Thank you both for your responses.

Inky, I’m curious, what sorts of treasures did you create out of organizing a Library? Also thank you for the encouragement. The way I try to control my addiction is to only choose what I expose myself to. For example, I unfollowed everyone on my friend’s list on Facebook (I did not unfriend them, only unfollowed so that I wouldn’t see anything on the newsfeed). Instead, when I want to hear about a specific person, I go to their profile page. It helps so much and my mind feels clearer. Besides, you really only need to know about a few people. As for shows, I still end up doing marathons but I think it’s okay because it’s more progress for me than when it’s random internet stuff. I still value sleep and food above all!

About not seeking to hang out with people because I “should”, yes, I actually hear that advice from several people. I also sometimes hear the opposite advice “being grateful for what you have”. I mean, I could definitely appreciate who does surround me at the moment, even if I am unable to be my purest self around them. I’ll just appreciate that at least I have people who are nice, caring, and friendly. It doesn’t really go farther than that, usually, but that’s okay. I’ll still continue exposing myself to new places where I think I’ll find my tribe. It’d be difficult though to really predict that. Sometimes, I also have to look out for the unexpected.

Anita, I suppose I’m ready to hear that, although your warning about it being distressing made me a bit nervous. Would I feel more distressed than I already am now?

I think you also asked more about my childhood trauma in the other thread. There are so many angles I can start from and it may take very long. Maybe I should take it one step at a time. I guess the first thing I can reveal is my explanation for what happened. It’s my subjective explanation, so I may or may not be correct. I’ve attended an All-Girls School. My “trauma” started in 5th grade. I feel as if most people have started puberty earlier than me. Kids my age were starting to show little signs of thinking like a teenager. I still felt very childish back then. I would still cry loudly in front of other people. People described me as “may sariling mundo”. The rough translation from my language is that they think I’m living in an isolated bubble inside my head, living in “my own world”. That does connote stuff like being disconnected from people, outcasted, seen as abnormal, etc.

There was also a language barrier. I was more of an English-speaker. Sometimes they’d copy me in a mocking way. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand Tagalog. And English was the dominant language in the curriculum. Maybe this was only a secondary reason I didn’t relate much with them. Because I can understand both languages. It should have more to do with my personality than with the languages, although it may exacerbate differences a bit.

Speaking of language barriers, the scenario is different in college. Most people in my college speak English more often. But it’s not as simple as that. I often feel like people speak in code when they talk about stuff with their friends. It depends on the situation, but when they talk about cultural references, there would be times I don’t get it. Spending the greater part of my teenage life as a loner, I probably didn’t pick up on a lot of social cues. I would definitely say I am not just awkward, but INEPT.

There were lots of changes in me throughout the last decade. I am proud of my healing process. I am able to speak to strangers if there is a reason for me to do so (processing paperwork, commuting, ordering food, or if I am in a social event wherein I can actually relate to the topic-at-hand). That’s a HUGE step for me. Doing normal things for me is like leveling-up. It’s as if I had a lower base level and had to work to get to the “normal level” of socializing. I assure you, it was much worse before. To the point where I was even scared of my own older siblings (8 year age gap from the youngest older sibling. I am the youngest in the family). But now, glad to say that I became close with one of them, and freely talk normally to the other two.

Moving to college exposed me to diversity, people who are more mature and less judgmental, etc. However, I still feel inferior because of the gap between my highschool and college. The highschool is not one of the top schools. The college is. There’s a gap in terms of the academics and the activities and social capital between the two environments. It’s very easy to feel inferior here and thus I once again have to work harder at things other people take for granted.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by helleia.

A bunch of other stuff happened… something about toilet troubles and a crush on certain girl… None were pleasant. I guess I don’t have to elaborate on this for now.

I also have a few incidents in college, but it’s never as bad because of the largeness of the college. I can simply leave a specific circle. That doesn’t mean it was any less distressing, however.

In highschool, there wasn’t much of an escape. It was a small school where everyone knew each other.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by helleia.

I’d say that before fifth grade was quite peaceful and normal. My parents are “the typical parents” – which is how my siblings and even my cousin describe them. Maybe a little boring but they are caring and we are financially stable. The large age gap with my siblings made it hard for me to be close with them, but I was never scared of them until after fifth grade. I became scared because I generalized them to my peers, I generalized them to a group of “young-ish teenaged or young-adult-minded people” who seemed to be “cool” and have certain expectations from socializing. However, it’s a lot better now, because my confidence increased after starting college. But I guess there is still a residual anxiety when it comes to talking to one of my sisters. The other sister is fine however, we are like buddies. The other sibling is a brother who lives in the US right now.

I have happy childhood memories. It seems “too normal” that I don’t have anything notable to say about it. If asked, I can name some various memories but that might take too long again. A lot of them are mundane, some of them are amusing and nice to remember.

I’d say internet addiction after 5th grade delayed my healing, however I did grow a lot in other areas, particularly in brainy pursuits. And it made my perception of the world quite deep and colorful.

I wonder if language barriers also apply to our home. They speak Tagalog more, as well. There are lots of ideas I can’t exactly share with them… Although occasionally, deep topics can be discussed, but they’re limited and it depends…

I’m not sure why I grew up differently from everyone… Maybe because of the TV, and the internet age? I mean, my siblings watched TV too… I think it might also be because of my cousin, who was my playmate quite often. She was more fluent in English.

It could also simply be because of genes. They say things get a little bit difficult if you were born after your mom was 40. I must have been born with a slightly different brain. And you can’t discount the generational gap. I guess they assumed that I would be just the same as them, but I am different. They do not take that badly. I just feel isolated.