you just saw Criswell’s video about it only, if you only had limited time. Just to see his influence even if anime might not ultimately be your thing.

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